


Euphoria

by Biosahar



Category: Holy Trinity (YouTube RPF), Jelix - Fandom, Septiplier - Fandom, Septiplierpie - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF, Youtube RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety Disorder, Darkiplier-looking Mark, Depression, F/F, F/M, Felix is crushing on both, Kidnapping, M/M, Mark and Jack and PJ are in a band, Multi, Multi-pierced Jack, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Real Rock Songs, Rivalry, Suicide Attempt, dark themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-02-14 09:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 52,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13005135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biosahar/pseuds/Biosahar
Summary: Euphoria is the peek of happiness. Once reached, it all goes downhill from there.Mark (Guitarist & Singer), Jack (Drummer) and PJ (Bassist) are part of the famous local band called The Rock Killers.Felix is the shy kid who moves into this small suburban town and tries to fit in the community.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had this AU idea in mind for a long while but never got around writing it until yesterday. I just smashed down into my keyboard and winded up with over 7000 words at 4 am. No regrets.
> 
> I'm so excited about this new work, and can't wait to have a lot of people get on board as well.
> 
> A couple additional notes: 
> 
> -Mark and Jack being part of a band have similar looks to their alter egos aka Darkiplier and Antisepticeye, but their personalities are still the same. (Aside from slight alterations but we'll get to that later in the story)
> 
> -I made it clear that Felix had a traumatic experience in his life and that he's starting anew. So if you're triggered by depression or all sorts of other mental illnesses then please make sure to read my notes before the start of every chapter, as I will make sure to state any unusual triggering events before they happen. (For now go ahead, the first chapter's all clear)
> 
> That'll be it for now. I hope you enjoy the read!

 

 

Dropping out of college and moving away from your parents’ house might be a tough decision to make. But when that decision is made under the pressure of your family disowning you, and forcing you out of the house with little to no money to support yourself, now that could leave any sane human emotionally damaged.

 

Felix was twenty two years old when he flew across the globe. He moved into a quiet suburban town in America with more green than all of the cities he’s lived in combined. He was a clueless kid and a foreigner too, but Felix was a fast learner, he was away from his family, and most importantly he was still  _alive_.

 

Of course the small town he ended up moving into was far from his expectations. As a child he had promised himself to save up enough money and aim for a big city like New York, but how things unfolded during his twenty second birthday, and how everything went downhill from there, he was glad he could at least afford an old but decent apartment in the suburbs.

 

A month after he moved in, Felix applied and successfully got a job at the local Game Shop. It was the first time in years he felt proud of doing something based on nobody else’s decision but his. Felix loved anything gaming related, so he put his all and everything into the job. He worked over hours every single day of the week, showed up even when sick, and made his customers the happiest. His hard work was fruitful, since his boss, an old man in his late sixties named Dave, grew very fond of him and treated him no different than his own son.

 

 

Most mornings, Felix would receive the visit from the neighborhood kids, a group of three youngsters who would stop by at seven on their way to school. They would read a couple comics, ask Felix about the new series, get too caught up in small-talk then end up running to make it on time for first period. Before he knew it, that routine became the highlight of his day.

 

Today, however, the kids failed to show up, and Felix was bored to the bone.

 

Cheek pressed against the palm of his hand, Felix bobbed his head back and forth to the beat of the music blasting on the radio. He was alone in the shop, most of the other usual regulars failed to show up today and Felix blamed it on the heavy rainstorm unraveling outside.

 

The loud thunder rumbled from afar, slowly closing up on town with every strike of lightning that split the sky in half. Felix loved winter season as it reminded him of his hometown. As a kid, he used to get caught under the rain on his way back from school and end up running all the way back home. He'd get scolded by his mother for being drenched down to the underwear, but Felix cared less. He loved the rain.

 

The thunder eventually ceased and soon all that was heard was the noise of the raindrops clattering against the shop windows. Felix was nose deep into reading a magazine on the newest games of the season, cultivating himself for both his own pleasure and for the sake of the curious customers who sought suggestions on the upcoming games. He might be a shy and awkward guy, but when it comes to topics related to gaming, Felix could talk for days.

 

The front door bell rang and Felix’s concentration was disrupted. He dragged his nose away from the magazine, hastily correcting his posture and flashing a bright customer-friendly smile.

 

“Welcome. How may I help you?” He announced energetically. This was his first customer of the day.

 

The person who walked in was drenched to the bone. He wore an all-black outfit: A black hoodie, black jeans and black boots. His face was half visible underneath his black cap but Felix could tell they were around the same age.

 

The guy either didn’t hear Felix or chose to ignore him, because soon he was strolling through the shop aisles, away from the counter where Felix stood with a wide stupid smile on his face.

 

Felix exhaled and returned back to his magazine reading, flipping through the pages while keeping an occasional eye on the rude customer. He was used to the local youngsters coming in, looking through the goods then walking out. Some were even close to wearing a large sign that read ‘Don’t talk to me’. Felix felt both rejected and sad in that context since moving into a smaller town had him believe the locals would be friendlier and warmer. But he apparently guessed wrong.

 

When Felix checked on his customer the first time he was browsing the comic section, picking and flipping through a couple books on the lower shelf. The second time, Felix noticed he had moved to the PC Games aisle, and the third time, he was looking through the indie band CD covers, and he didn't move from that section for another hour or so.

 

Felix wondered if he was an indie music fan. He also wondered if that was what the guys his age were into. Felix didn’t have any friends in town aside from Amy. Although Amy was more of a co-worker than a friend, to be exact. Amy was a part-timer at the game shop and also a college student. Felix knew very little about her except from her numerous love conquests which the girl would go on and on about for days. Still, Felix was glad he knew her. He was always afraid he wouldn't be able to make friends, until Amy proved him wrong.

 

Felix nearly jumped off his side of the counter when he realized the hooded guy was standing right in front of him. The guy had removed his earphones which blasted music so loud Felix could hear it all the way from where he was standing, and had laid a couple CDs on the counter.

 

‘No wonder he didn’t hear me’ Felix thought as he examined his face. His eyes were a dark mixture of blue and green and they appeared rather intimidating under what looked like a shade of dark eye-shadow. He also had a lip and nose piercings. Felix wasn’t sure he's ever seen him around the shop before, otherwise he would remember a scary-looking guy like him.

 

“I’ll take these” he said, his voice slightly acute and fresh, which conflicted entirely with his looks, and Felix might have even spotted an accent in there. “Do you sell energy drinks?”

 

“Yeah, which one do you want?”

 

“What do you have?”

 

“Monster, Red bull, Rockstar…”

 

“Monster zero ultra?”

 

“Got it”

 

Felix made a mental note that this guy had good taste considering the drink he ordered was his personal favorite. He picked the white can out of the small fridge and put it on the counter, then typed the articles down into the cash register.

 

“That’ll be twenty six fifty”

 

The hooded guy reached for his backpack and fished out a wallet. Felix noticed a number of skulls and band name tags on it. When he handed over the cash, Felix saw he had his nails also painted black, and wore five different metallic rings on each hand. Is that what guys his age were into? Felix was a bit concerned.

 

Once the goods were paid for, the hooded guy shoved everything into his backpack and walked to the door. Outside, the rainstorm was still ongoing, and out of consideration, Felix stopped him right before he stormed out.

 

“Hey man,” Felix called, catching the guy’s attention. “Do you need an umbrella or something?”

 

There was a moment of awkward silence and Felix started regretting his offer, but then the hooded guy showed a surprisingly large grin. His features suddenly softened and he looked far less threatening. Felix thought he looked even cute with a smile on his face.

 

“If that’s okay?”

 

Felix reached for his emergency umbrella stacked underneath the counter then handed it over with a smile on his face.

 

“Just bring it back whenever”

 

“Thanks, man! You’re awesome!” The hooded guy’s face beamed as he took the offered umbrella, then waved Felix goodbye and walked out of the shop.

 

Once he left, Felix found himself blushing. He had to shake the thought of the strange guy off his mind for the rest of the evening, and instead think about how he was planning to walk back home in this harsh weather.

 

For childhood memories' sake, Felix ended up running home.

 

**...**

 

 

The next day Felix woke up with a burning fever and a runny nose. He called Amy and begged her to cover for him. It's true that the girl owned him a whole lot of covering but Felix was still surprised to hear her agree on a heartbeat and even offer to pay him a visit during lunch break.

 

Felix spent the rest of his morning sleeping. He only left the bedroom once or twice to use the bathroom, and had no food nor medicine at home. He felt ashamed to ask Amy for more help than she was already offering, and decided to just sleep on it.

 

The next time he woke up it was to the sound of the doorbell. Felix slowly peeled himself out of bed and dragged himself to the front door where Amy awaited.

 

“Oh my god, Felix! You look awful!” Amy shouted with a horrified expression. Her loud voice made Felix’s head painfully throb. “Jesus, are you okay? Did you eat anything? Did you take your medicine yet?”

 

“I just woke up” Felix lied, his voice weak and sounding like a mumble due to his stuffed nose.

 

“Good god, are you trying to kill yourself?” Amy scolded, shaking her head in disbelief. She pushed the Swede through the apartment and back into his bedroom. Felix still hasn’t gotten around rearranging everything in his apartment after the move in, and he was embarrassed to have Amy see all of the mess around.

 

“Lie down” Amy ordered, putting the Swede back underneath the pile of blankets. “Your room is freezing cold. Is your heater broken or something?”

 

“Takes time” Felix muttered, his limbs finding comfort under the warm blankets. “The landlord said it’ll be up next month or so.”

 

“No wonder you got sick, Jeez!” She exhaled loudly, but decided it wasn’t the right moment to be scolding him. “I’ll fix you some food and buy some meds. In the meantime, promise you’ll get some sleep, all right?”

 

“But your work-” Felix brought up, his eyelids so heavy he was already half-asleep.

 

“Don’t worry about it. I told Dave you were sick and that I was visiting you, he’ll understand. Now be a dear and get some rest.”

 

Felix didn’t have the energy to argue, so he did as told and closed his eyes. He fell asleep for another hour and a half until Amy returned into his room with a bowl of chicken soup and cold pills. Felix forced himself up in a sitting position to eat his meal and take his medicine. 

 

Meanwhile, Amy was on her phone occupying a chair beside Felix’s bed, all while talking to him. She told Felix she dropped by the shop and Dave asked her about Felix's well-being, insisting that the Swede should take tomorrow off if he doesn't feel too well. Felix felt happy his boss cared. Dave has always treated him kindly and he would hate to disappoint the man.

 

“… So I kissed him and now we’re dating.” Amy carried on, grinning happily at Felix who was shaken back into reality. What was she talking about again? He could swear he zoned out half-way through her speech. Felix could definitely blame it on the medicine.

 

“He’s so dreamy, Felix!” She went on. “I mean he also plays the keyboard and I just fell in love the moment he dedicated that one piece to me. I swear to god I melted!”

 

Felix had a hard time catching up with all of Amy’s conquests. Who was it again she was talking about this time? Was it Peter? James? Oliver? God, he should seriously pay more attention to her talking in the future. Felix wouldn't want her thinking he didn't care. 

 

“So you’re dating Mark?” Felix spoke the name at random. In the back of his mind, he remembered Amy mentioning that name at least a couple times more than the others.

 

“No, Felix!” Amy sighed. She seemed disappointed by his guess, but not all so bothered. “His name’s Michael. Mark is my high school crush. Did you mix them all up again?”

 

“Sorry” He quickly apologized, making a mental note of her current situation. So Amy's dating Michael, who plays the piano, and who’s adorable and cute, but she also has a crush on her high school classmate Mark, who…Wait, who’s Mark again?

 

“Of course Michael is amazing and all,” Amy went on, all thoughtful and passionate. “But Mark is just…Special.”

 

“…Why aren’t you dating this Mark guy then?” Felix asked, totally oblivious yet entirely frustrated. If he didn’t put the puzzle pieces together he’ll just keep getting more and more lost in Amy's speech. Felix didn't want to be a bad friend, oh god no, anything but that. Amy was so kind to him so the least Felix could do was show interest in her love life.

 

“Oh sweetie!” Amy laughed with all her heart. “Mark is way out of my league” she admitted with slightly red cheeks. “Mark and I might have been in the same class in high school once but, there’s no way he’d remember me anyway. Now that he’s become famous and all, I don’t stand a single chance.”

 

Felix’s eyebrows met in the middle of his forehead. One piece of puzzle found, another bigger piece went missing. He had to admit it was sort of difficult to keep up with Amy's story-telling when she talked to him like she had known him for years. But he also liked that about her. She made him feel like a close friend, someone she trusted enough to tell her secrets to. 

 

“Amy” Felix interrupted her with a clear voice. He was feeling much better now that the medication had kicked in. “You’re a great girl, but I have no idea what you’re talking about half of the time. I'd appreciate you giving me the bigger picture here.”

 

Felix was honest, and he always feared being honest. He grew up in a household where honesty was a negative trait that might get you scolded and punished. But this was different, right? Now that Felix moved a thousand miles away just to start over, he's at least allowed to be himself, right? 

 

To his surprise, Amy was far from upset. She quickly burst out laughing instead, and Felix felt a huge weight get off his shoulders.

 

“Sorry, sorry!” She quickly added, calming down her laughter. “Sometimes I forget we just met a month ago. You’re so easy to talk to I always end up blabbering whenever we meet.” Amy took a deep breath, then seemed to drag her attention towards her phone, searching through some pictures, and once she found the one she was looking for her eyes lit up with excitement.

 

“These are _The Rock Killers_ ” Amy explained with a large grin.

 

She was holding up her smartphone in the air, which displayed a picture of three band members posing for a cover photo. Their faces were half visible under the darkness of the background which gave the entire picture an air of mystery. Felix noticed the different hair colors: Red, green and blue. And before he could ask any specific questions Amy was adding in more input.

 

“They’re the most famous indie rock back in town” Amy explained. “And this one here is Mark.”

 

Amy’s finger pointed at the guy with the shredded tie-less suit and red hair standing in the middle of the picture. Felix liked how his flaring red eyes contrasted with the color of his hair, which made him look like some badass antagonist. 

 

So _that_ was Mark.

 

“You probably don’t know these guys since you’re new in town, but I can tell you they’re the _shit_! Mark is the lead singer slash guitarist, and also the one who started the band, there’s also Jack the drummer and PJ the bassist. They were all in my class back in high school, super weird guys, crazy about breaking rules and great at scoring detention. But music, good god, they were good at it. It was always their dream to grow big, get famous. Everybody took their inflated ego with a grain of salt, and never believed they would actually make it somewhere. I was one of the few who actually did, and look at them now! They’re _awesome_ , I tell you!”

 

Amy inhaled then exhaled deeply. She seemed truly passionate about this band and specifically about Mark. Thanks to her, Felix has learned something new today.

 

“Oh crap!” She suddenly jumped off her seat at the sight of her wrist watch. “I'm late! The old man’s gonna kill me.”

 

Amy quickly shoved her phone into her pocket and rushed to the door.

 

“Don’t forget to drink your medication after your next meal” She advised. “I made a lot of chicken soup, you can find it on the kitchen counter. Just heat it up and you’ll be fine. Get plenty of rest, okay? I don’t want to have to cover for you tomorrow, so you better get healthy!”

 

Felix wasn’t sure whether he was being genuinely cared for, or Amy was just trying to get him back on his feet so that she doesn’t have to work his shift tomorrow too. Either way, Felix was happy.  

 

“Thanks, Amy.”

 

Amy smiled widely, waved at him, then rushed out of the apartment.

 

Felix did nothing special for the rest of that day. He was too lazy to heat up the food Amy had left him, so he spooned it out of the bowl cold and shoved more medicine down his throat. He eventually stopped sneezing and his throat felt far more relaxed.

 

With nothing else to do and tired of the random shows he bing-watched on Netflix throughout the day, Felix decided to check the band Amy introduced him earlier: _The Rock Killers_. Just as she mentioned, they were quite popular in town and had an entire website dedicated to their concerts and open band practices. At the sight of their CD covers Felix remembered the hooded guy from the day before. He wondered if that guy was a fan of this band too.

 

Felix went though some of their album trailers and was immediately surprised by the amazing quality of their songs. Not being much of a Metal or Rock fan himself, Felix was quite surprised to find they also played chiller, more relaxed music. There was this one track that caught his attention most. It had a slow and smooth beat to it, the bass’s resonance was relaxing and it all married so beautifully with the lead singer’s deep and captivating voice.

 

Before he knew it, Felix was lulled back into sleep with his laptop still on and the track playing in repeat.

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that this was the song Felix fell asleep to:
> 
> Wailin Storms - Mystery Girl
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7ZwvPlhqvY


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter's here and it's a long read so buckle up!
> 
> -Each of the songs performed by the fictional band The Rock Killers are real songs of amazing real life bands, so please do check them out and show them the support they deserve.
> 
> -I made sure to leave the links to the songs in the notes underneath. For a full reading experience make sure to listen to them in order of appearance.
> 
> And last but not least, this chapter's full of emotions, enjoy!

 

 

The next morning Felix woke up to a call from Amy asking whether she needed to cover for him again. Felix felt bad for having her work almost all day yesterday, and decided to force himself out of bed.

 

He still had a small cold on the side but his body was up and running and Felix thought he could manage through the day just fine. He took a relaxing warm shower, skipped breakfast, stocked his bag with tissues then walked the usual road to work.

 

The weather was perfect outside. The sky was a deep ocean blue with the occasional white clouds shrouding the staggering shine of the rising sun. The wind brushed gently against his cheeks and Felix exhaled in content. His morning deemed wonderful so far and he found joy in watching the school kids starting their daily commute.

 

Felix opened the shop in high spirits and began his daily routine. He turned the lights on, dusted the shelves off, washed the mud-covered windows resulting from the rainstorm, and last but not least, flipped the sign _'OPEN'_   as soon as it hit eight o'clock.

 

It took less than five minutes for Felix to hear the doorbell ring and the shop's front door open. He was in the middle of making himself a cup of coffee, and at the sight of his youngest most dedicated customers, a smile displayed itself on his face. Three ten-year old boys entered the shop one after the other, shouted “Good morning Felix!” then went on directly to the comics’ aisle. They were eager to skim through the newest Iron Man comic with wide passion-filled eyes. They reminded Felix of his childhood, back when he would go to game shops with his friends and bicker about who gets to be which superhero.

 

Felix was too preoccupied watching them fight over which one was more badass, Iron Man or Superman, that he almost didn’t notice the green-haired male standing at the front door staring at him for what looked like eternity.

 

“Oh god, sorry, uh, welcome!” Felix quickly improvised, feeling himself grow embarrassed. How long has this guy been standing there watching him foolishly smile to himself? 

 

It took Felix a second or two to identify his customer. This time he didn't have a hoodie nor a cap on, but through his soft features that contrasted with the lip and nose piercings - oh and was that a new septum piercing he got there?- Felix immediately recognized him as the hooded guy whom Felix lent the umbrella to two days ago. 

 

He must really love black, Felix speculated. Because once again the customer was dressed in a black leather jacket over a black shirt and a pair of tight black skinny jeans that accentuated his noticeable hips. The singular color that stood out of him was that of his hair, a neon shade of green Felix didn’t get the chance to notice during his last visit, along with the dozen ear piercings that Felix immediately lost count of -There must've been at least five on each ear. Once again, his outer look proved to be intimidating but that couldn't fool Felix twice. He knew this punk-looking guy was nicer and friendlier than he appeared. 

 

“I brought your umbrella back” said the green-haired guy in attempt to breach the awkward silence.

 

Felix watched him pull the umbrella out of his backpack and place it on the counter. Now that he looked at it then back at Jack, Felix was visited by the horrid image of this dark looking guy using a white and pink umbrella on a rainy day, and -although it was a precious gift from one of his best friends in Sweden - Felix felt ashamed for even owning it.

 

“Are you still sick?” The guy asked with concern, not minding the item he has just returned. “I came by yesterday and the old guy said you were sick. I’m sorry if it was because of me.”

 

He was happy by how considerate the guy was. But Felix also felt terrible for making others feel guilty, even if it meant he had to form an innocent lie for the sake of it.

 

“Oh no, it’s my heater” Felix explained. “I just moved in and the landlord said it takes a bit to get it to work.”

 

“Oh so that's why! That makes sense!” He flashed that sweet smile once more and Felix felt his heart skip a beat. “So you just moved in? Where do you come from?”

 

“Um, Sweden” Felix replied, trying to maintain his calm. It just came to him that he was in the middle of having a casual conversation with a dark and handsome guy whose smile was so perfect it made his heart melt. How did it even come to happen? Why would this guy even want to talk to him? It's not like Felix was any interesting both appearance and personality wise.

 

Felix dragged his eyes down to catch a glimpse of his outfit. He was wearing an old ugly black sweater with white snowflake dots, and a pair of casual jeans that were a size bigger. He had lost so much weight over the past months he could barely fit into his wardrobe.

 

“Dude, really?” The guy shouted in surprise, voice high and squeaky. “I was born in Ireland! That makes us Europe buddies, hell yeah!”

 

Felix couldn’t help but show interest in his statement. This guy was a foreigner, just like him, hence the accent. But how did he end up in a small suburban town in the middle of nowhere? Felix's head was suddenly overflowing with all sorts of questions. He felt the sudden urge to ask about this handsome stranger’s story, and maybe even tell his. But then again Felix’s story was without doubt too depressing to be the subject of casual conversation with someone he's trying to leave good impression on. So instead, Felix ended up swallowing his curiosity and cutting the small-talk short.

 

“So, uh, can I get you anything else?” He awkwardly asked, then watched the excitement die from the Irish's eyes.

 

“Sure, a Monster energy please.”

 

“Same as last time?”

 

“Same as last time.”

 

Felix nodded and turned towards the fridge. Did he just ruin the mood? Did he by any chance push away a potential friend? Fuck, this was no different than Sweden. Felix's anxiety kicked in and he noticed his hands were trembling. With the corner of his eye, he could see the guy's eyes still on him. What if he saw through him? What if he thought he was a freak? Shit, what should he do?

 

Felix’s heart skipped a beat when his name got called. The three school kids were just yet done with their daily read and were greeting him goodbye before leaving the shop.

 

“Bye Felix!” They all said at once.

 

“Bye guys, see you tomorrow!” Felix regained his smile and quickly waved back. With a clatter of the door the three kids were gone, and he was left alone with the Irish guy.

 

The short distraction helped his heartbeat regulate, and Felix realized he had just avoided a panic attack. 

 

“Thanks, Felix” said the guy whose hand took hold of the Monster energy drink Felix put on the counter. “You can call me Jack, by the way.”

 

He didn't seem to have noticed anything strange in his behavior. Felix was relieved.

 

“That would be –“

 

“It’s fine. You keep the change” the named Jack insisted, pushing the five dollar bill on the counter. “It’s for being a nice dude and lending me your umbrella.”

 

Felix was surprised yet gratified by his gesture. He wasn’t even sure he was allowed to accept tips at work but Jack didn’t seem the kind of guy to take 'no' for an answer, as soon enough he was waving Felix goodbye and walking to the door.

 

“See you around, Felix!”

 

And just like that he was gone.

 

Felix wore a smile on his face for the rest of the day. This time he was positive he had made a friend.

 

 

**…**

 

 

It was Friday evening, one hour to closing time. Fridays and Saturdays were Felix’s favorite days of the week since they were the busiest. He didn’t get to sit around and flip through a magazine to pass time but instead, Felix gets to help customers decide on a next comic series to read, or explain how a board game works or maybe even suggest the latest edition of cards for the card games enthusiasts.

 

Felix was having a great deal of fun but he was also drained and exhausted. Due to Amy’s busy schedule during exam period, Felix had to raise his working hours up to twelve hours a day. Still, he wasn't one to complain, and Amy promised to pay him back with a couple free drinks and a good time. She even invited him to meet her group of friends, a chance for him to make new friends. 

 

After last week's positive turn of events with Jack -who showed up several times after that to grab a Monster drink and make small talk- Felix's confidence received a good kick, and he was already looking forward to meeting Amy's friends tonight.

 

At half past seven the shop grew quieter and the customers began leaving one by one. Felix was busy cleaning the human-sized Darth Vader in the middle of the shop when the front door opened and a group of youngsters stormed in. They ignored Felix completely and went on talking loudly between the aisles. Felix was used to having loud customers barge in once in a while and he didn't pay them any mind as long as they didn't destroy anything. 

 

They started talking loudly about famous bands Felix recognized from the radio, but once they went on specifically mentioning the local band names Felix lost track of the conversation. He still needed to educate himself on the local culture, and perhaps Amy could help.

 

“By the way, have you guys heard?” announced the girl with purple-dyed short hair, her friends called her Pam. “Some indie rock bands are playing at the Black Bull tonight. Wanna check it out?”

 

“Who's playing?” asked the taller guy with long voluminous neon blue hair that covered half of his face, his name was apparently Ethan. "If the Rock Killers are there, I'm in."

 

“They are!" shouted Pam. She and Ethan waved their arms in the air and started screaming out with joy. 

 

“Dude, that band's _so_ overrated” muttered bitterly the second, bigger guy who was too busy listening to a CD track. “Everyone's into them because of their looks. That's kinda lame."

 

“Don’t talk shit about my babies, Tyler!" spat Pam bitterly. "Mark’s angelic voice and Jack’s talented drumming skills are nothing compared to us. And PJ, the guy who plays the bass so good I cry over my own skills. Come on, you gotta be deaf to think their band is about nothing but looks!"

 

“Fine, fine, whatever. I'm coming anyway” The named Tyler gave up, shaking his head in surrender. Pam's grin widened and she was soon hugging him from the side. Felix thought they were together but Pam was soon holding Ethan's hand and walking down the comics aisle with him, leaving Tyler engrossed in his track-listening activity.

 

Felix wondered if they were part of a band too since they looked the part and their conversation sort of gave off that impression. What if everyone else in town around Felix's age was an indie music fanatic? This could exclude him from the community. After all, he had never done as much as pick up an instrument. Well, maybe once as a teenager he tried to practice a bit of guitar, but he was never really good at it and dropped it after two months tops. His skills would definitely be no match to any of these guys.

 

Felix had to survive hearing their loud conversation and laughter for another half an hour before they decided to leave, right around closing time.

 

He got a message from Amy asking him to meet her at the Black Bull bar. If Felix heard right, it was the exact same bar the loud guys from earlier mentioned. It didn’t take Felix long to realize it must've been Amy’s plan all along to drag him to one of The Rock Killers' performances and introduce the Swede to her high school crush, Mark.

 

Quarter past eight and Felix was finally done with his closing-up routine. He checked twice if all the lights were turned off, flipped the sign back to _CLOSED,_ then twisted the key twice into the door lock for safety. His phone vibrated, and he fished it out of his pocket to read Amy's new text message.

 

_Bar's downtown. Charles St. Take a right at the yellow pub and go downstairs._

_Call me if you can't find it._

 

It took Felix an hour to get downtown between getting lost and asking random strangers for directions. Once he got there he gave up and decided to call Amy instead.

 

“I’m in the big street with the yellow pub in the corner" Felix shouted in frustration. “I just can’t find the fucking bar!”

 

“Jeez, Felix, _chill_!” Amy hushed from the other side of the phone. “Stay right where you are, I’ll pick you up.”

 

Felix couldn't just  _chill_. He was frustrated and anxious. He was always bad with crowds and having to stand on his own in the middle of a street filled with people his age was absolutely bad for his heart. On top of that, Felix felt underdressed and extremely insecure.

 

Before leaving for work this morning Felix had spent two hours deciding on tonight's outfit. Most of his clothes were either too large or too old. He wasn’t confident enough to put the stuff he wanted to put on and he was running out of time and had to hurriedly make a decision. So Felix winded up throwing on a black long-sleeved shirt underneath a flannel, a pair of shredded black jeans that, to his surprise, still fitted him, and a pair of sneakers that were slightly squeezing his toes in the front. Sooner or later he had to face the fact that he was growing out of his favorite sneakers, just not today.

 

All in all, Felix didn’t look half as bad as he thought, but in comparison to the group of cool guys walking down the street together, he was totally lame. Felix sighed. This wasn’t helping his anxiety. He was growing more and more frustrated by the second.

 

Soon enough Felix was lying his eyes on Amy’s stretched hand waving in his direction and Felix's frustration slowly melted away by the time she'd approached him.

 

“There you are!” she yelled. “You were literally two steps away from the bar!"

 

“Really?” Felix squinted his eyes, looking around himself as if he was expecting the bar to emerge out of nowhere.

 

“This way, silly!”

 

Amy led the way and the two took a small route to the right, in between two restaurants. Felix could swear the alleyway wasn't there before. A couple steps ahead and Felix was reading a sign that said ‘ _Black Bull Bar’_ and a neon red arrow pointing downward.

 

Amy led the way down the staircase and Felix followed, his rib cage started resonating in echo to the music beat blasting from the other side of the entrance door. 

Once inside, Amy flew right ahead and Felix was left squeezing himself through the sea of people trying to catch up to the girl. They walked across the entire bar and arrived at a table in the corner occupied by two guys and a girl. Once they caught sight of Amy, they started waving her way.

 

"Hi guys!" Amy hugged each and every one of the three as a greeting and she quickly jumped to the introductions.

 

“Felix, this is Emma” Amy started, pointing at the girl sitting at the far end of the table. Emma had had short dark hair with shades of green and outrageous make-up that fit her flashy look. “This is Michael” Amy continued, introducing the quiet shy guy next to Emma. When their eyes met, Amy winked at him and Felix instantly understood that this was the Michael she recently started dating. “And last but not least, Brad.” The called Brad was in the middle of rolling a cigarette, and he greeted Felix with a high five.

 

“Guys, this is Felix" Amy announced at last, motioning towards the nervous Swede. “We work at the game shop together, and he’s also sort of new in town. So you all better be nice to him, okay?”

 

“Hi, Felix!” said Emma enthusiastically. “So you work with Amy? How is that like? Bet she makes you work her shifts all the time.”

 

Amy punched her friend’s shoulder and Emma cried out in pain. She wasn’t wrong though, Felix had to work three full days in a row for her.

 

“That’s what you get for being mean” Amy bullied.

 

“But it’s true!” Emma insisted. “You used to do that a lot when I used to work there, remember?”

 

“You used to work at the game shop?” Felix asked with interest, sitting himself on the free spot next to Brad. 

 

“During summer break” Emma clarified, moving aside to make some space for Amy to squeeze between her and Michael. “It was just a month, I needed some money and Amy bullied me into working with her. I didn't have much of a choice.”

 

“Liar, you loved it!” Amy giggled. “You wished you could continue working there if it wasn't for the old man kicking you out for flirting with the customers.”

 

“Seriously, Emma?” Brad laughed, dragging his head up. "I'm impressed."

 

“It’s not my fault cute guys come in and out of that place, dammit!” she confessed, rolling her eyes. “I bet Felix thinks the same.”

 

“Huh?” Felix’s eyes spread wide open when Emma mentioned his name. His mind quickly went to thinking about the green-haired Irish guy and before he knew it Felix's cheeks were turning a shade of red. Thankfully, Amy was quick to come to the rescue.

 

“Hey, I told you to be nice!"

 

"I am!"

 

"No you're not! You can't just ask someone you just met something like that!”

 

Amy punched Emma’s shoulder again, making her scream, then the two started cat-fighting each other.

 

Everyone at the table started laughing and Felix sighed in relief. He barely knew this group of people, and he barely knew Amy herself. He wasn't ready to come out to them, at least not yet. And even if keeping his sexuality a secret could keep his friends around, then so be it.

 

“All right, I’m getting us drinks" Brad announced as he rose to his feet, cigarette in mouth. "You guys want anything?”

 

“The usual passion fruit juice, please” Amy politely ordered.

 

“I’ll have a vodka energy” Emma added.

 

“Wow, tone it down, Emma. Nobody wants you getting shit-drunk before our babies even get on stage !” 

 

“I don’t care!” Emma spat.

 

“A passion fruit juice, a vodka energy and two beers for me and Mike,” Brad concluded, nodding at Michael. “What about you, Felix?”

 

“Uh” Felix didn’t really think about it. He didn’t think he’d want to stay long after his twelve-hour shift, but now that he was here, he felt rather energetic. It must be the rush of adrenaline from meeting new people and discovering new places. “What do they have other than beer?”

 

“Quite a lot. You can come along and see for yourself” Brad suggested. “I need an extra pair of hands to hold all the drinks, anyway.”

 

“Yeah, sure!” Felix stood up eagerly and followed Brad to the bar counter.

 

“Don’t get lost, boys!” He heard Amy shout in the back but the two were already swimming in the sea of people once more.

 

Felix was indecisively skimming through the menu hanging on the wall. He had to to refuse himself all sorts of dry shots and settle for a mixt of Jack Daniel’s and coke. Brad ordered the rest of the drink but got caught up in a conversation with some guy he ran into. So Felix was left standing at the bar counter, waiting for him to be done.

 

The music wasn't half as bad but it was a bit too loud for Felix's taste. He sipped out of his glass and curiously eyed his surroundings. The anxiety from earlier had faded away and he was now feeling relaxed and comfortable in his shoes. Felix dragged his eyes towards the centre of the bar where some guys were building up the stage for tonight's performing bands. He didn’t recognize any of the three guys who walked in and started plugging in their instruments, then running a couple tests before they could begin with their first track.

 

“Felix?”

 

Felix heard his name being called in the middle of the loud bar. He turned his head and his eyes fell on the familiar figure of a green-haired male who was approaching him at a fast pace, a wide smile upon his face.

 

“Felix, it’s me, Jack!” The guy announced with a lively voice. “I'm surprised to see you here. Are you alone?”

 

Felix wasn’t used to meeting his customers outside of work, so seeing Jack under the dim lights of the bar gave off an entirely different vibe. His outfit was on point. He wore a leather jacket with the addition of a black skull-shaped printed  shirt underneath and a pair of shredded skinny jeans that sort of matched Felix’s. His boots rose him a couple inches higher than the Swede, which made him appear slightly more intimidating.

 

“N-Not really” Felix stuttered, finding it hard to find the right words in the presence of a man he sort of admired. “I’m here with a couple friends.”

 

“Nice!” Jack nodded with a grin, his white teeth flashing bright. It was unusual for Felix to see him this relaxed. In the shop he always appeared so stiff and out of place. But here, here Jack looked like he belonged.

 

“You’re not leaving any time soon, are you?" He asked. "My band’s playing tonight, so you should stick around and hear us play.”

 

The invitation caught Felix rather by surprise. He wasn't planning to stay that long but he also couldn't see himself refusing someone he wanted to befriend.

 

“So you’re in a band?” Felix found himself asking instead. He was easing himself into the conversation, which to him was rather unusual. He blamed it on the alcohol, ignoring the fact that his glass was still half-full.

 

“Yeah, man!” Jack enthusiastically confirmed. “We’re up after these guys” He pointed at the three men on stage who were introducing themselves to the public. 

 

Jack was so overwhelmingly cheerful and high-spirited that Felix lost track of whatever he was in the middle of doing. There was a brief pause and then the current band's first track started playing in the background. It was a metal band, not Felix's favorite genre, but Jack begged to differ. His head was bouncing up and down to the rhythm of the song, his blue orbs gleaming with incitement. Felix was caught watching him and once Jack noticed he pushed himself onto him, oblivious to how he was cornering the Swede against the bar counter. His face was so close Felix could feel his breath against his skin, and then he noticed he was trying to tell him something.  

 

“Hey let me buy you a drink after we're done, okay?"

 

“S-Sure!” Felix forced out with a nod. Then someone called out for Jack and soon he was dragged away into the crowd again.

 

“Awesome! I'll see you later!” He waved goodbye and left Felix at the bar counter where he first found him, except now the Swede’s heart was racing miles a minute and he was feeling all flustered and bashful.

 

“Dude, you know _Jack_?” Brad asked in disbelief. Felix noticed he was done talking to his friend and must've caught him and Jack waving each other goodbye.

 

“Sort of” Felix explained. _‘He’s a customer’_ he wanted to add, but Brad was quickly interrupting him.

 

“Really?” He shouted, eyes widening in surprise. “Man, that’s so cool! He’s the best out of the three, honest opinion. Amy might disagree though, so don’t tell her all right?”

 

“Because of Mark, right?” Felix guessed with a grin.  

 

“She’s all over him, isn’t she?” Brad continued, laughing it off.

 

The two picked up their drinks and returned to the table at the corner of the bar where their friends were waiting.

 

“You’re late!” Amy complained. “Did you guys get lost?”

 

“Sorry” Felix apologized, seating himself across from Amy, Emma and Michael, then handing Emma and Amy their drinks.

 

"Finally, thank you!" Emma smiled in appreciation, then hastily sipped out of her glass.

 

“I met some dude from college” Brad explained as he handed over a beer to Michael, he then sat himself back next to Felix. “Oh and Felix was talking to  _The_ Jack.”

 

“What?” Emma nearly screamed, and in the split of a second, everyone’s eyes were on Felix.

 

“You know _Jack_?” Amy asked with a look of pure disbelief. “Why’d you never tell me?”

 

“Which Jack are we talking about?” Asked Michael, who was apparently as oblivious as Felix.

 

“ _The_ Jack, Michael!” Amy screamed at him, startling the quiet guy. “The drummer from The Rock Killers!”

 

Felix was both confused and surprised at the new set of information launched at him. If his friends were right, then the green-haired Irish _Jack_ to whom he lent an umbrella about a week ago, and who made small-talk with Felix almost everyday ever since, was the same _Jack_ Amy told him about: The drummer of The Rock Killers. Felix's heart was racing when he connected the last dots by remembering what Jack told him a couple minutes ago, about his band performing tonight. It hadn't even crossed his mind that he might've been talking about The Rock Killers. Felix was speechless.

 

“What’d he say, what’d he say?” Emma interrupted Amy and Michael’s argument to jump on Felix with questions. “Are you guys like best buddies or something?”

 

Jack did call them ‘Europe buddies’ once, but Felix wasn't about to jump to any conclusions. They were new friends, that's all.

 

“He's been sort of a regular at the shop recently” Felix quickly clarified. “He just wanted to say hi.”

 

“Fuck me!” Amy cried out. “Why do I never get lucky with my customers? I always run into the drunk assholes!” She rolled her eyes and threw herself back in her seat, arms crossed. “But you gotta introduce us, Felix! You _must_ introduce us okay? Pretty please?"

 

“Of course” He agreed with a nod so that Amy could cheer up. But instead, she jumped on him over the table with a hug and everyone burst out laughing.

 

Was his acquaintance with Jack that big of a deal? Felix wondered.

 

And apparently he was wrong, because Jack _was_ that big of a deal and so was his band.

 

The moment the music stopped and the three guys left the stage to make place for the next band, the entire bar fell into what seemed like a state of trance. Everyone was suddenly cutting their conversations short and dragging their eyes towards the middle of the bar. The lightning dimmed, and a shimmering sea of red, green and blue started flickering above the stage. A heavy white fog roamed around the scene and then soon enough, the suspense reached its peak and under lungful screams Felix watched the three mysterious shadows emerge from the dark, each one of them occupying part of the stage where they dramatically struck a pose.

 

Felix’s heart skipped a beat when the lights flashed on, revealing the faces of the three men on stage, and everyone in the bar broke out screaming to the top of their lungs.

 

Their appearance as well as their demeanor was a performance on its own. At the far right stood a tall spiky blue-haired, smoky looking guy. He was wearing a black coat and flat boots that matched the color of his messy hair, shimmering blue bass in hand. Felix recognized him as PJ, the bassist. In the far left was Jack, seated behind his drum set. Jack looked exactly like Felix saw him earlier, except he looked like he had added some eye shadow to fit into the mystery of the stage performance. Felix didn’t know why but he felt some sort of pride in being able to recognize someone on stage like that.

 

And last but not least, in the middle of the stage stood the lead singer, Mark. He looked exactly like on Amy's picture, if not better. Mark was shorter compared to PJ, but physically bigger and well-built. Mark’s hair was a perfect shade of red that could be mistaken for fire under the reflection of the stage lights. He wore his signature ripped black suit, no tie, with the addition of a leather jacket that he stripped off his body the moment he set foot on stage, making the front-row fans lose their sanity.

 

Felix finally understood Amy’s fuss about the guy. Mark was - and if Felix had to be blunt and put it in the right words-  _fucking_ sexy. He was the kind of guy who’d leave any guy or girl dreaming. The kind of man whose sex-appeal hooks you up the moment you lay eyes on him. That was what Mark was all about, and more. And Felix was helplessly falling for his charisma, whether he wished to or not.

 

The performance itself was mind blowing. Once they started performing their first track Felix could no longer peel his eyes off them. Mark’s voice was so deep, smooth and strong it blew his mind away. His guitar skills, along with Jack’s drum beats and PJ’s bass rhythm added to the ecstatic experience of the act. Felix was so bewildered he didn't realize the rest of his friends were calling out his name, until Amy’s hand came landing a firm grip on his shoulder, dragging him back to his senses.

 

“See that, Felix?” Amy shouted loudly for Felix to hear, her eyes full of stars Felix hadn't seen there before. “See what I was talking about? What do you think?”

 

“They’re _fucking_ good!” Felix found himself shouting excitedly. He had no idea what kind of expression he was wearing at this point, but Amy’s loud laugh was proof he looked like an idiot.

 

“I don’t blame you, sweetie” Amy chuckled, patting his shoulder. She was talking in a normal tone again. The band seemed to have stopped to take a small break between songs. “Those men are the living manifestation of erotica.” 

 

“I’m right here” Michael brought up in a chuckle. Felix realized he’d been staring at them all along.

 

“Aw, is Mikey jealous?” Emma teased and Michael’s face turned bright red. Amy quickly moved to start cuddling up to her boyfriend. Felix thought they were cute together.

 

“The bathrooms?” He asked. Brad pointed at the two doors at far end of the bar and Felix stood up to drag himself all the way there hoping to make it back on time for the second track.

 

He only had one drink so far so Felix was still holding up just fine. He quickly used the bathroom and lingered a bit behind the sink. He washed his face and stared at his reflection. His blond hair was a mess and his cheeks were flushed red. 

 

His heart was palpitating with an excitement he could barely contain. He was glad he decided to hang out with Amy tonight. Everyone he met was nice to him and he even got to see Jack under a new light. On top of it all, he had the chance to witness the best band in town perform live. This night couldn’t get any better.

 

Felix exited the bathroom back into the crowded bar and to his luck, the band had just returned back on stage to pick up where they left, ready to introduce their second track. From where he stood, Felix was closer to the stage than before, so he decided to push through the couple people to get a visible spot in the front. There, he could see everything clearly.

 

“The next song’s called _I’m outta breath*_ ” Mark’s voice smoothly announced, sending the bar back into instant silence.

 

The bass wrote an opening for the next song, a slow stretched resonance that sent chills down Felix’s spine. Then the drums joined in, a steady clean beat that vibrated against his chest. Then lastly the guitar was introduced, fusing with the other two elements to create the perfect masterpiece. Mark’s enthralling voice was the genius on top of the perfection, and the moment it echoed around the room to mark the peak of the chorus Felix felt his body freeze, heart and mind go blank, and he was entirely lost to the beauty of Rock music.

 

The room was soon falling back into silence, easing into the song’s end, and what followed were the loudest screams heard throughout the night. Felix was shaken back to reality, and his eyes regained clear focus of the three performers on stage. PJ was leaning forward, charmingly thanking a couple fans for the gifted flowers, and Mark was repeatedly purring ‘Thank you’s’ on the mic, making everyone melt in the process, and then there was Jack, Jack who was staring his way.

 

When their eyes met, Jack flashed a smile and Felix's heart pounded in response. Up on stage with his dark clothes and smoky eyes, Jack had this enchanting aura surrounding him Felix could hardly describe. Jack was making him more and more aware and the Swede was afraid he was falling into it.

 

“You guys are so wonderful. Thank you” Mark’s voice dragged Jack's attention away from Felix and back to the public. “Since you’re all such precious souls, Jack, PJ and I have decided to dedicate this particular song to all of you out here tonight. The next song’s called _Nice Things**_ , and whenever we sing this one song, there’s only one thing in our mind. _You_.”

 

At Mark’s passionate speech, his right hand rose in the air and pointed at the crowd of people before him. And just as he did so, PJ’s bass started playing in the background, Jack’s drums joined in, Mark’s guitar followed, and then his marvelous voice blasted out of the loudspeakers to turn the entire place upside down in the matter of seconds. 

 

This night marked the beginning of a new chapter in Felix's life. And it had just begun. 

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *First song: 
> 
> Witchrider - I'm outta breath (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vGQKpyYY6Q)
> 
> **Second song:
> 
> Furr - Nice Things (https://midwestaxn.bandcamp.com/track/nice-things)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a lot of editing but I'm very satisfied with the result. 
> 
> WARNING: Mentions of anxiety, panic attack, trauma, emotional/physical abuse and smoking. 
> 
> If you are triggered by these elements, please be very careful with your read! 
> 
> Enjoy.

 

It was past midnight when The Rock Killers exited the stage leaving room for the next band to perform. Felix noticed the other bands attracted little attention in comparison. The bar was soon returning to its previous state with everyone regaining their seats and conversing loudly.

 

Felix wished he could extend his stay. He was enjoying the company of his new friends and the feeling was mutual, but he had to work the early shift on Saturday, which was seven hours away from now, and the exhaustion from earlier was starting to weight down on his eyelids.

 

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Amy dismissively frowned. “Felix, sweetie, the night’s just getting started.”

 

“She’s right,” agreed a tipsy Brad who was rolling himself the fifth cigarette of the night. He seemed to smoke a lot when drunk. “The fun always starts _after_ midnight. Aka Amy spends the next four hours looking for the perfect chance to introduce herself to Mark."

 

The table shook under the sound of a loud thud and Brad painfully cursed at the kick he had just received.

 

“Shut up” Amy shamefully muttered.

 

“Come on, Amy, we all know tonight’s your night” Emma encouraged “Even Michael agrees.”

 

Michael, who was just as tipsy as Brad by now, eagerly nodded to support Emma’s statement.

 

“Good luck, Amy” He said with a grin.

 

Felix had a hard time understanding these two’s relationship. He could barely believe that Michael knew about Amy’s crush on Mark before they even started dating and he didn't mind at all, on the contrary, he was rather supportive.

 

“I wish I could see that” Felix confessed “But I work the first shift tomorrow and I gotta be awake by seven.”

 

“It’s Friday night!” Amy insisted “You can at least stay another hour, come on! Just one hour! Please?”

 

Felix weighted down the odds and decided to do as Amy said and stay for another hour. After all Jack had promised him a drink. But it’s been half an hour and Jack was nowhere to be seen.

 

“All right” Felix agreed. “Just one hour, though.”

 

Amy and Emma jumped in excitement, and Michael and Brad offered to buy him a beer. Felix refused politely, but he was happy to see his new friends appreciated having him around.

 

For the next fifteen minutes Felix held watch of the bar’s front entrance, expecting Jack to make appearance at any given moment. His heart would race whenever he’d catch a glimpse of a shade of green in the mass, only to be disappointed by the wrong person underneath it. In the end he decided to enjoy what was left of his night and focus on conversing with his friends instead.

 

Amy was in the middle of telling a story about work when Felix’s phone vibrated. He absentmindedly pulled it out of his pocket and eyed the anonymous caller’s number.

 

“I can’t believe that guy kept showing up every damn day since,” Amy carried on with her rant “Like, dude, I work there, it’s my job to be nice to you. But that doesn’t give you the right to flirt with me on every goddamn occasion!”

 

“That guy should back off!” Emma spat, looking furious after hearing Amy’s story. “If I were you I’d kick his ass out of the shop and sue him for sexual harassment. Am I right, Felix?”

 

Felix jumped in his seat at the hearing of his name.

 

“Are you okay there?” Emma asked, chuckling at his reaction.

 

Felix’s face had turned pale and his eyes had lost their previous shine, but he was quick to put a smile back on.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine” he reassured. “Sorry I’m just, uh, a bit tired.”

 

“Not used to Friday nights yet, huh? I give this one a month” Brad teased, pointing at Felix and nodding at Emma.

 

“Two months. Twenty bucks” She bet with a confident grin, then the group went back to discussing Amy’s situation.

 

His phone vibrated a second time and Felix felt himself turn stone-cold. After the third call, the person decided to send a text message.

 

_Pick up your phone Felix_

_It’s me_

 

Felix’s heart throbbed and the air was stuck in his throat at the sight of his phone screen. He had to excuse himself to the bathroom before his friends could get suspicious. 

 

The bathroom was full and there was a huge line in front of the door. Felix couldn’t picture himself standing there and waiting, not with the caller’s message in the back of his mind, so he took the least crowded route out and winded up in a small alleyway somewhere in the back of the Black Bull Bar.

 

Felix took three long deep drags of cold air and exhaled loudly after each. Then with trembling hands, he forwarded the phone to his ear and inspected his voice mailbox.

 

_You have 2 new messages._

 

_Message number one._

 

“ _Hey_ _Felix, it’s been a while”_ Announced a deep masculine voice Felix immediately recognized. “ _I know you didn’t expect me calling you anytime soon. How long has it been again? A month? Two? It feels like forever since you’ve left. Do you miss me Felix? ‘Cause I miss you a lot. I don’t hate you for leaving. I really don’t. I know you had your reason and all. But I’m sad, Felix. After what happened, I didn’t expect you to just up and go. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Felix. I miss you. Please call me.”_

 

_End of message number one._

 

Felix’s heart clenched with every word. The deep emotions buried within him were taking surface and he found himself biting his nails in the process of trying to keep himself composed.

 

_Message number two._

 

 _“…Hey, I just wanted to say that I still love you, Felix,”_ The same voice continued. _“And I’m not letting you go. I’m coming after you baby. I’m back to America soon. I’ll look for you wherever you are. I’m going to find you. I’m going to fucking find you, you hear me?!”_

 

_End of message number two._

 

The switch in the man’s tone in the second message left Felix paralyzed. He bit his nails so hard it hurt, but the pain was nothing compared to his current state of fear. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He couldn’t believe he was found by him.

 

His name was Dustin, an American exchange student Felix met in college back in Sweden. Dustin was also the first man Felix has gotten in a relationship with. They started as friends, and their feelings developed throughout the year they’ve spent as classmates. Overtime Felix came to realize that Dustin wasn’t the nice guy he thought him to be. Dustin was mentally instable, and tried to manipulate and abuse him for months on end. At their one-year anniversary, Felix decided to put an end to it. Dustin, however, did not seem happy with that decision, and since then everything in Felix’s life went downhill.

 

Felix was rocking back and forth on his feet. His bloody nails now tugging so deep into his thighs he could feel them break through the layers of jeans and into the skin underneath.

 

He was scared. He was really scared. There was no way Dustin was tracking him down. How would he do that?

 

But then Felix was reminded by his early memories upon meeting the American. The way Dustin would follow him home every single day or hide in his backyard to surprise him. Back then, Felix was blindly in love, and thought everything Dustin did was cute and romantic. But eventually, it started getting creepy, and then one day after a stupid fight, Dustin broke into Felix’s room at night and forced his way on him. It continued for an entire year of emotional pain and physical abuse, and just thinking about it, just reminiscing on those memories had Felix’s stomach turn.

 

The phone vibrated. He was calling again.

 

Felix’s hands grew moist with sweat and he developed a terrible headache. Tears started forming in his eyes and once again he was in the verge of having a panic attack, except this time there was no one around to help him through it.

 

Leaning over with his two hands pressed against the cold wall Felix threw up all of what he’d had throughout that evening. His stomach granted him temporary peace but his anxiety was persistent. Looking up he realized he had caught the attention of a couple smokers standing by the door.

 

Felix pictured Amy, Emma, Michael and Brad coming out of that door and catching him like this. The thought gave him the sudden urge to escape, so he pushed himself off the wall and ran away to the end of the alleyway. There Felix stopped and sat himself down on the staircase to catch a breath. With tears streaming down his cheeks, Felix tried concentrating, remembering all the wonderful things he got the chance to live tonight. The new amazing friends he made, the cute Irish boy he met, and most of all, the mind blowing live performance he’d seen. But no matter how hard Felix tried, the negative thoughts always managed to return.

 

_What if finds me? What if Dustin finds where I live? What if he decides to come all the way down here and ruin my life just like he did in Sweden?_

“Are you okay down there?”

 

Startled, Felix rose his eyes towards the voice source. A couple steps higher on the staircase, a guy was seating himself with his back pressed against the handrail. His hair was a slick shade of red that reminded Felix of fire, and that particular observation had him immediately recognize the man whom he was in the presence of. It was Mark, the lead singer of The Rock Killers.

 

Under normal circumstances Felix would jump on the occasion to tell the guy how talented and amazing he was back on stage. But with dried tears and red eyes, Felix was averting his gaze back down instead, shameful to have anyone see him like this.

 

“Do you want to die?” He asked.

 

To his confusion, Felix rose his eyes back towards Mark. He had changed into more comfortable clothes, a dark grey hoodie and a pair of jeans. He was wearing glasses and had a half-burnt cigarette trapped between his lips. He was also stretching out a hand, holding a pack of cigarette towards him.

 

“You know, because smoking kills?” Mark continued, “But we still do it anyway. So instead of asking if someone wants a smoke you ask if they want to die, or if they want lung cancer. Get it? No? Okay, I’ll shut up.” Mark mumbled the last words with a soft embarrassed sigh. Felix thought he was terrible with small-talk.

 

“Sure” He managed out in a broken voice.

 

Felix wasn’t a fan of smoking. The lingering smell and taste of nicotine had him swear every cigarette to be his last. But it’s times like these, when he finds himself standing up and reaching out for the offered piece like his life depended on it, that leave Felix wondering if he’ll ever entirely quit.

 

He hastily placed the tip of the filter between his cold-trembling lips and used the lighter found inside the pack to bring the cigarette to life. He took a long, impatient drag, and the feeling of toxic smoke invading his lungs made him instantly cough.

 

There was a soft laugh coming from above. Mark was watching him with a smile on his face.

 

“Easy, buddy. You don’t _seriously_ want to die, do you?”

 

Felix felt embarrassed for having made a fool out of himself in front of Mark of all people. Listening to his advice, he took a second and slower drag. The rush of nicotine flew through his lungs and pumped into his veins, granting him a swift peace, a fleeting moment that had his mind obstruct all negative thoughts in favor of a momentary rush. Now Felix remembers why he keeps returning back to cigarettes every once in a while.

 

“Feeling better?” Mark asked after Felix blew out a long line of smoke, watching it dissipate in the cold air.

 

To his surprise, he was. His phone was still occasionally vibrating in his pocket, but that didn’t bother him anymore.

 

“Thanks” Felix said.

 

When he looked up, Mark was staring at the night sky.

 

“Less industrial smoke, less artificial lights,” he began, voice calm and steady, almost as if he was speaking to himself. “Once you uncover the beauty of the suburbs you can never return back to the city.”

 

Mark shifted around in his seat. He put his legs in between the empty spaces of the handrail, lowering them down to have them hang in the air, his arms crossed around the thin rails, large hands holding grip of the metallic rods. Then Mark’s gaze met his. His deep dark hues reflected the faintest hint of light, evoking an air of mystery. It was happening again, Felix was falling under the charm of his alluring demeanor and he failed to pinpoint the exact reason why.

 

“You’re from the city?” Mark asked.

 

“Is it that obvious?” Felix showed half a smile to which Mark replied with a grin, pointing at himself proudly.

 

“As a city guy myself, I have honed my skills into recognizing fellow city people by the shape of the tip of their nose.”

 

Felix blinked.

 

“How does that work?” He asked, his question had Mark beam with excitement.

 

“We’re talking generations and generations of research and sharp analysis! First, you start by looking at the person’s nose, study the shape and the size, make a mental image of it and then… Wait, I’m not supposed to be telling you this. It’s a family secret. How dare you make me spill the secret of my ancestors in a matter of seconds?”

 

Felix couldn’t help but allow a little chuckle to escape him. His cigarette had died by now and he threw it on the muddy ground where it lost its last spark. Felix wished he could discard his anxiety the way he discarded that cigarette bud.

 

“Oh well,” Mark continued, seemingly proud to have brought Felix to crack a smile. “I’m a regular at the bar so I tend to notice when there are new faces around.”

 

“Sorry, but the nose-recognition family secret is way more believable, I’ll have to stick with that” Felix grinned.

 

“Dammit!” Mark dramatically threw a fist to the sky. “My attempt to psychologically lure the enemy away has failed. Abort mission! I said abort mission!”

 

Before he knew it, Felix’s stomach had calmed down, his heartbeat regulated, and his laugh was more genuine and prominent than ever. There was a persistent hint of fear engraved within the back of his skull, however, whenever his mind decided to remind him of the message from earlier.

 

_I’m going to find you. I’m going to fucking find you, you hear me?!_

 

His body trembled in disgust.

 

“You’re making that face again” Mark pointed out, focusing Felix’s attention back on him. Felix could swear he could see his own broken expression reflected on Mark. “Trust me, it isn’t working. You’re not getting another slow-death-inducing cigarette out of me this time.”

 

“Not at all?” Felix was quick to answer. “What if I threaten to leak your family secret out to the public?”

 

“You wouldn’t dare!” Mark screamed.

 

“Challenge accepted!”

 

The two men shared a heartfelt laughter which echoed through the cold damp alleyway. In just a couple minutes, he felt like he had warmed up to Mark more than all of his friends combined. 

 

“Shouldn’t you be back inside signing fan merch or something?” Felix asked with a curious eye. He had brought his knees to his chest, crossed his arms over them and rested his chin on top.

 

“Oh shit, they’re still waiting, aren’t they?” Mark sighed, swaying his legs back and forth in the air. “Would you do me a favor and tell them I’m busy hiding out here crying over my social anxiety? I’ll be forever in your debt.”

 

“You’re bad with crowds?” Felix asked with clear surprise. “Who would’ve guessed? The Mark on stage is…”

 

Felix’s words were caught short by the reminder of Mark’s marking entrance on stage earlier. The way he toyed with his charms in ways no eyes could escape, Felix thought him a master of seduction, a sex god. He was entirely smitten.

 

 “…Different.” Felix quickly finished, clearing up his throat. Realizing he had just called Mark a sex god in his mind had him blush.

 

Mark’s answer was delayed. Felix was busy eyeing his tight sneakers -that were painfully squeezing his toes by now- he almost screamed when Mark jumped down onto the ground. He stood two feet away from him with both hands into his pockets and eyes focused on Felix.

 

“You know my name and I don’t know yours?” Mark gasped. “Talk about manners. No more cigarettes for you, buddy.”

 

Felix couldn’t help but break into laughter. Mark’s eyes shined brightly at the sight. That’s it, he noticed it now, the way Mark reflected each and every one of his expressions. Mark might not be doing it on purpose, but that was what made Felix feel comfortable and relaxed around him, the way he was so genuinely interested and caring.

 

“My bad, please don’t cigarette-ground me."

 

“I will if you don’t do this right. Come on, stand up!” Mark incited, motioning for Felix to rise to his feet.

 

Felix didn’t hesitate to do as told. He pushed himself off the ground and stood curiously in front of Mark. Mark was an inch or two taller than him and his body was so well-shaped that Felix felt like hiding his skinny arms in shame.

 

“I’m Mark Fischbach” he started. ”I’m twenty-two and I swear to god this sounded better in my head but now I’m mentally cringing so hard it hurts.”

 

Felix’s cheeks were painful from how much Mark was making him laugh. He extended his hand and held Mark’s offered one for a firm handshake.

 

“I’m Felix Kjellberg, also twenty-two. And I’m sorry, Mark, but I don’t see how two grown-ass men handshaking in an alleyway in the middle of the night could be anything but badass.”

 

“Hell” Mark gasped at the thought, “That actually _does_ sound badass. It’s like making a deal in the dark, that sort of thing.”

 

“Deal’s been made. Now give me your soul.” Felix whispered in a deep voice that was meant to sound threatening and creepy.

 

“Not today, Satan.” Mark replied, “But come back tomorrow, please. I might change my mind by then.”

 

Their hands lingered a tad too long in each other’s hold, and as they both shared a laugh, they released the grip and Mark was quick to reach for Felix’s shoulder to give it a kind pat. Felix noticed the shape of a tattoo up his sleeve, but he had little time to focus on the details before Mark was already removing his hand.

 

“It’s nice meeting you, Felix,” he said, a genuine smile crossing his lips. Felix felt his heart flutter. “Right. I should probably drag my anxious ass back there before my lovely band members start spamming my phone” Mark sighed, pushing his hands back deep into his pockets. Felix wondered if he was hiding his tattoo or if it was just another habit of his.  “Are you coming back inside?”

 

Felix’s eyes escaped towards the bar’s door visible from afar. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go back there now. His friends and maybe even Jack was waiting for him inside, but with Dustin in the back of his mind he wasn’t sure he’d be able to enjoy his time.

 

“I have work early tomorrow, so...” Felix explained.

 

“Good luck with that, man.” Mark nodded, then started taking slow backward steps, waving his hand at Felix. “I'll see you around, then!”

 

Felix hesitantly rose a hand to wave Mark back. He watched him take hasty steps towards the door and then soon he disappeared from sight.

 

Felix walked back home with a clear mind that night. Exhausted after a terribly long day, he fell asleep the moment his head touched the soft pillow.

 

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second half of this chapter is filled with cuteness, enjoy.

 

The weekend was uneventful. Felix spent the entirety of his Saturday at work, and Sunday he woke up determined to set order back into his apartment. After eight hours of work split between long breaks he finally managed to do it.

 

He had Dustin’s number on the blacklist since Friday night, and had received a couple messages notifying him of the person’s attempt to reach him every now and then, but Felix made a decision to not pay it any mind. He couldn’t allow a simple call to ruin his day.

 

Monday came by in the blink of an eye, and Felix was back at the shop working the first shift until the afternoon. At noon, Dave came by and insisted the Swede should take early leave. He apparently felt bad for having him cover for Amy’s shift three times in a row last week. Felix didn’t really mind, but he was excited at the idea of having nearly an entire day left for himself.

 

Back in the staff room Felix was in the middle of retrieving his jacket when he received a call from Amy.

 

“Hi, Felix!” Amy’s cheerful voice announced from the other side of the line. “Are you still at the shop?”

 

“Yeah, but Dave just took over. He said I could leave early for the day. Isn’t that great?”

 

“How nice, I’m so jealous!” She chuckled. “Hey, Felix, can you please do me a favor? I think I forgot my wallet at work. If you look inside my locker you’ll find my work bag. Can you check it for me?”

 

“Hold on”

 

Felix eyed the metallic locker next to his. Since they were only three staff members working at the shop, they didn’t really need to lock them up. Amy’s locker appeared closed but Felix only had to twist the handle for it to swing open. Although she was mature for her age, Amy’s pink bubble gum hair and careless attitude had her mistaken for a teenager more than once. Felix wasn’t surprised to see the same pattern in her locker. The glittery stickers and numerous pictures hanging on the inner walls reminded him Felix of high school.

 

He went through the bag Amy mentioned, and on the back pocket he landed a hand on an old black wallet. Now this piece didn’t look anything like Amy, but Felix was positive he got the right item.

 

“I found it” Felix announced, bringing the phone back to his ear.

 

“Thank god!” Amy gave out a loud sigh of relief. “I almost had a heart-attack this morning when I couldn’t find it in my bag. I can’t believe I was clumsy enough to have left it at the shop the entire weekend."

 

“Are you in college right now?” Felix asked. “I’m done with work. I could drop by shortly to bring it over if you want.”

 

“You’d do that?” Amy gasped in surprise. “Oh my god Felix, you’re the best! I owe you one!”

 

Felix smiled, it wasn’t like he minded after all. Amy was a good friend and he found joy in helping her out.

 

“You know where my college is, right?” She asked, making sure.

 

“Yeah, I’ll call you when I’m there”

 

After Amy thanked him repeatedly then promised to buy him lunch later the call ended. Felix put the wallet inside his backpack and closed Amy's locker before he headed out of the shop, waving Dave goodbye on his way out.

 

The weather outside was warm for the month of November. The blue sky was clear and the sun shined bright above announcing midday. Felix’s mood was lifted and he was soon enjoying the walk around town.

 

He took a good thirty minutes to arrive to destination, and Felix knew it would’ve taken less had he not such a terrible sense of orientation. Once the building rose at the end of the street Felix decided to text Amy his arrival.

 

Arriving at the front entrance Felix was visited by a nostalgic feeling dating from his college days back in Sweden. His memory briefly reminisced of his second year early November which marked his first meeting with Dustin. Dustin had just moved into the dorms as an exchange student and had no knowledge of Swedish at all. It was a random meeting at a Math lecture that brought the two together and since then, they've been inseparable.

 

The architecture of the building was rather fascinating, and Felix was lost contemplating the structural designs when Amy’s voice reaching his ear brought his attention back to the ground.

 

“Felix, hey!”

 

Amy’s bright face emerged in the middle of the sea of students. It was the first time Felix got to see her in a dress, although it was black and gave her less of a feminine touch and more of a Gothic look. But with the contrast of her pretty pink hair it made a couple heads turn as she walked her way towards where Felix was standing.

 

“Here you go” Felix was first to report, pulling the black wallet out of his back pocket and handing it over to its owner.

 

“Thank you so much!” She nearly cried in happiness at the sight of it. Felix was left smiling when she hugged him with joy. That wallet must really mean a lot to her.

 

“Lunch on me! Come on, I’m starving!” She then declared, pulling Felix by the sleeve of his light pink sweater and lugging him through the corridors.

 

The rest of their friends were waiting for them in the canteen. Emma and Brad stood in line at the buffet and at their sight, the two began waving their way.

 

“Guys!” Emma happily called.

 

“Hey, dude” Brad greeted Felix, standing with his legs crossed and a tablet in hand. Felix didn’t notice he was taller than him until now. “You all right? You sort of freaked us out on Friday.”

 

“I told you he was fine” Amy replied instead, standing with her arm around Felix’s. “He just had to leave because of work, right?”

 

“Yeah, sorry, I should’ve at least said bye” Felix apologized. The story was far from what he had told Amy, but at least that was the version Felix preferred the others to know.

 

“All right. I’m getting myself the potato fries and chicken wings” Amy was quick to switch the conversation. “Felix, you pick whatever you like, okay? I’m paying.”

 

“You really don’t have to, Amy.”

 

“A promise is a promise.” She insisted with a happy smile.

 

“Can I get free potato fries too?” Brad jumped on the occasion.

 

“Get them yourself, Brad. You're not a charity case.” She spat, turning her back on him.

 

“Serves you right, Brad.” Emma giggled.

 

With an empty stomach everything in the buffet looked delicious and tempting. There were two main menus and several side dishes available. Felix ended up picking the roasted chicken and gravy menu with a side of curly fried fries. Amy insisted he needed to choose a dessert too, so he randomly went for the fancy-looking chocolate muffin with colorful sprinkles on top that had Amy’s mouth water.

 

“Dammit, I wanna try that!” She cried, looking down at her full tray where nothing else could possibly fit. “Can I get a bite later?”

 

“Of course you can”

 

“You’re the best, Felix, you know that?” Amy giggled. 

 

Emma and Brad were first to walk back to the table where Michael was waiting. Meanwhile, Amy and Felix were still standing on the line waiting for their turn to pay for their meals. It was lunch time and the cafeteria was crowded with students at this point. Felix recognized the familiar group who just walked in through the backdoor. Two tall guys and girl: Tyler, Ethan and Pam, the loud customers from last week.

 

Pam had changed her hair color, now her short locks flashed a bright red that reminded Felix of Mark’s hair. He wondered if it was on purpose.

 

“You know them?” Amy asked, noticing he had been staring at the group for a while.

 

“They’re customers” Felix answered. “They came by the shop last week and were talking loudly about The Rock Killers so I assumed they must be fans.”

 

“The girl’s hair kinda looks like Mark’s. Is she trying to copy him?” Amy pointed out. Felix was glad he wasn’t the only one to think that.

 

They were soon moving in line and Amy fished the bills out of her wallet, happily paying for the two of them, then they regained their seats next to the rest of the group.

 

“Hi, Felix” said Michael, leaning down over his backpack on the table. He looked tired.

 

“Hey, Michael. Are you okay?”

 

"I had to pull an all-nighter on a Law project. I'm fine, though." He smiled.

 

Right, that was part of what being in college was like, and Felix most certainly did not miss that.

 

“Say, Brad” asked Amy as soon as she sat herself between Michael and Emma, laying her tray in front of her. “Do you know any of the guys who just walked in?”

 

Brad dragged his nose up from his tablet and eyed the group of three who were now seating themselves right across from their table.

 

“You mean Tyler’s band?”

 

“Whose band?” Emma asked, curious.

 

“They’re not very well-known” Brad explained. “They’re called the  _Three Sick Sons,_ and they’re an indie metal band. They have some great tracks, too.” Brad seemed in the middle of typing down into his tablet’s search engine. He found a particular track, apparently Brad’s favorite, then clicked on it for the rest of them to hear. To everyone’s surprise, the music blasted loudly in the dining hall, catching even the attention of the people in question. Brad felt so embarrassed he immediately turned it off.

 

“Fuck me” He mumbled, blaming his clumsiness. “Think they heard that?”

 

Emma was bursting out into a laugh.

 

“You bet they did. Look, they’re coming over.”

 

Felix raised his eyes at the group of three who walked their way, trays in hand. They joined them at their table, Pam’s grin wide on her face as if she had just received the best compliment of the day.

 

“I see you’re a fan of the song  _Repulsion*_ ” She mentioned with a wink. “Good taste, man.” 

 

“Well, I mean, it’s a sick jam” Brad mumbled. “The beat is cool and the singing voice is awesome.”

 

“Thanks dude!” Pam snickered, turning towards Tyler to nudge his side. “See? People _do_ recognize us, after all.”

 

“Yeah, one in a million” Tyler huffed, seemingly uninterested. 

 

“Do you guys listen to our music?” Ethan wondered with wide eyes, he seemed just as excited as Pam.

 

“ _He_ does” Emma corrected, pointing at Brad.

 

“See? One in five” Pam corrected, talking to Tyler. “Cheer up, we’re finally making an impression. Don’t ruin it with your grumpy mood!”

 

“Felix, do I get that muffin bite now?” Amy asked with begging eyes.

 

“You can have it, I’m full” Felix, who sat himself at the head of the table, pushed the muffin plate in the middle at Amy’s reach. His chicken and gravy were certainly enough for the rest of the day.

 

“Wait, I know you” Pam said, suddenly pointing at Felix. “You’re the weird guy from the game shop”

 

Felix’s eyes quickly lifted up from his tray. He wasn’t comfortable being pointed at that way, nor did he like being called weird by strangers.

 

“Pamela, manners!” Ethan prompted, frowning at his friend. “Please don't mind her, she can be so oblivious at times. I hope we’re not bothering you guys or anything. It’s just that it’s rare to meet people who listen to our music and enjoy it, so what we truly want to say is that we’re happy to see that you guys appreciate our hard work.”

 

Out of the three, Felix found Ethan to be the most mature. Tyler was ignoring them and Pam’s rude comment left Felix feeling uneasy. Did he really look weird working at the shop?

 

“Why aren’t you guys getting more recognition?” Amy asked with interest, she had shoved her tray away in favor of her muffin plate. “Have you thought about recording a debut album?”

 

“We already have.” Tyler’s answer was almost immediate. Everyone was rather surprised to see him talk. “It’s not that easy. You have to invest both time and money. We’re all college students who live on their own, so yeah, unlike what you might think, making music isn't a walk in the park.”

 

Amy frowned. She didn’t like his tone.

 

“Mark from the Rock Killers is a student too” she then spat bitterly in defense, eyeing her muffin with almost lost appetite, “And PJ and Jack definitely have some work on the side, but they’re still rocking it out there. Point is, there’s nothing impossible if you put enough hard work into it.”

 

Mark was a student? Felix had to make a mental note to ask Amy about it later.

 

“Don’t compare us to _them_ ” Tyler muttered, his eyes rising with a glare.

 

“Calm down, Tyler!” Ethan incited. “She’s right. The Rock Killers _are_ in fact real hard workers, but there’s also the fact that their skills are way amazing compared to us. We just have to admit that some people have more talent than others. Of course we will eventually make it, but it might take us a bit longer, that’s all. We just have to keep trying, right, Pam?”

 

Pamela nodded eagerly.

 

“You said it, Ethan!”

 

“Whatever” Tyler spat. He didn’t seem to like the course of the conversation and he was soon grabbing his backpack and storming out of the cafeteria.

 

“Tyler!” Pamela cried out.

 

“Just leave him” Ethan sighed. “Sorry guys, our friend can be a bit on edge when it comes to our band. He didn’t mean to be rude or anything. I’m sure he’s still happy to know you’ve listened to that track. He’s the one who wrote the lyrics down for _Repulsion_ , you know!”

 

“Seriously?” Brad’s eyebrows rose in amazement. “He’s _good_.”

 

“Right?” Ethan agreed.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t catch your names yet” he continued. “I’m Ethan, this is Pamela, and the grumpy guy who just left is Tyler.”

 

“Brad” He said pointing at himself. “Amy, Emma, Michael and Felix.” He continued, introducing the rest of his friends.

 

“Nice to meet you, all!” Pam added with an excited grin.

 

Amy seemed less angry after Tyler had left, and she finally got around enjoying her muffin and a nice conversation with Pam about her hair color. Pam did dye it to fit Mark’s, and when she told Amy how much she respected him and that Mark was one of her idols, Felix could swear the two became instant best friends. Meanwhile, Ethan was in the middle of showing Brad the link to their new website where all of their new tracks were made available, and Emma and Michael were nodding in approval when Brad decided to play the Repulsion track again, and this time he was eager to let his new friends know how much he loved it.

 

And just like that, the lunch hour flew by and everyone went back to their classes. Except Felix who was left alone in the hallways after he walked Amy to her lecture hall and said goodbye.

 

 

**…**

 

 

Felix still had the rest of his afternoon free and he was wondering what he could possibly do with all the free time. He ended up returning to the game shop to look through the new PC games and maybe buy something. Dave nearly scolded him for his return and made Felix promise to go home and rest right after. It was funny how strict of a man he could be when it comes to his co-worker’s well-being.

 

The shop was quiet at that time of the day. Felix was skimming through a Manga book in the comics section when the door of the shop opened and a customer walked in.

 

“Welcome!” announced Dave’s voice at the counter, and Felix heard Jack return the greeting.

 

Felix was so surprised by the guy’s sudden appearance he found himself unintentionally hiding behind the bookshelves. Since Friday, he had been waiting for his visit in order to apologize, but he didn’t expect it to be so soon.

 

“A Monster energy please” He heard Jack order in the front. His familiar sweet voice made Felix’s heartbeat unexpectedly quicken. 

 

Jack was yet again dressed in all-black today, a sweater, skinny jeans and boots. Felix found himself staring at his hips a tad too long.

 

“Felix, do we still have any Monster Zero Ultra downstairs?” Dave’s voice called from the counter, and cursing under his breath, Felix revealed himself from behind the bookshelves.

 

“I don’t know, Dave. I can check” He replied, then tried to nonchalantly wave a hand at the Irish, pretending he hasn’t seen him there. “Oh, hi Jack”

 

“Felix, hey, I didn’t see you there!” Jack beamed and Felix felt himself flush. Jack smiling was the most adorable thing he's ever seen.

 

“You boys are friends?” Dave asked with interest.

 

“Y-yeah” Felix found himself stuttering, unsure if Jack would find it weird to call him a friend after the few meetings they’ve had, but to his surprise the Irish was happily nodding in agreement.

 

“Great! Then how about you do this old man a favor? I need you two to go to the basement and bring me four twelve-packs of Monster drinks. We’ve run out of those up here, and my back has given up on me five years ago. Can you do that?”

 

Felix’s eyes went to Jack, the Irish was already nodding at Dave’s request. The two walked downstairs to the basement and Felix flicked the lights on for them to be able to see. The lack of lighting and fresh air in the tiny cramped space made Felix slightly claustrophobic. The walls were hidden behind mountains of boxes and sheathed packages. There were old and new figurines, books and CDs, and at the far end of the room an entire shelve full of water, coke and a great amount of energy drinks. 

 

“Secret basement full of energy drinks and band merch” Jack started, eyes shining with thrill. “Is this heaven?”

 

Felix was still standing by the stairs, his heartbeat was so loud he had to keep himself at bay in fear of having Jack notice. Over their past meetings he had grown so self-conscious of the Irish he could hardly believe he was in fact developing a crush. That was bad news for Felix, since the last time he had a crush on someone it ended up terribly bad.

 

“Felix?” Jack called and Felix focused back on his figure. “Can you give me a hand?”

 

Jack was in the middle of moving the dozen water bottle packs aside to reach the energy drinks at the bottom of the pile. Felix didn’t hesitate to help, and within minutes they were done balancing the piles on each side of the room without fear of having them fall back on them. Felix was looking up at the upper shelves, trying to find a free spot where he could put the last water pack he was carrying. He felt soft skin brush against his fingers and looking back down, he saw Jack in front of him with his hands pressed against his, trying to heave the pack away from him.

 

“I got this” He winked.

 

Felix’s face turned a bright shade of red, but Jack was already reaching up to fit the last pack on the upper shelf to notice anything.

 

They were done in under fifteen minutes. And once each of them picked up two packs of twelve Monster drinks and started heading back upstairs, Jack asked the most unexpected question that nearly had Felix, who was two steps ahead of him, lose his balance.

 

“So, uh, do you have a girlfriend?”

 

Felix was caught by surprise that he was forced to blurt out the first thing that came to his mind.

 

“Not yet”

 

What does he mean by ‘Not yet’? What did he say that for? Felix was mentally slapping himself for screwing up this badly.

 

“Oh” Jack’s expressed surprise reached Felix’s ear from behind as they stepped back onto the first floor. “Is it that co-worker of yours?” he added “The pink-haired one? She said some nice stuff about you last time. I think you guys would make a cute couple.”

 

Felix had to stop himself in the middle of the shop aisle and turn around to take a good look at Jack. He wasn’t surprised to see a polite yet far from genuine smile forming on his face. His enthusiasm from earlier had died, and he looked rather discouraged.

 

“I’m gay”

 

Felix blurted out the second most stupid thing of the day, but god did it feel good to finally let that one out.

 

“Amy’s just a friend” He continued, finding himself in need to elaborate at the sight of Jack’s shocked yet uplifted expression.

 

“Me too!” Jack quickly shouted before Felix could turn his back on him and pretend this conversation never happened. “I’m- I’m gay too.”

 

There was a brief silence.

 

“I’m sorry I asked that stupid question” Jack bashfully apologized, his tingly eyes falling towards his energy drink pack.

 

He was blushing, and Felix wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do or say at a moment like this. If he wasn’t feeling so disgustingly happy right now he would be calling it a panic attack, but of course he knew it was far from that, Felix was just crushing, and he was crushing real hard for Jack.

 

“You boys are back!” announced Dave who accidentally walked by their aisle. “Just put them on the counter, I’ll do the rest myself.”

 

Felix didn’t want to discover what kind of face he was making right about now. He hastily walked to the counter and dropped the two packs down with a loud thud. He would die of shame if Dave had heard their conversation, but apparently he didn’t, or at least he didn’t bring it up. The two received two free Monster drinks for their effort and were soon exiting the shop together.

 

“Hey I have an idea,” Jack brought up, halting to make eye contact with Felix who was downing his energy drink like water. “Are you free right now? Have you ever been to a band practice before?”

 

With a full mouth and a surprised expression, Felix deliberately shook his head in response.

 

“All right, hear this!” Jack announced with enthusiasm. “I’m supposed to be meeting the guys at Mark’s place later. If you want, you could tag along. We don’t usually get the chance to hear an honest opinion outside the band, and since we’re struggling in the middle of this one track, we could really do with one right now. What do you say? You’re in?”

 

Felix wasn’t given much of a chance. Jack’s soft expression and kind features were mesmerizing the Swede who found himself promptly nodding with a “Sure”, entirely oblivious to the consequences of his action.

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hela - Repulsion :  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELDJk_8cYx8


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

There was little Felix knew about Jack besides his being a cute gay Irish boy who also happens to be a talented drummer for one of the best bands in town. However, that started to change after they decided to drop by Jack’s place to pick up PJ and Jack's drum set on their way.

 

Jack's apartment was five blocks away from the game shop. He lived with PJ, his roommate since high school. When Felix asked about his parents, Jack mentioned something about them moving to the city when he was eighteen, but didn't seem eager to go into further details, so Felix didn't push it. Jack also worked part-time at an auto repair shop and he seemed to enjoy anything car-related. 

 

While waiting for PJ to finish his shower, Jack invited Felix to have a look around. The flat was bigger than his, but perfect for two grown men. The living room was clean, had two couches and a big TV, nothing exceptional. Jack’s room, however, was something entirely different.

 

“Sorry about the mess” Jack announced while pushing the door of his room open and inviting the Swede in. “I'll go pack my drum kit in the van. Go ahead and take a sit, I'll be right back." 

 

Felix nodded, and soon he was left alone in Jack's room.

 

Felix didn't enjoy his own mess, but seeing other people's unorganized spaces never bothered him. In fact, he thought Jack's room suited his character perfectly. Moreover, it was charming in its own way.

The thick black curtains cloaked the only window in the room, forcing Felix to squint his eyes in order to adjust to the dim light setting. His eyes were easily drawn towards the metal and rock band posters covering the walls. There was even that one poster of The Rock Killers Felix recognized hanging on the wall right atop Jack's bed. The bed in question occupied the right corner of the room, with black bed sheets and pillows, and across from it stood Jack’s wardrobe, left wide open. Felix couldn't spot a single piece of colorful clothing in the middle of the sea of darkness.

 

Felix's favorite part of the room was the corner where Jack had his professional drum set installed. With curious fingers, he explored the tom drums, feeling that cold metallic edge that had his fingers ache for a try. He tapped the surface of the drum and was surprised to hear an unimpressive echoless thud in response. He wondered if he asked Jack nicely, would he agree on teaching him to play? Felix instantly shook the idea off his head, there was no way Jack would want to invest that much time on him.

 

“Jack”

 

The voice startled Felix who was standing right across from the door in the middle of testing the rest of the drum parts. Looking behind, he caught sight of a tall blue-haired man peeking inside the room. It was PJ.

 

“Where’s Jack?” PJ asked, eyeing Felix with squinted eyes. Felix thought he could hardly see him.

 

“He’s loading the drum kit downstairs” Felix replied.

 

“Right” PJ nodded, adjusted eyes now fixing Felix. He was examining his features. “So, who are you? Felix, was it? You're from work or something? It’s rare seeing Jack bring people over."

 

“Uh,” Felix had no idea where he could begin with his story with Jack, so he settled for the easiest explanation. "We met at the game shop"

 

"Oh, the one five blocks down the street, right?" PJ mentioned. "You work there or something? You guys hang out?"

 

"Y-Yeah," he replied. "And I guess...?" 

 

Felix felt uncomfortable standing there and awkwardly getting interrogated by someone he barely knew. Luckily, soon enough Jack was returning back upstairs to save him from the rest of the conversation. 

 

“PJ!” Jack spat in a surprisingly unfriendly tone. “Told you not to go in my room when I’m not around!”

 

“Dude, I’m not even  _in_ your room. I’m still technically standing in the living room, see?” PJ defensively pointed at his feet. He then took a step backward to let Jack pass through. “I'm just being nice and hospitable. I'm saying hi to your new _boyfriend_.”

 

Felix’s face flushed red at that statement.

 

“Jesus, PJ, just shut the fuck up and go get your ass dressed” Jack was shoving the tall guy out of his room and PJ was laughing. He could hear his laugh echo in the living room until it got muffled by the door to his own room shutting behind him, then Jack returned.

 

“Sorry about that” He shyly apologized, a hand nervously rubbing the piercings on his reddened left ear. “He can be really nosy sometimes.”

 

It looks like PJ's mention of 'boyfriend' ruined the Irish's composure. 

 

“Amy’s sort of the same” Felix grinned, deciding to ease away from the topic.

 

“She is?” Jack played along. 

 

“Yeah she…”

Felix was briefly distracted when Jack walked across the room to get to the wardrobe. He watched him search through the clothes and fish out a new shirt. When he started stripping out of his black sweater Felix instantly looked away. Right, Amy.

 

“Yeah, so, uh, Amy wouldn’t stop asking me to introduce you two ever since she’s seen us together at the bar last Friday. She almost murdered me for not doing it right away.”

 

Jack’s laugh was sweet but Felix couldn't see it. The shuffling and rattling of fabric was evidence he was in the middle of stripping out of his pants. Felix had a hard time trying _not_ to imagine the Irish in boxers.

 

“She sounds awesome!” He declared “You should definitely introduce us properly next time.”

 

There was a loud thud and Felix glanced back to catch Jack slamming the wardrobe’s door shut. He had in fact changed into a new pair of jeans, and just the thought that Jack casually stripped naked and changed into a new set clothes with Felix in the same room had his cheeks heat up.

 

“Jaaack, Mark’s calling!” shouted PJ from the living room.

 

“Tell him we’re almost there!” yelled Jack back. “All right, we should get going. Mark doesn’t like it when we’re late.”

 

Jack hurriedly fit into his wool jacket and picked his backpack and a pair of black boots along. Felix followed him out into the living room where he squatted down and began lacing his shoes. PJ was waiting by the door with his phone in hand, typing down a text message. He had changed into a striped blue flannel and a pair of jeans. His hair was dry and messy, but incredibly fitting to his general appearance. He was also carrying his bass case in the back. 

 

“And sent” PJ informed, shoving his phone back into his pocket. “Am I driving?”

 

“Fuck off, you’re not” Jack threw one of his boots at him. “You drove last time. It’s my turn.”

 

“Dammit” PJ chuckled. He seemed to enjoy teasing Jack.

 

Once ready, the three men walked downstairs and climbed into the front-parked black van. Jack occupied the driver’s seat and Felix the passenger one next to him. PJ fitted himself in the back where there was enough space for him to unsheathe his instrument and start tuning it.

 

The ride to Mark’s place lasted a good twenty minutes. Felix thought they were driving out of town when they entered a neighborhood he wasn’t familiar with. As they drove in, the houses grew larger in shape and so did the distance between each property.

 

They arrived at an open entrance gate and took a turn. Up on the hanging metallic shield Felix was able to read  _‘Fischbach Property’_. The van drove past the open gate and through a wild area that had him think they got lost in the woods, if it wasn't for the mansion soon rising to sight behind the trees and bushes.

 

It was a three-storey modern house with so many windows Felix lost count of the number. The front yard was open onto the woods with a freshly mowed lawn. There was a garden with blooming flowers and flourishing vegetation, proof it was regularly tended to.

 

Jack knocked on the windshield and motioned for Felix to climb out. He realized he must have been sitting in the car for an entire minute just staring at Mark Fischbach’s _freaking_ gigantic house.

 

Felix wanted to ask Jack what Mark’s parents did for a living but he and PJ were already storming through the front door which was apparently left open. Shyly following the two, Felix trotted over the doorstep and into the spacious household.

 

Across from the door were stairs that lead to the second and third floors, underneath those stretched a dark hallway Felix couldn’t see the end of. To his right the space opened into a large living room, and Felix could swear it was at least twice the size of his apartment.

 

“Beer, anyone?” PJ asked, casually walking out of the kitchen with a six-pack.

 

“Dude, practice now, drink later” Jack reminded.

 

“Just one beer, come on!” PJ insisted, opening his first bottle and throwing himself on the couch.

 

“You can go ahead and drink if you want, Felix.” Jack added with a smile, looking his way. “There’s also more drinks and food in the fridge. Mark is chill about having people around so go ahead and make yourself home.”

 

“Mark’s parents aren’t home?” Felix asked out of curiosity, watching Jack turn to his drum boxes and start unloading the parts.

 

“They’re overseas most of the time” Jack explained. “Most kids would be happy to have this huge of a house all to themselves, you know, partying and all, but Mark’s not really into that. He just likes having friends around.”

 

On their last meeting, Mark did mention having social anxiety, so it only made sense that he wasn’t a fan of home-parties. Talking about Mark, Felix hasn’t seen the guy anywhere.

 

“Maaaark!” PJ’s sudden call startled Felix. 

 

“He must be in the shower” Jack guessed, he was now in the middle of building the drum kit in the living room area. It was an unusual place to be having a band practice in, but Felix quickly argued that it was amply spacious and there were no existing neighbors around to complain in case it gets loud.

 

He decided to take his time walking around the area. The atmosphere inside the house was soothingly warm despite the lack of family pictures and the unusually generous amount of bookshelves that stood on almost every wall. The lighting was comforting and Felix took a liking to the colorful landscape paintings hanging here and there. He didn't trust himself to touch anything though, not when one tiny piece could be worth his yearly salary in case of inflicted damage.

 

He decided to walk from the living room to the professionally equipped kitchen for a glass of water. Felix couldn’t believe he was, and for the first time in his life, visiting a rich person’s house.

 

“Jesus Christ PJ”, announced a familiar voice in the living room. “I could hear you all the way from the third floor.”

 

Felix abruptly turned towards the kitchen door. Peeking slightly in, he was able to catch sight of Mark who had just walked in the living room with damp hair and a towel around the neck. Fresh out of a shower, he wore a sleeveless white shirt and a black pair of loose sweatpants. His prominent muscles and well-shaped body had Felix stare a bit too long.

 

“Hey Mark” Jack greeted.

 

“You’ve got to admit I have the potential to becoming a lead singer. I hit all those high notes, you see,” PJ rose his beer bottle in excitement. “Beer?”

 

“Not even close. And you know the rule, PJ” Mark sighed, shoulder leaning against the living room door and hands gripping on each side of the neck towel. “No drinking before practice. But do you ever listen?”

 

Felix cleared his throat and walked out of his hiding to announce his presence.

 

“Oh, right” Jack resumed with a grin at the sight of Felix. “Mark, this is the guy I told you about-“

 

“Felix?!” Mark exclaimed.

 

Felix saw Mark's expression switch from shocked to delighted in a second, and then he was bursting into laughter so loud it had PJ and Jack share a confused stare.

 

“You guys know each other?” Jack asked with a confused frown.

 

“Of course we know each other!” Mark stated with a proud grin. “We're alleyway buddies. Right, Felix?”

 

Felix was wearing the most ridiculous grin on his face. He could barely remember the last time someone looked so happy in his presence.

 

“Yeah" Felix agreed. "We met outside the bar last week.” He then explained, eyes resting on a confused yet curious Jack.

 

"Sitcom, anyone?" PJ laughed. 

 

“It sure as hell feels like we're in one right now” Jack admitted with a chuckle.

 

“Well, since that wraps up the introduction part" Mark added. "Should we get started?”

 

“Roger that” Jack nodded.

 

“Yeah!" PJ dropped the beer on the table then pushed himself off the couch.

 

The three reunited in the middle of the spacious living room. Jack had finished building his drum kit -which was much smaller in comparison to the drum set installment in his room - and sat himself on a stool. Mark plugged in the microphone and grabbed his electric guitar, and PJ stood ready with his bass in hand.

 

“Which track are we practicing today?” PJ asked. 

 

“We could pick up where we left last time,” Jack suggested, turning to Mark.  “What do you say?”

 

“Well, I think since Felix’s here tonight” Mark started, lacing the guitar strap over his shoulder. “We could give him a taste of the new upcoming album track. You’re in, Felix?”

 

“Fuck yeah!” He found himself breathlessly shouting. Eyes wide with excitement, he felt incredibly honored to be given the chance to hear The Rock Killers’ newest track before it was out to the public.

 

“Someone’s excited” Jack sneered, clicking the drumsticks to introduce the background suspense for the upcoming track. “Here we go!”

 

And so it began.

 

PJ’s slow bass intro echoed around the room for a good thirty seconds and not once in his life had Felix thought about the magnificence of the bass instrument until now. The way it sent shivers down his spine and had him crawl to the edge of the couch, Felix' expectation of what was yet to come was already exceeded and the song has barely even started. His attention was too seized by PJ’s fingertips skilfully moving over the strings he failed to notice Mark’s eyes on him.

 

When he held the eye-contact, Mark’s expression softened. It was as if he still couldn’t believe Felix was sitting right there on his couch, in his living room, in his house. His slender fingers slithered around the neck of the microphone stand, and he brought his lips closer to the pop filter.

 

“Felix Kjellberg” His voice called out in that smooth, deep tone, that made Felix’s arm hair stand. “Are you ready to have your mind blown by the beauty of Rock n Roll? Here’s _Home_ *.”

 

Something indescribable moved in Felix at that moment. It could've been the intensity of PJ’s bass resonance, or Jack’s powerful drum beat that broke out at that exact time or perhaps even Mark’s strong voice that held that fierce depth underneath which Felix felt bare, exposed. There was a glitch in time and space, a loop of splendor, because after that one song he went on to lose complete touch with reality for the rest of the practice. The band members exchanged very few words in between, and within the next two hours they have done nothing but blow Felix’s mind.

 

Once the living room resumed its previous state of quiet, Felix remembered to breathe.

 

“Swimming break, boys?” suggested Mark while stretching his left arm which has gone slightly numb after the long session.

 

“I’m in” PJ stated and Jack easily shrugged. Then all of their eyes went to Felix.

 

“You have a pool?” He blurted out absurdly. Of course Mark had a pool, why did he even bother asking? Considering the size of his gigantic house, even a sauna wouldn’t be surprising.

 

“Awesome right?” PJ grinned. “It’s huge and has a heating system included. Just wait until you try it, you’ll never go swimming elsewhere again.”

 

Mark laughed. 

 

“Don’t oversell it, PJ. It’s just a pool” He said with modesty “But first I’m taking a bathroom break, so I’ll meet you all in the back in ten.”

 

They all agreed and then PJ went scavenging for food in the kitchen once Mark left to the bathroom, leaving Jack and Felix alone in the living room.

 

“So, Felix” Jack initiated. “How was it? Your first band practice experience.”

 

Felix had given up on trying to find the appropriate words to convey his experience by now, so he took a deep breath, exhaled then shook his head in disbelief.

 

“I have no idea how to put it into words” he confessed.

 

“ _That’s_ what I like to hear” Jack approved with pride. He had left his stool and joined Felix on the couch.

 

“Seriously,” Felix continued with ardor, “I’m mind-blown. It was amazing, especially that third track, what was it called again?”

 

“ _Oak_ **?”

 

“Yeah, that one! It’s my favorite!”

 

A shy smile stretched over Jack’s lips.

 

“I wrote that one” he confessed.

 

“Wait, really?” Felix gasped “Holy shit, Jack, you’re amazing!”

 

There was a distinct blush on his cheeks and then Jack was enthusiastically rising back to his feet.

 

“Wanna go in first?” He winked, pointing towards the back of the house where the pool was located. “PJ wasn't lying, it _is_ incredible.”

 

Felix’s interest rose and he was soon tailing Jack through the hallway across the entrance door. There were no sounds to register other than that of swift feet trotting over the wooden board and excited breathing. Jack opened the sliding glass door and the two men stepped out into the back patio. There were couches on the veranda, a table, and even a wooden bench swing. The poolside was illuminated by outdoor lanterns encircling it, and far ahead the backyard extended beyond view.

 

“Fancy, isn’t it?” Jack accurately worded out Felix’s thought. “Get this, whoever gets in first, wins!”

 

Jack used Felix’s distraction to start stripping out of his clothes all while taking big bouncy steps towards the pool. Felix reacted by cursing and following up to him.

 

The night sky was an ink blue, and the half-moon shined brightly in the sea of stars. There were constellations up there Felix had never seen before. Mark’s speech about the beauty of the suburbs made a whole lot more sense under the living proof of his backyard sky, and Felix was mesmerized.

 

“You’re coming in or do I have to make you?”

 

Felix was standing by the poolside. Jack had already stripped down to his boxers and flung himself into the pool, now waiting for the Swede to join.

 

The evaporated water that brushed against his feet felt pleasantly warm so Felix began reducing his layers of clothing down to his boxers. The chill of the night was inescapable so he took that last step forward, allowing gravity to do its job and embracing the warmth of the water flow.

 

“That’s my boy!” Jack cheered, laughing at Felix’s damp blond hair that covered half of his face once he resurfaced. “See? Incredible, I tell you!”

 

“Fuck, I think I was too excited I sprained my little toe” Felix complained and Jack just laughed at his misfortune.

 

“I got an idea” Jack shouted from the far side of the pool to where he hastily swam.

 

“What is it?” He asked.

 

“A game” Jack revealed. “We get to ask each other five questions. The more we learn, the more we swim. Easy, right?”

 

“That’s not a game” Felix sneered. “That’s just you trying to interrogate me”

 

“Shut up, smartass” Jack bashfully spat. “It’s not my problem you’re playing it Mr. I’m-So-Mysterious-You-Can’t-Guess-My-Backstory. I’m at least trying to get you to talk, dammit!”

 

Felix laughed genuinely at that. He was, in fact, too calm and reserved around new people, it was just how he was. But now that he’s warmed up to Jack, Mark and the others, he felt he could easily lower his defense.

 

“Fine, I’ll play” He gave in, starting to take laps and enjoying the relaxing temperature of the water pool.

 

“Good! I’ll go first” Jack declared, “Mark called you Kjellberg, so I guess that’s your last name. But what’s your middle name?”

 

“Do we really have to do this?” Felix mumbled embarrassingly.

 

“You’re getting embarrassed and we’re not even at the dirty stuff yet? Oh boy!”

 

“Shut up” Felix briefly hid half his face underwater, then rose back up to mutter the answer. “Arvid Ulf”

 

“Nice! Two’s better than one” Jack giggled rather childishly. Felix didn't want to ask what he was _really_ laughing about.

 

“What’s yours?” Felix asked, Jack began slowly swimming around him.

 

“William” he casually replied. “Dude, that was easy. I’m spicing it up a bit. First girlfriend slash boyfriend?”

 

Felix stopped joyfully playing around the water when he heard Jack’s next question. Talking about his ex-boyfriend was bound to happen eventually. It was just a matter of time, after all. Felix just didn’t expect it to be brought up so early while he’s still unprepared.

 

Jack seemed to have noticed it was a touchy subject he opened up, and was planning an apology when Felix’s delayed answer finally came.

 

“Dustin” Felix sighed, deciding not to ruin the mood.

 

“Bad first love?” Jack guessed. He had stopped close by to give Felix his full attention. “I can relate.”

 

To his surprise, Felix was grinning.

 

“Is that a third question?” Felix said, “Because yes.”

 

“ _Dammit_!” Jack swung his arms in the water, dragging a good load to splash Felix with. “What a loser!”

 

Felix dodged the attack while laughing with all his heart. This has to be the first time he laughed after a conversation mentioning Dustin. It was about time, he thought, to finally move on from his past. That brief realization flickered a light in him, and with newly-found excitement, he swung a load of water right back at Jack and the two began splash fighting in the pool with laughter so loud it echoed through the silence of the night.

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Home - Red Mountains  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzlC8KbAzO4
> 
> **Oak - Red Mountains (This is also my favorite track of the band!)  
> https://redmountains.bandcamp.com/track/oak
> 
>  
> 
> ~If you're curious about Oak's lyrics, I have written them down and posted them on my tumblr:
> 
> http://skai6.tumblr.com/post/168828118071/the-ancient-silence-and-the-light-of-green


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Coming a bit late from me, but Merry Christmas to everyone and happy holidays! I hope you are having a lovely time with either friends or family. You deserve all the happiness in the world and especially in this festive season.
> 
> -Back to the story. I have received such great support and motivation through your comments and I would like to thank each and every one of you. You're all wonderful people and I am happy to be able to share my work with you.
> 
> I have been so indulged in writing this story to the point that I have found it oddly unsatisfying not being able to write much during the past two days that I've spent away. I am both mentally and emotionally involved in this work, and I'd just like to let it be known, that writing this helped me and is still helping me through difficult times. Being able to share it, as well as reading your experience upon reading it means the world to me. Thank you.
> 
> Now I'll quit rambling and let you get to reading the new chapter instead.
> 
> Enjoy!

 

 

The mood was truly relaxing in Mark’s backyard pool. He and PJ had joined Felix and Jack with a pack of beer and the four played like children in the water.

 

An hour later, Felix returned inside for a bathroom break. On his way back, he thought about checking his phone. There were five missed calls from Amy and a text message that said ‘Call me’. Frowning in worry, Felix hastily dialed her number and brought the phone to his ear.

 

“Hey, Amy-”

 

“Felix, _fucking_ finally” Amy’s voice interrupted. “I called you like five times, where were you?”

 

Felix hesitated to answer. How could he so plainly tell Amy he’s been hanging out in Mark’s backyard pool with the rest of the band like it’s nothing special? She would either not believe him or hate him for his guts.

 

“Whatever, anyway” Amy moved on faster than Felix could form an answer, her tone sounding impatient. “Do you have time right now? Can I come over?”

 

“Now?" He echoed, "Is everything okay?” 

 

“Yeah, I just feel like I need to rant right now” she exhaled, seemingly on edge. “It’s about Michael.”

 

“Did you guys fight?” Felix asked out of concern. He couldn’t imagine Michael being anything but nice to Amy.

 

“No, we’re fine. I just- I noticed something." She said.  "I’m not sure if I’m right or if I’m just reading too much into it, but- Dammit, can I just come over and tell you the entire story instead? Please?"

 

Felix raised his head. He was standing in the dark hallway which lead to the back veranda, and through the half-open glass door, his eyes held clear view of the pool. Mark and Jack were in the water, in the middle of what looked like a wrestling match, while PJ sat on the poolside with his third bottle in hand, laughing at the show.

 

“Sure, I’ll be home in half an hour” Felix answered through the phone, his glance falling back down on the dimly lit hallway floor.

 

“Thank you!” She sighed in pure relief. Felix felt some of the tension dissipate from her tone. “So, where are you anyway?”

 

“I, uh... Can I tell you once I’m there?”

 

“Do I smell gossip? Did you meet someone?” Amy pried with blooming curiosity.

 

That he had, Felix thought. Although he was unsure as to how she would react to hearing about his involvement with The Rock Killers band. Perhaps she would be excited? Or maybe upset, that he, the irrelevant awkward guy that he was, gets to hang out with such amazing people? Felix only prayed for the former outcome.

 

“All right, I won’t push" She decided instead. "But you’ll tell me all about it later, all right? Good. See you in thirty!”

 

The call came to an end before Felix could say goodbye. He eyed the time displayed on his phone screen, it was half past eight in the evening. Amy’s shift should’ve just ended by now, which means the girl had called him the moment she was done.

 

Part of Felix was now worried about Amy, and his mind soon went exploring the various scenarios of what could've possibly happened between her and Michael. As Felix knew him, the man was quieter and shyer than him. He also seemed to love and respect Amy more than anything. He simply couldn’t imagine him hurting her in any way. What could this be possibly about?

 

Time spent around Mark, Jack and PJ was beyond pleasant, but it was sadly coming to an end. Back on the veranda, Felix was retrieving his previously discarded clothes by the swinging bank to begin dressing himself up.

 

“You’re leaving?”

 

Eyes to the right, Felix watched Mark approach him. The man was fresh out of the pool, naked body still dripping, and Felix had to remind himself this wasn't the right moment to stare.

 

“Amy just called” He went on explaining, all while fitting his head into the tight neck hole of his pink sweater. “She wants to meet, so I have to head back."

 

“Amy?” Mark repeated.

 

“She's a friend of mine” Felix clarified.

 

“The one I've seen you in the company of at the bar,right? I know her” Mark revealed with a smile, hands resting over his hips. “She was a classmate of mine back in high school. A really nice girl. I liked her. Is everything okay with her, though?”

 

Felix was surprised yet glad to hear Mark remembered Amy. If she happens to be in a mood later, hearing about this would certainly cheer her up.

 

“She just wants to talk about something” Felix vaguely gave in, unsure whether he was allowed to go around divulging his friend’s secrets. “I’m sure it’s nothing major.”

 

“All right, just hang in there. I’ll quickly get changed then drive you home.”

 

 _‘You don’t have to’_ Felix wanted to say, but thinking about the difficulty of finding running buses at this late hour and being forced to spend two hours walking home had him instantly swallow his words.

 

“Thank you, Mark” He replied instead. Mark kindly reciprocated his smile, then he disappeared back inside the house.

 

“Felix, you’re leaving?” Jack’s high-pitched voice yelled from the poolside. He had just climbed out to grab a beer when he overheard his and Mark's conversation. “No fucking way!"

 

Felix was struggling to fit into his black skinny pants with damp legs when Jack approached him at a fast pace. 'There he comes', he thought, then Felix had to sit himself down on the couch and take it one leg at a time. 'Focus, Felix. As tempting as it was, do not let him talk you out of it.'

 

"Dude, it’s still early!” Jack went on, a displeased frown had formed itself on his forehead. Felix found him adorable even when mad. “Stay a bit longer. I promise to drive you home. Please?”

 

This must be some sort of torture he was forced to endure. How could he not feel tempted to extend his stay and ask to meet Amy tomorrow instead?

Yet of course Felix wouldn’t do that. He wasn’t that kind of friend.

 

“Sorry, Jack. I really have to go” He apologized politely, standing back on his feet once the pants were up to his waist. “I promise I’ll make it up to you next time”

 

“You better” A pouting Jack huffed. He was attempting to maintain a stern upset expression, but a smile was soon caressing his lips. “Dammit! I can’t get enough of you. You’re just so fun to be around.”

 

Felix’s cheeks colored at the compliment, and he found his eyes averting down to his bare feet. He wondered where he'd put his shoes. He was so overwhelmed by everything, he barely remembers such irrelevant details.

 

“It’s fun being around you guys as well,” He then embarrassingly mumbled, his eyes rising back up to meet Jack’s glimmering pair. “Thanks for inviting me over, Jack, and, _you know_ , for not being weird about _that_ thing.”

 

“What thing? _Oh_!” Jack echoed, eyes wide. “Dude, don’t tell me I’m the first person you actually came out to? Wait, are you for _real_?”

 

Felix nodded bashfully, hoping Jack wouldn't think much of it. The Irish was laughing instead.

 

“I got you, man, don’t worry about it.” He grinned kindly, rising a dry hand to pat Felix’s relaxed shoulder. “Look, you take it at your own pace, one step at a time. It can be a bit awkward in town, small population and all, but once you find the right people to be around, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Especially around young people, they’re totally _chill_. I mean, even PJ’s slightly gay. Oh and Mark’s definitely-!”

 

“Mark’s definitely _what_ now?”

 

The two boys turned their heads towards the glass door. There, Mark was announcing himself under a different light. He wore a crimson shirt underneath a biker jacket, a pair of leather pants and thick high boots. His hair was dry and his glasses were back on. Again, he looked utterly stunning.

 

“Nothing” Jack mischievously snickered, rising Mark’s suspicion. “Looking good, by the way. Are you taking the bike out for a ride?”

 

“Felix deserves the full experience” Mark affirmed, winking towards the timid Swede. “You’re ready?”

 

“Oh, wait” Jack prompted, talking back to Felix. “You should give me your number, you know, just in case.”

 

He fished his smartphone out of his pocket and handed it over to Felix. Felix had to glance up in thought to remember the last digits of his new number. Once done, he returned it back to its owner, and Jack displayed a large appreciative smile in response.

 

“Thanks. I'll see you around, then!”

 

“Bye, Felix!” yelled a tipsy PJ from the poolside, an extended arm waving his way.

 

“Bye, guys” Felix waved in return.

 

“ _Just in case_ ” Mark mocked with a laugh once Felix walked back inside.

 

“Fuck off, Mark.”

 

Felix didn’t hear their comments as he was already making way through the hallway. Back in front of the staircase he found his shoes and hastily put them on to head outside.

 

The lamp hanging by the door was the only source of lighting in the front porch, and all around him Felix saw nothing but darkness.

 

Out in the cold, the breeze caressed his warm face agreeably. His body was slightly sore after the swimming session, which didn’t surprise him knowing he has always been out of shape. But there was still a sweet aftermath of relaxation and comfort that had him wish he could do this more often.

 

Mark was taking his time, and Felix was starting to wonder if he would be able to make it home in thirty minutes as promised. That's when the sound of a motorbike engine broke out in the silence of the woods and a pair of head lights flashed from across the corner of the house. Felix watched the blinding source of light approach the front where Jack’s black van was parked. Once it halted, Mark’s figure appeared atop.

 

“Need a ride?” Mark’s deep voice echoed. 

 

Felix was captivated by Mark’s impressive appearance. He watched the man lay his hands on each side of his helmet and with a lift, he exposed his flame-nuanced hair to the gentle breeze. Felix’s feet nimbly jogged along the pebbled pathway through the front yard to where Mark was waiting. Upon approach, he gained a clearer view of the vehicle's stunning design.

 

“A beauty, isn’t she?” Mark asserted with delight. “I’ve spent all my savings on her and I don’t have the slightest bit of regret.”

 

Given that amount of money, Felix would’ve certainly done the same. He has always been more of a motorcycle guy himself, but that would be an investment he might never have to worry about.

 

“Here, come on.”

 

Mark was pushing the helmet into his hands and motioning for him to climb in the back. Felix obediently wore it, then sat himself behind, comfortably shifting in his seat. The air smelled of hot rubber and gasoline, and it made the Swede’s heart race. He loved the sense of danger, and motorcycle-riding was just the right amount of that.

 

“Hold on tight” Mark warned, his hands dragging Felix’s all the way around his waist. The action had the Swede’s chest fall flat against Mark’s back, but Mark didn’t seem to mind, his lips were stretched into a thin smile as he turned to give Felix one last glimpse. “Ready? Here we go!”

 

The motorbike engine’s roar tore the quiet once more, and with a line of smoke the vehicle departed Fischbach’s property and onto the fast lane.

 

The thrill of riding a bike is extraordinary, but that of riding a bike at night in the back of Mark’s bike is a one in a lifetime experience.

Mark was driving at full speed, and the lights, the road and the scenery flashed by in the blink of an eye. Felix has been squeezing Mark’s waist in both fear and excitement, and he couldn’t bring himself to let loose. Mark’s back pressed warm against his chest, and he hoped his accelerated heartbeats weren’t distinct, or that Mark was too focused on the road to notice.

 

Ten minutes flew by in a whim, and then Mark was slowing down to follow Felix’s directions towards his apartment block. Eventually, they halted in front of the building’s front door and Felix climbed down, liberating himself from the heavy helmet, heart still racing.

 

“Nice neighborhood” Mark noted, his lips and cheeks has grown slightly pink from the harsh cold of the ride. “You live alone?”

 

“Yeah, on the second floor” Felix disclosed, returning the helmet with a smile. “Thanks for the ride, Mark. It was amazing, but dude, you really need to slow down next time, I felt my heart stopping at every turn."

 

“Said the guy who’s on time for his meeting” Mark sneered, and Felix realized he was right. Thanks to the fast ride, he made it exactly thirty minutes after Amy’s call. “But no need to thank me, Felix. It’s always a pleasure helping a friend out.”

 

Felix grinned brightly at his words. Mark was his friend now, just like Jack, and that alone brought Felix's happiness to its peak.

 

“I’ll see you around?” Felix suggested, beginning to take his first step backwards.

 

“Hey” Mark recalled, putting his helmet on and lifting up the face shield to eye the Swede. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something. It might sound a bit of a sudden question, but I’ve been curious for a while now.”

 

Felix's eyebrows met in curiosity. What could Mark possibly want to know from him?

 

“Sure.” He nodded.

 

“You and Jack” Mark started, tilting his head questionably. “What’s the relationship between you two?”

 

“We-We’re just friends” Felix admitted, which was the truth at the given moment. He might be holding a crush for the Irish, but that was something he still had to work on himself. 

 

“Friends, huh” Mark’s smirk was prominent. “Then so are we.”

 

With that said, Mark lowered his face shield and waved Felix goodbye. Felix watched him drive down the street and disappear into the next turn, and for the rest of the evening he was left wondering if there was a hidden meaning behind the man's last words.

 

 

**…**

 

 

 

Amy was standing at his apartment door when Felix made it to the second floor. She must’ve just arrived since she was happily waving his way. Felix unlocked the door and invited her in.

 

“Wow, now this looks different” She noticed, taken aback by the well-organized state of the house. “I should learn a thing or two from you. My room’s been a mess lately.”

 

Felix felt pride in receiving her in after she’s seen the place in its previous chaotic state. There were no more boxes to obstruct the small corridor and the kitchen and bedroom were on the clear. He might still have little furniture around but that would change with time.

 

“I’m having instant noodles for dinner, do you want some?” Felix suggested, hungrily rummaging the kitchen cupboard.

 

“Thanks but I stopped by my place for dinner” Amy politely refused, standing by the kitchen door with crossed arms. She was wearing casual clothes, an oversized knitted white sweater and a pair of black leggings. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail and she was intently watching Felix who was pouring water into the water boiler while humming a tune.

 

“What?” Felix asked, noticing her grin.

 

“Who was it?” Amy promptly asked, “Is it a girl I know?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Felix obliviously mumbled, ears gaining hints of red.

 

“It _is_ a girl!” Amy yelled excitedly. “Just tell me Felix, come on, I’m your friend! I always tell you about my love life, don't I?”

 

“Amy” Felix insisted “There is _no_ girl.”

 

Amy went silent, and then Felix was in the middle of returning back to his current task when he heard her utter a loud gasp.

 

“A _boy_?” She whispered in disbelief, and Felix’s wide-eyed glance and flushed face yielded the answer. “ _Holy shit_! I lost the bet!”

 

“A what?” Felix echoed in surprise.

 

“Emma and I had a bet on whether you were straight or not” Amy confessed, unsurprised. “Goddammit, I lost again.”

 

Felix wasn’t sure how to feel about his friends betting on his sexual orientation. Moreover, didn't that mean they weren't bothered by it? 

 

“Jesus Christ, Felix, I can’t believe it! Who is he?” Amy continued, now standing right behind him and staring over the Swede's shoulder. Felix was attempting to calmly pour the boiled water into the cup of noodles without splattering it all over his fingers, but with Amy watching him, it wasn't that easy.

“Is it Jack?" She assumed, "It’s Jack, isn’t it? I _knew_ it!”

 

“It’s not like that-" Felix mumbled bashfully. “...Jack and I are just friends.”

 

Felix picked up a fork, his cup of noodles, then walked hurriedly to the bedroom. Amy nimbly followed.

 

“Does he know?”

 

“Of course not!”

 

“So you were hanging out with him this evening, weren’t you?”

 

Felix found himself complying with Amy’s evil interrogation strategy against his will. The girl wasn't ready to let this one slide unless he issued the full report of his evening. However, Felix had a better idea.

 

“Fine” He announced, seating himself at the edge of the bed. “Here’s the deal. I’ll tell you everything that happened today, but first, you have to tell me about Michael.”

 

The teeth-flashing smile on Amy’s face was soon disappearing behind a lifeless pout. She let out a sigh, then seated herself to Felix's side, her palms nervously rubbing her thighs.

 

“I think Michael has a thing for Brad.” She stated deliberately, and before Felix could react, she was forwarding the details.

 

“I noticed their skinship since I was first introduced to the group by Emma. Brad had always a hand around Michael and vice-versa. At first I thought ‘Oh, they must be real close friends, how cool', but apparently that wasn't all. You know that we eat at the cafeteria almost everyday together, right?” She continued, seeking a nod from her listener. “At first, when Michael and I were still just friends, he would always sit down next to Brad during lunch time, and the strangest part is, they would sometimes hold hands, touch each other's arms or thighs, all while eating. It was sort of instinctive for them, some sort of confirmation, and they didn't need to ask each other's approval for it, they were just _used_ to it. Emma seemed used to it, too, so I decided to do the same. Only that then, Michael and I started dating, and Brad... Well, he stopped reciprocating out of respect to me. Michael kept trying though, but at some point he also gave up."

 

Amy took a breath and rubbed her tensed forehead. It seemed complicated, but Felix -who was forking the noodles out of his hot pot- was still following.

 

“And so, the two started distancing themselves from one another, and that resulted in Michael getting depressed. I know Michael. He’s too sweet and too nice of a guy to want to start any fights, so he never says anything, he never complains. But recently, I've been having this bad feeling, it's as if I am sure he’s trying to deny his unrequited feelings for Brad by forcing himself to love me. I just... I can tell, you know?”

 

Felix had stopped half-way into his meal to focus on Amy’s pained expression. It took him a while to realize she was done with her story-telling, and when Amy turned her head back towards him he saw that her eyes were tearing up.

“What should I do?” She asked, dropping her glance back towards the floor. “I feel like Michael deserves to be happy, but at the same time, I can’t just encourage my boyfriend to confess his deep love to his best friend. It’s just… It's so complicated! Oh my god, how did I put myself into this mess?"

 

“Are you sure Michael’s depressed because of Brad?” Felix asked rationally “I mean it is exam season, after all. Everyone's stressed with studying.”

 

“I _really_  wish that’s the reason,” Amy quickly nodded with a hint of blossoming hope in her eyes. “I hate when I get these sudden gut feelings, you know? It’s like I can tell through these subtle hints... God, I wish I could just shut them off!”

 

Felix had to agree. Amy had, in fact, incredible instincts, and proof is, it took her under five minutes to figure out his crush for Jack and he has never told her anything before. She had a talent of seeing right through people.

 

“I’m sure it's nothing” Felix comforted her instead, “Maybe you should try talking to Michael about it, too. It could help.”

 

Amy nodded again in compliance, seemingly cheering up at Felix’s well-given advice.

 

“I will!” She said with a newly-found smile. “Now’s your turn!” she added, turning her entire body to face Felix with peering eyes. “Tell me about your evening with Jack. And I demand the concrete and spicy details!”

 

Felix had to live up to his side of the bargain, and in order to cheer up his friend some more, he chose to start narrating the entirety of his evening experience to her, shining a bright light on the part where Mark said he remembered Amy as the nice girl from high school.

 

Amy’s eyes were wide open throughout the entirety of the story, and she wouldn't stop interrupting Felix by either gasping out loud or insisting on hearing the irrelevant yet important tiny details that took part in between, such as describing Mark's naked body, which Felix held a clear picture of in his head.

 

Story telling was exhausting, Felix had to admit, and he couldn't understand how Amy could do it on a constant basis. However, near the end, the Swede's tenseness dissipated, leaving room to enough comfort that had him mouth his feelings for Jack for the first time ever since they met. There was a certain relief in finally coming to terms with it.

 

“Dammit, Felix, I can't believe it", The woman sighed once he was done telling her about how Mark drove him all the way back here in under ten minutes, and how it winded up being the ride of his life. “You’ve spent quality time with my favorite boys and what more? You didn’t tell me about it until now! You could've at least texted me”

 

“I'm sorry” Felix apologized, genuinely guilty. “It all happened so fast and-"

 

“Dude, I’m just teasing you,” She laughed. “But come on, Jack’s _so_ into you, how can you not see it?”

 

Felix went shortly silent. He stretched a hand to place the empty pot on the night stand then regained his seat with crossed fingers.

 

“It’s not that I don’t see it” He calmly admitted. “I just don’t think I deserve someone like him. I mean, you’ve seen him, Amy. He’s…  He's amazing. And in that he deserves someone just as amazing as he is, like- I don't know, Mark or PJ. Meanwhile, I'm just this awkward new kid who doesn't have any talent other than breaking his own record in games. I can't compare to him, you know? ”

 

After he'd disclosed his vulnerable feelings out in the open, Felix's hands began gradually trembling. It wasn't until Amy's laugh echoed around the room that he shifted his attention to his side.

 

“Oh my god, Felix. You’re in love!” She simply concluded.

 

Felix’s eyebrows rose in his forehead. _Was he?_

 

After his failed relationship with Dustin, Felix numbed his feelings as a way to avoid getting himself hurt again. Overtime, he learned to build a wall around his heart, and whomever attempted to approach him was quickly disinterested. However, Jack didn't seem to be bothered by that part of him. In the pool earlier, he mentioned Felix's closeness and mysteriousness, but that only seemed to evoke his interest, hence the five questions game.

 

Felix’s heart skipped a beat. What if Jack saw right through him? What if he was slowly making his way into his heart without Felix noticing?

 

Oh god, Amy might be right. He might be falling in love with Jack.

 

“Man, it’s already this late?” Amy cursed out loud, her phone in hand. “I should probably get going. I have college early tomorrow and I still need to get a pain-in-the-ass assignment done tonight. Gotta kiss my sleep goodbye.”

 

Felix chuckled, standing up as well and walking Amy to the door. He had to admit, time spent around the girl was precious in its own way. He had grown very fond of her by now.

 

“Thanks for listening to my rambling” Amy admitted at the door, and Felix wanted to correct her after talking twice as much as she did. “There’s some stuff I can’t just tell Emma, so you’re the only one I can turn to.”

 

“Hey, don’t worry about it” Felix insisted with a relaxed smile. Maybe in the beginning when he just met her he thought Amy was too talkative, but now every word she utters holds a meaning to him. Now he cared about her life and her well-being, because now she was his friend, and that's what friends do.

 

“I’m sure it’ll work out just fine with Michael. Remember to talk it out.”

 

“I will” she confirmed with a grateful nod. “And so should you, mister."

 

"Well" Felix cleared up his throat nervously, "If things work out, then maybe.”

 

“Don't be a pussy. Just kiss the guy already, jeez.” She teased, and Felix found himself laughing at her answer. It’s good to know they’ve reached that level of friendship already.

 

“Good night, Felix!”

 

“Good night, Amy.”

 

“Oh, wait- I almost forgot!”

 

Felix had nearly closed the door when Amy rushed back at him, holding out a red envelope in hand.

 

“I found this under your door” She informed, “It wasn’t tucked well underneath so I picked it up.”

 

Felix hesitantly held the thin paper in between his fingers, eyeing it with both curiosity and wary.

 

“All right, all right. Time to go. Bye bye!”

 

And with a quick wave and a hasty walk, Amy disappeared down the staircase. Felix closed his apartment door and examined the red envelope he's just acquired. The sender’s address was missing and Felix squinted his nose suspiciously. He doesn’t remember giving his new address to anyone other than the shop owner. Who could’ve possibly sent this?

 

With sweaty yet curious hands, Felix tore the envelope open and pulled a layer of white paper sheet from within. The entirety of the page appeared blank at first glance but when Felix turned it over, a short text came to view. Three simple words were displayed in the middle of the page.

 

 

_I found you._

 

 

That night, Felix didn't sleep.

 

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THIS BEFORE YOU PROCEED:
> 
> Very important trigger warning coming ahead. This chapter mentions paranoia, mental illness, PTSD, abuse, depression and so on. 
> 
> PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
> 
> Aside from that, enjoy the read and if you, at any point, need someone to talk to, I'm here!

 

Paranoia.

 

It happened during the time in which Felix and Dustin first became classmates. Felix started feeling watched and followed, yet whenever he confined in his friends or family they laughed at him and called him paranoid. As a result Felix suffered. He was a constant victim of that state of chronic anxiety resulting in the fear of an unknown yet creeping danger. It weighted down on his mental health so heavily he started seeing a therapist about it.

 

But even then it didn’t cease. If anything, it worsened. It was soon ruining his social and private life. His family called him a disgrace for constantly closing himself up in his room, and his therapy did nothing other than increase his medical dosage. During that period of time, Felix was miserable. 

 

Then he met Dustin.

 

Dustin was the first person to genuinely care for Felix's health and take his mental issues seriously. That was the beginning of a friendship that later bloomed into a romance. Felix was convinced Dustin was his savior. As right after they started seeing each other his paranoia was no more, he was regaining confidence in his mental skills. He was becoming healthy again, and his friends, family and therapists were all proud to see the improvements. 

 

Then things began to change.

 

On his twenty-first birthday, Felix's unhappiness in the relationship led him to break up with Dustin, and the two ceased to see each other ever since. Afterwards, Felix’s paranoia returned. Once again, he felt watched, tracked, spied on. And with Dustin in mind, the feeling was even more  _real_.

 

During the second semester of college Felix's performance remarkably dropped. He was once more locking himself up in his room and spending the entirety of his days playing video games. At least between those four walls, Felix felt safe.

 

Or so he thought.

 

One summer night at two in the morning, Felix woke up to the sound of pebbles colliding against his window glass. Curious as he was, he peeked through the window frame and into the dimly lit backyard of the house, and that's when he saw him. The shadow of his stalker. The exact same shape he sometimes catches a glimpse of with the corner of his eyes. He was there, and he was watching him. 

 

Beyond frightened, Felix rushed back to hide in his bed. He trembled and sweat throughout the rest of the night, even long after the pebbles hitting his window glass had stopped , and the figure had left.

 

The same thing happened every day for the rest of that week. Felix was panicking. He could not inform his parents, they never believed him, and his decreasing college performance left him with no trustworthy friends, so Felix confined in the only person left, his therapist. He remembers her dull facial expression as clear as day, the way she inattentively nodded throughout his story-telling while sketching into her notebook, then once he was done, she rose her eyes to him, flashed a smile and promised she had just the perfect ‘cure’.

 

‘You have to let it in’, she said.

 

She managed to make Felix believe that the sight of a shape in his backyard, the feeling of being watched and the fear of the unknown were all part of his mental illness, and that it was all the construct of his mind. Confused yet hopeful, Felix took her words to heart and the next time the pebbles came knocking on his window glass, he opened it.

 

And that was the biggest mistake of his life.

 

He could remember that night like it was yesterday. The shadow of his stalker stomping hastily over the lawn, the sound of his boots dragging his weight up as he climbed the wall, then the appearance of his figure at his window. In the wake of his fenestration, Felix could finally identify him.

 

Dustin. It was always Dustin.

 

Except that the Dustin in his room that night wasn't the one Felix once knew. This man wasn't even human. There was nothing human in the way he shoved Felix onto the ground and did all those horrible things to him, while Felix was forced to mute himself in fear of being found out. It was horrifying, it was disgusting, it was cruel, and Felix remembers it. He wished he didn't, but he remembers every bit of it.

 

 

                                                  **…**

 

 

The phone alarm went off, and Felix woke up with bags under his eyes. There was an unidentified weight pressing against his chest and he didn't feel like leaving his bed.

 

He focused his attention on the old chandelier hanging in the middle of his bedroom, one which the last tenant had left behind. He watched the particles of dust retained on the surface of the bulbs, the unevenly peeled golden varnish that faded to green and one of the bulbs’ glass shattered. Just like the chandelier, Felix was broken but still operating.

 

 

_I found you._

 

 

His heart gave a painful throb. It was real. It was all real and it happened. He might have flown across the globe, he might have left his old life behind and started over again, he might have discovered the happiness he lacked all these years, but none of it mattered, not now that Dustin had found him.

 

He pushed himself up and set his feet on the cold floor. He made his way to the bathroom and felt the energy drain out of him with every taken step. The warm shower didn’t help, he could still feel that burdensome weight crushing his shoulders with all its might. He was tired and blue. He wanted to call in sick to work but couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone and do it.

 

Outside, the sky was thick with dark clouds, but no rain was foreseen. Felix brought an umbrella with him and dropped by the coffee shop on the way to work.

 

“Are you okay, sir?” Asked a concerned barista behind the counter.

 

Felix stiffened at the call. He dozed off and must've failed to notice his turn.

 

“What can I get you?” Asked the barista once again, and Felix found himself at a loss of words.

 

_What did he want?_

 

The customers standing behind him in line started muttering complains and the shop workers eyed him skeptically. His heart rate increased. He felt suddenly observed and couldn’t breathe.

 

Turning around, Felix instantly stormed out of the coffee shop.

 

The rain was heavily falling outside, and he didn't have his umbrella on him. He must’ve forgotten it at the shop, or maybe at home, maybe he never picked it up in the first place. He didn’t know at this point anymore.

 

Felix fiddled with the keys with trembling hands, and it took him three tries to open the store's front door. He had thirty minutes before opening time and he spent every minute in the staff room wringing the water out of his clothes and drying himself with a dusty towel found deep inside his locker.

 

He flipped the sign to OPEN fifteen minutes later than usual, and thankfully there were no customers around to complain. He sat himself down on the chair behind the counter and took a long, deep breath.

 

_Everything was going to be fine._

 

Then three lively fifth-graders pushed the door open and walked inside the store.

 

“Good morning, Felix!” They greeted at once.

 

“Morning” Felix replied with a strained smile. 

 

A month ago, Felix would’ve never believed that the highlight of his day would one day turn into the pure definition of _annoyance_.

 

The three boys noisily argued over the exact same comic they have been obsessed with for the past two weeks or so, and at a certain point one of them started crying as a result. Felix’s patience was drawing thin, and he found himself unconsciously slamming his fist against the surface of the counter, startling the three boys that jolted from their spot and glanced his way.

 

“Get out” he spat in a bitter tone.

 

The two boys eyed each other in confusion and the third cried even louder. They unhappily did as told, and walked out of the shop in silence, leaving a guilty Felix behind.

 

 _“What’s wrong with him?”_ One of the three spat once they were outside.

 

What was wrong with him?

 

Everything was.

 

His heart painfully stung and he got the sudden urge to cry. Then his phone vibrated, and looking upon the screen he read the received text message from an unknown number.

 

_Hey Felix its me, Jack_

_Wanna hang out at my place this evening? Yes or yes?_

_Good answer! I’ll pick u up after ur shift!_

_See ya!_

 

The text turned out to be the actual highlight of his day. He felt his lips twitch into the tiniest smile, and the way the light in him flickered back on immediately brought him to tears. He was glad it was raining outside and he was glad there was no one around to see him, because then he could cry to his heart’s content. He could cry at the hint of hope that was still in him, tucked somewhere deep inside, frail, small yet present.

 

The eight hours that followed were the slowest Felix has ever pulled through. There was little to do and he had to spent most of his time distracting himself and keeping his mind off that endless loop of negativity. At quarter to five, Amy announced her arrival. Felix stood at the counter while she changed in the staff room. He was fidgeting, his palms were moist and his nervous eyes hardly left the front door. Anytime now, Jack would show up. 

 

“God, I can’t believe this weather” Amy moaned out in discontent. “I forgot my umbrella at home since they said it wasn't going to rain. Damn useless forecast, you can never trust it. Is everything okay around here?”

 

Felix’s glance escaped the door to fall on Amy who was approaching him. Once at fair distance, the woman let out a loud, distinct gasp.

 

“Felix?” She softly called out of concern. “Your eyes...Are you okay?"

 

It must the crying, Felix concluded. That and the tiredness, the lack of sleep, and maybe a hint of starvation. But Amy needn't to know any of that.

 

“Bad sleep” he admitted with a shrug. “It's nothing serious. I’ll just nap later when I’m home.”

 

“Bad sleep, huh?” She echoed suspiciously, leaning further against the counter, seeking to gain closer view of her friend's face. “What kept you up all night? Nightmares?"

 

 

_I found you._

 

Felix's head throbbed, and the three words repeated themselves in the back of his head in Dustin's voice. Nightmares, yes, _definitely_ nightmares. His lips trembled, and met with Amy's piercing stare, he found himself uttering the first thing that came to mind.

 

“No, just gaming” he lied. “And Jack picking me up after my shift.”

 

“Wait, _really_?!” Amy suddenly yelled in excitement, pushing herself backwards and noticeably breaking her intense observation with the newly found distraction. “Someone's making progress! Good god, it was about time. Is he picking you up now?"

 

Felix bashfully nodded. "He should be here any second"

 

"Oh my god, you guys are unbelievably _cute_!" She squealed, then her attention briefly turned towards the door. "Talk about the devil. Isn't that him?"

 

Felix's eyes swiftly followed her stare to the door. A black van pulled over across the street and a hooded figure climbed out shortly after. The person swiftly jogged to escape the rain and seek refuge under the shop's front door. Once they made it, they rid himself of the jacket’s hood, revealing Jack's flashy green hair. With a charming smile, the boy pushed the door open and walked in. 

 

“I’m here!” He energetically announced with a hand wave. Felix's heart raced at his sight.

 

“Welcome!” Amy greeted with just as much enthusiasm, jumping on the occasion to introduce herself, a thing she has been dying to do for as long as Felix could remember. “I’m Amy! It’s a pleasure to properly meet you, Jack!"

 

“Hey, Amy” Jack cheerfully responded, forwarding a hand which Amy excitedly held for a handshake. “The pleasure’s all mine. Felix told me a lot about you, so I'm quite happy to finally meet you."

 

“He did?” Amy beamed with an apparent blushing. “You better have told him the good stuff, Felix.”

 

"Can't risk putting my life on the line, can I?" He casually reassured, bringing the two others to laugh. With Jack around, something in him was brought back to life and making small conversation and pleasant jokes became suddenly natural. When their eyes met, the Swede's lips stretched into the first genuine smile of the day, and he greeted him accordingly. “Hello, Jack.”

 

“Hi, Felix. Ready to go?” Jack tilted his head in a questioning manner, lips curled into a tender smile. Felix watched that loving expression switch to a shockingly worried one as Jack approached the counter. “Dude, your eyes… Everything okay?”

 

He must really do something about his eyes.

 

“Gaming” Amy rescued with a disapproving frown. “Listen, Jack, as much as I love seeing you two hang out, considering Felix’s finally making friends other than me and all that, but you have to promise you’ll be forcing this bad boy here to bed early tonight. He won’t listen to me, never does.”

 

“I will, m’am, I promise.” Jack agreed on a heartbeat and then the two shared silent nods of approval. Felix was already regretting having them meet.

 

“All right, time’s up, Felix" Amy announced with a loud clap of her hands as she joined the Swede behind the counter and urged him to step out. “The shop's mine to care for, now. You two should go ahead and have fun, and remember, _sleep_!"

 

Waving them off excitedly like a proud mother, the two have left Amy behind and headed back inside the car. Felix climbed in the passenger seat and Jack didn’t bother fastening his belt as he turned the key into ignition and drove them down the street, exactly five blocks ahead.

 

“You didn’t need to bring the car” Felix pointed out, already able to see Jack’s building at the corner of the street. “We could’ve just walked."

 

“Walking in the rain is a pain in the ass” Jack said as a matter-of-fact. “Well, walking in general is, but you get my point."

 

Felix found himself giggling at his answer.

 

“My hating to walk is now a Felix-approved joke" Jack grinned with pride. "It's good to see you finally crack a smile. Had a tough day?"

 

“Sort of” Felix agreed with a sigh. He felt slightly better now, but he was still regretful for kicking those three boys out of the shop earlier. He should apologize properly next time they drop by.

 

“Well it ended now” Jack disclosed, pulling over the van to park right in front of the building. “But your evening with me is just getting started.”

 

Felix caught him flashing a wide grin and forwarding a subtle wink before he climbed out of the van. Felix hesitated to follow. He was unsure if meeting Jack under these circumstances was a good idea. Part of him wanted to just return home, wrap himself in blankets and hide in his bed forever, yet another part craved this, craved Jack’s company, and the desire to do nothing other than spend every moment of his time with him.

 

In the end, Felix chose to follow the foolishness of his heart over the rationality of his mind. His feet stomped onto the damp floor and he tailed Jack upstairs into the apartment. They entered Jack's room, and to his surprise, it was far more improved than the last time he's been here. The floor was clean and the shelves well-organized. Even the dust on the drum set was gone, and everything smelled refreshing.

 

A hint of happiness bloomed inside Felix. The innocent thought of Jack putting evident effort in attempt to appeal to him made Felix feel immensely happy.

 

“I didn’t notice the floor had a carpet” He however pointed out sarcastically, attempting to conceal his sudden rush of emotions.

 

“Oh, shut up” Jack embarrassingly muttered, softly punching Felix’s arm. “Have a sit. Want anything to drink? Beer, juice, water?”

 

“I’ll have a beer” He decided, watching Jack nod and disappear out of the room.

 

Felix sat himself down on the cushioned bed and took a deep breath. The room's air was refreshing and held a condensed scent of Jack. Although it made the Swede self-conscious, It also eased his nerves and calmed his anxiety. Being in the company of the Irish had him shove those negative thoughts into a corner where he could later deal with, now entirely permitting himself to focus on the moment, on him and on Jack.

 

“One beer for Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg” Jack announced shortly, returning inside the room with two bottles in hand. "Did I pronounce that right or did I just butcher your name?"

 

“The beer covers for the damage" Felix grinned at Jack's eye-roll, then held the offered bottle. "Thanks"

 

He watched him walk over and seat himself right by his side on the bed. Their knees brushed in a subtle way. And through that touch, Felix felt part of Jack's radiating warmth slowly transfer onto him. It was comforting. 

 

“PJ’s not home?” Felix blurted out the first thing that came to mind to save the conversation from perishing. 

 

“He’s working the night shift at the drug store,” Jack informed with ease. His eyes on Felix, he leaned back, palms sinking into the bed sheet, his bottle of beer tucked in between his thighs. “He’s usually back early in the morning, around five. Why, though? Do you miss him or something?”

 

“What? No-” Felix promptly negated. “It’s just that it’s quiet around here today, so I was wondering.”

 

Jack laughed. His tone warm and lively. Hearing it, Felix could feel all of his worries melt away.

 

“I know. I was just teasing you” He hummed agreeably, then rose his fingers to start fiddling with his ear piercings. Felix realized he did that whenever he was nervous. “So that means ...PJ’s not your type?”

 

Felix was in the middle of gulping down some beer and eyeing Jack's ear when that question tackled him out of nowhere. He almost choked, and spilled some of the alcohol content on the floor carpet in the process, which Jack didn't seem to mind one bit.

 

“Why would you-“ Felix began, wiping the beer off his mouth under Jack’s genuine laugh.

 

“Third question, Felix” Jack reminded, rising his half-empty bottle with pride. “I had three more to go, remember?”

 

“Oh, come on” Felix complained. “That was yesterday."

 

“Rules don’t state the time between each question” Jack reminded, earnest. “So you gotta chug on that beer and give me a proper answer, Arvid Ulf.”

 

There he goes again calling him by his middle names, Jack was intently teasing him by now. With eyes falling back on his lap to watch the beer tag he was in the middle of nervously scratching off, Felix formed an answer.

 

“PJ’s good looking,” he admitted at last. “But… no, he’s not my type”

 

With that said and with a clear frown and a proud grin, Felix lifted up his head towards Jack.

 

“Hold on, that means I have four more questions to go, right?”

 

“Oh crap, he remembers” Jack pursed his lips, eyes amusingly rolling in response. “But go ahead. Throw anything at me and I’ll answer it. I'm not _scared_."

 

He seemed so composed and confident it made the Swede think. It was just the two of them right now, he reminded himself. There was nothing to be shy about.

 

“Anything?” Felix smirked, gaining back some of his composure. “All right, then. How did your last relationship end?”

 

Felix surprised himself with his straight-forward question. It wasn’t easy acting calm and composed around the guy that made his entire body tremble with a brush of the knee, but there was a certain comfort in it. Around Jack, Felix could be himself, and that added layers to his self-confidence. 

 

“I just dug my own grave didn’t I?” Jack conceded. He took his time to drink the last drops of his beer before he could give his answer. “He cheated on me with a girl. When I got mad at him about it he said it wasn’t his fault, and that he wasn’t gay to begin with. Smooth, isn’t it?”

 

Felix’s disgust was distinct on his face.

 

“What an asshole” he spat bitterly.

 

“Believe me there’s worse” Jack assured, “I mean, he _was_ an asshole, but not as as much of an asshole as my first boyfriend who used to beat me up whenever I refused to have sex with him. But don't worry, that one actually ended up in jail.”

 

“Jesus” Felix gasped. His frown was prominent as he was reminded of his own experience with Dustin. He could accept the fact that something so horrible had happened to him, but to someone as sweet as Jack, he couldn’t even begin to describe his inner anger.

 

“I sort of knew someone like that as well” He finally confessed, deciding after he had just spilled out a dark secret, Jack deserved to hear one in return.

 

The course of their conversation was deviating into the topic Felix was least comfortable with. When he raised his eyes, Jack was watching him intently, his smile tender and soft, reflecting that pure happiness and utmost fondness one evokes at the sight of something precious. As rapid as it began, Felix's pain was eased.

 

“Fourth question,” Jack then carried on, changing the subject almost naturally. “Neck or lip kisses?”

 

Felix’s face gained some of its color back. He brought the tip of the bottle to his lips, seeking temporary distraction, but the content was already empty.

 

“…Lip, I guess” he mumbled in a low, shy voice. “You?”

 

“Neck kisses win hands down” Jack answered almost immediately. The Swede made a mental note of that, _just in case._

 

“So, uh” Jack continued, eyes flickering around the room as if the next question would pop up on one of the shelves. “What was your very first impression of me? Be honest. No lies. I can handle it."

 

It took Felix a second or two to recall the memory of their first meeting. Jack’s appearance was certainly the first element the Swede had noticed. His love for the color black and most definitely the amount of piercings he had.

 

“I thought you were scary yet awesome” He began. “You know, the kind of guy I shouldn't probably be picking up fights with. But then I heard the way you talked. And it's either the soft voice or the funny accent, or maybe also your smile…” Felix was getting slightly side-tracked there. “Anyway, uh, yeah, I realized you were cool. Sorry, I’m really bad with first impressions and all that.”

 

“No, no” Jack urged with stars in his eyes. “It’s perfect. And it's exactly what I get told most of the time. It must be the tons of piercings and the black clothes.” He laughed, playing with his ear again. “But man, It's sort of nice hearing you talk like that about me.”

 

Felix couldn't bring himself to raise his eyes again. At this point, he was hardly biting back the urge to _do_ something about his feelings, yet at the same time he didn't want to ruin the amount of fun they were having.  

 

“Talking about piercings" He went on. "How many do you have?”

 

“Oh, shit man, hold on." Jack hurriedly moved his fingertips over the edge of his ears, then moved on to the ones on his eyebrow, lip, and nose. He seemed to have lost count of the exact number due to the constant new additions. “Four piercings on my face, five on the left ear, five on the right, and…” He stopped briefly, mumbling unheard words. “Seventeen” he then finally uttered.

 

“But adding those together is just fourteen, how did you- Oh” Felix was cut short by his realization.

 

His eyes innocently fell on Jack’s clothed body, and his glance distractedly lied on his chest, then fell down to his crotch area.

 

“Is it just me or are you undressing me with your eyes? ” Jack grinned, noticing the Swede’s parted lips and speechless expression. “You can go ahead and picture it if you want.”

 

“Oh god” Felix quickly looked away, cheeks bright red. “Isn’t it… like, painful?”

 

“Dude, as hell!” He confirmed. “But hey, it’s fucking worth it.”

 

As curious as he was, Felix chose not to question it any further. His face was burning up, and he wished he had another beer in hand he could chug on to forget this conversation ever happened. Jack had noticed his bashfulness by now, and he felt so embarrassed he could die.

 

“So, uh" Jack muttered, his eyes escaping down to his own lap. "I really wanted to ask you this at last, but I'm… I’m kind of nervous about it” Jack confessed, moving a hand to massage the back of his tensed neck. “But I'm just gonna say it. And you feel free to tell me to fuck off or punch me in the face if you don’t like it, okay? You can punch me as hard as you want!”

 

His glistening eyes met Felix’s innocent confused pair. He silently nodded, and felt his fingers peel off the beer tag completely as Jack’s words reached his ears.

 

“...Can I kiss you?”

 

Although a small part of him expected it, from the way Jack's eyes constantly deviated towards his lips during the course of their conversation, that didn't stop Felix's heart from bursting into a heated race. His eyes fell on Jack’s lips almost immediately, taking in the perfect shape and the soft red tint resulting from the Irish's nervous nibbling. The addition of the ring piercing on the left side of his mouth had Felix wonder, did it feel any different? Jack knew he was being stared that, and that the man in front of him wanted this just as much as he did- and Felix doubtlessly agrees- but that didn't change the fact that he was still patient, composed, waiting for a form of consent before he could take the next step. The lingering look in his eyes and the red on the tip of his ears raised peculiar confidence in the Swede, and he was eagerly nodding his head in response.

 

Jack’s pupils dilated and Felix could see his own reflection mirrored in the bright blue of his eyes. And when he smiled, his heart melted. Their fingers touched, and Felix realized he was having his beer bottle taken away from him. With a soft thud, Jack placed both of them on the night stand, without taking his eyes off him.

 

The way he moved, it was slow yet alleviating. His hand came resting upon his own, and their fingers intertwined. Felix was nervous. Jack leaned forward, his face approaching his, his hitched breath caressed the Swede’s trembling lips. Jack was nervous, too.

 

It happened over the course of a minute or two, but it felt like eternity. The way Jack’s head tilted to the side and how Felix instinctively tilted his the opposite way. As if gravity itself melded in with their actions, soon to draw them towards each other, their cold lips reuniting in a soft and innocent kiss.

 

Felix's heart rate was wild. His mind focused on nothing other than the taste of his lips, and the way they so perfectly fit against his. The cold surface of Jack's piercing sinking into his bottom lip as Jack sucked on it sent a shudder down his spine. He was kissing him. He was kissing Jack and he could hardly believe it.

 

Driven by his rush of emotions, Felix curled a gentle palm against the back of Jack’s neck and slowly pulled him in. The tip of the Irish's warm tongue tickled his lip and when Felix allowed an opening for it to slide in and heatedly meddle with his, something in him switched, and he felt his entire body yield. He could hardly contain how good it felt after that. He was running out of air, gasping, and dragging deep lungful breaths now and then between the increasingly passionate exchange, and at a certain point, his voice gave in, and a delicate moan escaped his depraved lungs.

 

While that action embarrassed the Swede, it only seemed to agitate Jack all the more. Soon he was laying his entire weight on Felix, whose arms shortly gave in, and the two fell one on top of the other in the comfort of the bed.

 

Felix might not be ready, but part of him wanted this. Jack aroused in him desires that were buried deep within, some he never thought existed. He wanted to believe that this time it was going to be different. 

 

Or was it?

 

Was it going to be any different from the last time he was pushed down by someone?

 

No. This was Jack, he reminded himself. _This was Jack._ But his mind wouldn't listen.

 

 

 

_I found you._

 

 

_I found you._

 

 

_I FOUND YOU_

 

 

When Felix opened his eyes next, everything had changed. It wasn’t the cute loving Irish who laid on top of him. It was Dustin.

 

 

_No. This wasn’t happening. Not now._

 

 

As he laid in the darkness of his own room, at three in the morning of that summer night, Felix watched the shadow crawl on top of him with shocked teary eyes. The gruesome dark of his hair and his indiscernible features as he fixed him with those evil eyes. The painful bruises and the numbness of his hands from a rope that wrung his wrists far too tight. The shape and weight of his heavy body as he trapped him underneath, overpowering him and crushing him without an ounce of pity. 

 

His breathing stopped. And he did the first thing his instincts had him do, shove away the figure on top of him, shove away Jack, and run.

 

 

_Run, Felix._

 

_Run._

 

  
  
And so he did.

 

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should now smile.
> 
> You lovely person, you.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING : Suicide attempt 
> 
> This chapter took every bit of me along with it. But I'm glad it ended. Now it's out there.
> 
> Bonus song at the end of this.

 

 

 

After that incident Felix expressed nothing but guilt.

 

Jack had called and texted him several times after that, but Felix's diffidence as well as his fear of the ominous outcome had him avoid his phone like an epidemic. He spent long sleepless hours thinking it through, of what he could possibly tell Jack that would make him understand what happened that night had nothing to do with him. That his shoving him and running away wasn’t because of something Jack did, but because of what his mind made it out to be. That it was, all of it, entirely his trauma's fault. Yet how could he possibly explain himself without sounding purely and utterly insane? He didn't want Jack to know that part of him to begin with. He wished it could remain where he had buried it long ago, in his _past_.

 

With Dustin’s return in his life, Felix's happiness subsided, and both his mental and physical health decreased. Nightmares haunted his sleep, and his constant state of exhaustion had him revoke food altogether. He starved himself, and lived off of nothing else but caffeine to still operate accordingly. He started developing chronic anxiety. The job of a cashier, which demanded of one to stand behind a counter and welcome random strangers who walk in, became a daunting concept to him. At times he was involuntarily jumping at the sound of the doorbell, or when approached by a confused customer, and day by day, his life was slowly deviating into a loop of pure stress and endless panic. 

 

Yet Felix was a strong-willed man. Nothing, not even his own emotional instability could stop him from performing his daily routine.

 

There was a mild sense of safety in working the early shifts at the store and returning home early. Dustin wouldn’t jump Felix in the bright daylight, Felix knew that. He knew how smart and calculated of a person Dustin was. The kind of person to take his time and wait for the perfect moment to jump his prey. In other words, Felix might be safe right now, but the danger creeping on him was imminent. 

 

On Saturday Amy begged Felix to cover for her evening shift so she could study for her finals. Being the good friend he was, Felix agreed. It was just one time, after all, nothing bad could possibly happen. And since he has been doing this for almost a week now, it eased him into believing he got the hang of it. 

 

That evening Felix listened to the local radio station playing the town's top ten Indie songs of the year. He was genuinely excited to hear the name of The Rock Killers mentioned at the very top of the list, winning with their famous track  _The Low Song*_. Being a fan of their music genre by now, Felix found himself humming along the catchy lyrics with ease while scrolling down his smartphone.

 

Then two customers walked in, and startled, Felix rapidly tossed his phone into the drawer underneath and returned back to work.

 

At eight o'clock, Felix safely locked the front door and started his cleaning routine. He swoop the dusty floor and filled the bar fridge by the register. He made sure the windows in the basement were closed and switched off the lights downstairs and the ones on the first floor. At quarter past eight, he was done, and went to retrieve his backpack and jacket from the staff room. He flipped the sign to _CLOSED_ , locked the shop’s door one last time and left.

 

Instead of the shortcut through the park he's used to taking, Felix settled for a safer route back home. The street that lead to the city center was bright with enough pedestrians and passing cars to make Felix feel at ease, and so he took it.

 

There were two passerby who strolled ahead of him, and out of wariness, Felix chose to keep his distance. He watched them intently, and sometimes the taller male picked up the pace, and the shorter one was forced to jog after him. When that happened three times in a row, the one left behind touched the other's back, signaling him to slow down, but the latter rudely brushed him off in response. That’s when they both suddenly stopped in the middle of the pavement to face one another, and with that, Felix was able to recognize them.

 

Under the light of the lamp, it took Felix the fraction of a second to identify Brad’s prominent beard and Michael’s flat cap and rounded shoulders. The two were in the middle of an argument, but all Felix could hear were Brad's loud answers. 

 

“Just fucking stop, Mike! Stop doing that! Stop touching me!”

 

Michael looked hurt but not ready to comply. He helplessly reached for Brad's hand and weakly pulled on it, and that's when Brad's anger erupted. His reflex was uncalculated, and he shoved Michael so hard he sent him to the ground. Sitting where he landed, Michael’s head tilted downwards, and tears started streaming down his face. Brad must've felt terrible, but he hesitated to bend down and help him. Instead, he chose to turn his back on him and dash down the street.

 

Amy was right. There was a definite tension between the two of them. Felix might have just walked into a fight by coincidence, but the way Michael was trying to repeatedly reach for Brad was evidence that this was more than friendship to him. Even so, Felix felt bad for Michael, and he wished he could do something other than stand there and watch him unhappily push himself off the ground and continue strolling down the street like nothing happened. 

 

Felix was suddenly reminded of Jack. The thought of being Brad in their situation horrified him. The way he so ardently ran away without as much as glancing back or apologizing. What if Jack, too, was on the verge of tears? The simple thought of hurting that sweet boy brought his guilt to resurface. He had to call him. And he had to do it now.

 

When his hand landed on his empty pocket, however, Felix remembered his phone was still in the drawer.

 

_Shit._

 

He retraced his steps back to the shop in under a minute. Breathless, he locked the door behind him and hurriedly searched the drawer under the dim light of the street shining through the window. It was half past eight and Felix knew how dangerous it was for him to be outside. His inner voice was screaming at him to leave while he was fiddling with the bundle of paper clips, pens and pencils to uncover his black smartphone lying in the bottom. 

 

And then his heart stopped when someone knocked on the door.

 

His panic had him jolt backwards. He bumped his back against the bookshelf of magazines and knocked some of them down on the floor. When he looked ahead, the shadow of a man was standing outside. His hand was squeezing the doorknob and he began twisting it with force. The door was violently shaking.

 

He knew this was going to happen. He knew it wasn't safe. Yet here he was.

 

"Open the door, Felix. I just wanna talk" The voice resonated through the thin line of wood that separated him from his nightmare. Felix was paralyzed. 

 

He continued loudly knocking his fist against the fragile glass while pointing at the door lock. He knew he was ordering him to open the door, but Felix was far from insane to do that. He crouched behind the counter instead and hugged his legs against his chest in fear, praying he would just give up and leave.

 

"Open the door or I'll _fucking_ break it!"

 

Felix closed his eyes shut and focused on his shaky breathing. He didn't move from his hiding spot for the next half an hour or so until the loud knocking on the door eventually ceased. He then carefully peeked past the counter to make sure that there was no more sign of his stalker around, but he was gone. He bounced in shock when his phone started ringing all of a sudden, and he ended up bumping his head against the edge of the drawer by accident. Wincing at the pain, he checked his device, the caller was Jack.

 

"Felix!" Jack's voice squeaked with pure delight, almost as if he couldn't believe Felix just picked up. "H-Hey!"

 

"Hey" Felix uttered.  _Help me,_ he wanted to add, but the words simply refused to slip past his lips.

 

"Where are you? Can we talk?"

 

"W-Work."

 

_Help me. I'm scared._

 

"This late? When will you be done? Can I see you after? I can pick you up-"

 

"No!" Felix immediately yelled. The thought of Jack running into Dustin terrified him even more than his current situation. "I can't. Sorry."

 

"I see" Jack disappointingly exhaled. There was a short silence. "Are you still mad at me? Is there anything I can do?"

 

_Yes. Help me._

 

"No, I'm fine" He said. "I have to go, Jack."

 

Then the call ended.

  
As he sat there lamenting in his own cowardice, out of nowhere, a loud crash was heard and Felix witnessed the front door's glass shatter into a thousand pieces. His heart leaped out of his chest and he was sent back to his feet. With pure shock, he watched Dustin's return outside the store. Except now, he was sliding a hand past the breached glass of the door, reaching for the doorknob with ease. With a click, the door was parting open, and the familiar doorbell rang to announce his unwelcome customer.

 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

 

“Calm down, Felix” Dustin advised once he trotted past the doorstep, his tall figure hardly fitting past the door frame. It's been three months and Felix hasn't forgotten how big and scary of a man he was. “I’m not here to hurt you. I just want to talk, okay? _Just talk."_ He insisted, briefly pointing at the hole he made in the door's glass. "I'm sorry about that, by the way. Wouldn't have done it if you just let me in.”

 

He wanted to scream. Felix wanted to yell and shout with all his might and shove this person out of his shop. But his voice wouldn't come out and his body was too weak, too paralyzed to do much. He could only stand there and stare at the man who broke him the same way he broke that door's glass into pieces.

 

“Look, Felix” Dustin began, throwing his arms in the air. "See? I'm not even armed, okay? I know you’re scared of me. I know we didn’t part ways under the best circumstances, but I swear I’m not gonna hurt you. I promise."

 

_No._

 

_Just get out._

 

_Get out now._

 

Ignoring his previous protest, Dustin was now taking unhurried steps towards the counter, and as he did, his face came to light. Felix's stomach turned at the sight. The short black hair and the scruffy beard, the dark brown eyes and the thick eyebrows, the familiarity of those features threw him instantly back to those days. All those sleepless nights and sickening flashbacks rushed back to him, and the more he stared, the more vivid and real they became. He could almost feel it, Dustin's unwelcome touch on his body, his merciless hand squeezing his neck so hard his lips turned blue, the disgusting caress of his breath against his ear and the irritating noise of his bed rocking underneath.

 

"What is it? Cat got your tongue?" Dustin mocked. He was now circling the counter, dragging his fingers over the desk with ease. "Or are you just too happy to see me?"

 

“Get out” He spat out instead, hating the cracking and nonthreatening sound of the voice that came out of him.

 

"You don't mean it" Dustin asserted with a steady tone. "I know you missed me, Felix. Just say it. Say you missed me. Say you want me to take you back. _Say it_!"

 

 

Dustin's sudden yell set Felix’s alarm off. He moved his palm blindly over the shelves behind as Dustin was taking the last step towards him, that disgusting smug smile on his face. He knew, he fucking knew what he was doing to him, and Felix couldn't stand it. He reacted fast and swung the pocket radio against his face so hard his nose bled.

 

" _You piece of scum!"_

 

Furious, Dustin grabbed Felix's wrists and restrained him in the corner. The Swede cried, feeling his hands nearly dislocate against the crushing strength of his grip. But he fought back. Felix kicked him so hard in the crotch Dustin was groaning in pain and letting go. Seeing his chance arise, he stroke his attacker a second time with the radio in hand, and shoved him against the bookshelves to watch the hundred magazines and books collapse all over him. 

 

"FUCK!” He heard him shout in pain. “FELIX!”

 

Felix didn't look behind. He just ran. He ran as fast as he could, and didn't stop until he was home.

 

 

 

**…**

 

 

 

He called in sick for a day, then a day turned into two days, then two days turned into a week. Before he knew it, Felix was locking himself up with no more desire to set foot outside his apartment.

 

After what happened he couldn’t bring himself to leave the house anymore. He ran out of food, but cared less for he barely touched it to begin with. By the end of the week his ribcage has grown visible over his skin and so did his prominent cheekbones. He developed chronic exhaustion and suffered from nausea, so he put himself in bed for the majority of the day, only leaving when necessary.

 

Once and then his phone would ring with a call from a worried Amy or a text message from a remorseful Jack, but those were soon lost between the thread of threats Dustin made sure to send him from at least ten different numbers, reminding him that he was out there and he was still after him. In the end, Felix tossed his phone somewhere around the apartment where he could no longer find it.

 

On Thursday Amy came to visit him. Her voice was clear in the hallway where she was asking the old woman next door if she had seen him, to which the woman replied with a confused ‘Felix who?’. Felix wasn’t surprised she didn’t recognize him. He always made sure to avoid his neighbors.

 

Five knocks later, Amy gave up and left. She returned the next day while Felix was still asleep, and left him a letter. Felix wasn’t happy waking up to an envelope under his door, but noticing the different names scribbled upon it, especially Amy’s taking up almost half of the front cover, it gave him enough courage to pick it up and tear it open.

 

He pulled out a fluorescent blue card that glittered under the light and upon which the letters ‘Get Well Soon’ were largely displayed. Unfolding it, Felix read the hand-written text inside.

 

_Dear Felix,_

_How is your health? Are you feeling any better? I dropped by yesterday but you were probably asleep. You also stopped answering your messages and calls so I got a bit worried._

_Jack and Mark came by the shop yesterday and asked about you. I said you were down with the flu and they seemed even more worried. Make sure to let them know you're all right!_

_Everyone misses you! Emma, Brad and Michael won’t stop asking about you and they came up with the idea of getting you this card. I still agree with Michael though, the glitter is a bit too much. Yet Emma and Brad insisted it was perfect. It might be because I told Emma about the bet but, hey, you don't hate me for it, do you? I swear they’re a-okay with you being gay and they still love you just as much! So don’t murder me, okay? Good!_

_Dave sends you his best. We're still dealing with the damage done by that burglary from last week, but aside from that, the shop's up and running as usual._

_I think this was about it. This is just to let you know how much we care about you, and we can’t wait for you to get better and come back to us soon!_

_With love,_

_Amy_

_PS: You were right. Mark remembers me!!!!!! I can die in peace now_

Reaching the end of the letter brought a little smile back on Felix’s face. He missed his friends, he truly did.

 

But he couldn't leave his apartment. Just not yet.

 

 

...

 

 

A couple hours later, Felix was waking up to the sound of someone knocking on his door. His tired blue eyes adjusted to the clock on the night stand but he couldn’t make much of it. Was his eyesight always this bad? He doesn't even remember falling asleep to begin with. 

 

The knocking persisted, and Felix ignored it. He felt nauseated so he hid himself back under his blanket and forced his eyes shut, hoping the knocking would stop and whoever that was would just go away.

 

But it didn't.

 

There were voices rising outside, familiar tones interacting with each other. They resonated through the walls of the apartment and soon some of their words were reaching his ears.

 

“…And you waited until now to tell me about this?” Mark distinctly exclaimed, voice furiously bold. Felix had never heard him get this angry before. “Are you fucking serious right now?”

 

“I’m sorry!” Jack defensively squealed, his voice bearing guilt. “I- I didn’t think it would lead to something like this. If I knew he would hate it that much I would’ve never initiated anything. I just- _Fuck_ , I hate myself so much for it, Mark. You have no _fucking_ idea!”

 

“ _Jesus fucking Christ, Jack_ ”

 

There was a silence following that overheard argument, and it stretched long enough Felix hoped the two had left, then Mark’s voice, soft and smooth, proved him wrong.

 

“Felix? Are you in there? It’s Mark. Please open the door.”

 

Felix trembled violently. His body temperature was dropping and his nausea was getting worse. The pain in his stomach was getting unbearable. He had to use the bathroom. But if he moved or as much as stepped into the corridor Jack and Mark would hear him.

 

_Just go._

 

_Just go, please._

 

“Felix” called Mark again, knuckles bumping against the wooden door for the hundredth time. “Please open up. We just want to make sure you’re okay. Jack wants to apologize for what happened, too,  and I want to make sure he does it right.”

 

“ _Felix_ , _please, I’m sorry…_ ” Jack begged with a low, desperate tone that had Felix swear he was on the verge of crying.

 

_Why was Jack apologizing?_

_Why was Mark caring?_

 

_Why wouldn’t they just leave?_

 

_Why?_

 

_My stomach hurts._

 

His stomach turned and he couldn't hold it back any longer. Felix pushed himself off the bed and dashed through the corridor to reach the bathroom located at the left side of the main door. He bent down over the toilet seat and waited. The urge was there, he could feel it, but he hadn’t eaten anything for days, and nothing was coming out. The staggering pain persisted, however, and Felix developed an acute headache from it. The loud banging at his door, as Jack and Mark heard him inside and were now confident he was avoiding them on purpose, was soon disappearing behind the sharp ringing sound in his ears. His left eye went practically black and his entire body was aching.

 

He attempted a long deep drag of air, failing to hold it in, then remembered the painkillers Amy bought for him last time. He raised himself up with difficulty and leaned over the sink to catch a breath. He searching through the shelves of the mirror cabinet and the medicine bottle came to sight. He quickly swallowed a pill and waited.

 

The pain didn't stop, if anything, it got worse. Now his heart was hurting and he felt like he was about to faint.

 

His eyes went to the bottle again. One was perhaps not enough. He shook the box and a dozen pills came rushing out onto his palm.

 

The front door banged louder, and the handle was repeatedly twisted.

 

“Felix, we know you’re in there. Please open the door!” 

 

Felix’s eyes lingered on the pills laying on his palm. He wondered what would happen if he swallowed all of them at once.

 

_Would it stop the pain?_

 

_Would it stop it once and for all?_

 

He dragged his hand steadily towards his mouth, and with a swift movement, he popped the pills in. He felt the taste dissolve against his tongue, disgusting yet endearing. When he raised his eyes, it was to his own reflection on the mirror.

 

 _“Do it”_  urged the reflection, and without thinking twice, Felix swallowed.

 

At that exact moment the front door burst open and Mark and Jack rushed in. At their sight, Felix's eyes widened in shock. 

 

_What the hell was he doing?_

 

Next thing he was kneeling back in front of the toilet seat, shoving a finger down his throat and forcing every last bit of that poison out of his system.

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gorilla Pulp - The Low Song
> 
> https://gorillapulp.bandcamp.com/track/the-low-song


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last, at last, some fluff !
> 
> This chapter made me feel relaxed, and I hope you get to experience the same comfort while reading it.

 

 

Felix was nestled underneath three layers of sommer blankets sitting on his bedroom bed. He sipped out of his warm mug, the content of which was a mixture of herbal tea Mark prepared for him, insisting it would help with his stomachache. He occasionally glanced at the bedroom door left ajar.

 

Jack and Mark were in the kitchen. Their voices were kept low, and Felix was unable to discern any of the spoken words. There was also a rich smell in the air, and his stomach was growling at the thought of food.

 

A couple minutes later their conversation ceased and Mark returned to the bedroom.

 

“Anyone here hungry?” He cheerfully announced while diligently carrying a trey with the palm of his hand. “’Cause this homemade secret specialty made with love will blow your mind!”

 

Mark approached the bed and eyed the content of Felix's mug. He had finished it a second ago, and was too shy to ask for a second serve. The strong flavor of herbal tea helped wash away the bitter taste the pills left lingering in his tongue, and successfully appeased his stomach.

 

Mark beamed at the sight.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, now for the main course” He continued, gracefully placing the trey on Felix’s lap. Felix laid his eyes on the content with curiosity. Now that the pain had eased, he was starving, ready to feast on whatever it was Mark had gone out of his way to prepare.

 

“Rice and chicken soup” Mark then introduced, “Well-spiced and savory, and of course with a hint of Mamma Mark’s secret ingredient” He added with a wink. “This particular recipe works wonders on an upset stomach all while tasting like Heaven’s finest. Without further ado, please go ahead. Feast upon this masterpiece of a dish and don’t forget to tip your waitress- No wait. Wrong line. I meant the thing with complimenting the chef, but whatever.”

 

A soft burst of air escaped Felix’s nose in a chuckle and he could see Mark’s eyes soften at the sight. He focused on his meal, the smell of which alone was driving him to salivate. He picked up a fork and tried a mouthful of both rice and chicken. It wasn't long before his throat was blissfully purring at the exquisite flavor. The mixture of sweet and sour and the tenderness of the chicken as it perfectly melted in his mouth was fantastic. Good god, it has been ages since he last ate something this good. He’s been living off instant noodles for so long he forgot how delightful homemade meals were. One bite engaged another, and Felix was half-way done with his dish when he first realized he was being stared at.

 

Raising his glance, he met Mark’s chocolate brown irises. His lips curved in an affectionate smile and his eyebrows, half-concealed by his messy red-hued hair that elegantly fell over his forehead, rose in pure awe. Felix understood he was expressing appreciation in watching him enjoy what he made, but being stared at so thoroughly by Mark of all people made him self-consciously shy. 

 

He was about to thank him, when Jack entered the room.

 

“Door's fixed” He announced, standing at the doorstep.

 

“Good job” Mark reacted. “I went a bit too hard on it, didn’t I?”

 

“Honestly wouldn’t want to think about what could’ve happened if you didn’t” Jack indicated, blatant about what he was meaningfully hinting at. Felix's gaze was lowered.

 

“I’m sorry”

 

“What for?”

 

“Jack, _don’t_."

 

“Don’t what?” Jack flared up at Mark’s protest. “If Felix has something to tell us, it’s about damn time. Can't risk waiting another day."

 

Felix’s eyes expanded at the sight of an utmost angered expression on Jack's face.

 

“We know” Jack continued, his frown falling deep towards his nose. “Mark and I looked around the house while you were out of it from the pills. We found the letter and your phone. We saw the messages, Felix. That asshole's threats. We _know_ what happened to you that night. What's been happening to you all along.”

 

To Felix’s shock, Mark was guiltily fishing the familiar smartphone out of his pocket, muttering an apology as he laid it down on the bed beside him.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us?!” Jack broke out into a yell, breaking Felix’s heart with guilt. “Why didn’t you trust us to help you, Felix? I called you that night and you just fucking lied to me, you said you were fine when you weren’t, when that asshole was onto you. What the hell were you thinking?"

 

“I-I'm sorry, I just-” Felix’s lips trembled. He was in acquisition of no reason that could possibly forgive his selfish actions. His hands squeezing around the edges of the trey and eyes beginning to tear up, Felix felt guilty. He felt so terribly guilty.

 

“You could’ve just said something, anything” Jack muttered, his voice squeaking and breaking. Just like Felix, he was on the verge of tears. “One word, Felix, and I would’ve been there for you. I could've killed the guy if I had to. Just one single word. But no, you didn't trust me, instead, you just did your thing and locked yourself up and god fucking knows what would’ve happened if we didn’t-“

 

“ _Jack, that’s enough_.”

 

When Felix dared to raise his eyes again, Mark was on his feet. His hand held a grip of Jack's shoulder. Jack bitterly brushed it off, then turned around to storm out of the room.

 

“ _I was scared_ ” Felix cried out, his eyesight blurring with tears. “I was scared you’d think I’m disgusting, or that I’m paranoid or crazy. I- I didn’t mean to _-"_

 

His incoherent words were barely audible between his violent hiccups. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. All of the pain and sadness he had been bottling up for months on end came flooding at once and he just couldn’t stop it anymore. His eyes and nose were covered with tears and his face must’ve looked terrible. While he was struggling to wipe it off with soaked sleeves, the weight of the trey was lifted off his lap and a soft palm came pressing against the back of his head, gently pulling him against a firm and warm chest. Before he knew, Mark was embracing him and the flow of his tears only increased.

 

 _“I’m- s-sorry”_ he uttered repeatedly over and over again. Mark's hold tightened delicately around him.

 

“Hey, it’s all okay now. Everything’s okay, so let it all out.”

 

And so he did. With Mark's warmth surrounding him and his kind hand brushing his back, Felix cried and cried, until his throat turned sore and his eyes were red, he cried until the last drop of tears came out and the hiccups were gone. When he was done, his body experienced a rush of relaxation and sweet comfort that lulled him to sleep. His exhausted eyelids fluttered one last time in the back of Jack's van as Mark helped him in, and the moment the car drove off, he fell into an irresistible sleep.

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

There was certain comfort in coming clean about everything, to open up and trust others with his darkest secrets. It was as if a heavy weight was lifted off his shoulder, and for the first time in a long while, Felix was spread over the couch in Mark’s spacious living room, watching TV with a bowl of popcorn on his lap, and he felt completely _safe_.

 

He decided to start watching _Stranger Things_ on Netflix, a show he'd been curious about. Halfway through the first episode, Mark and Jack were returning downstairs with loud chatter, in the middle of discussing some paper sheets Mark was waving around and pointing at. Lyrics and guitar tabs for some upcoming song, if Felix heard right.

 

“Practice tomorrow at five. Don’t be late. We slacked off enough this week” Mark finished by handing Jack the papers. “Take these with you and make a copy for PJ.”

 

“Got it.” Jack nodded with an earnest look. He tucked the received papers inside his backpack and uttered the next words in a lower tone. Felix realized he wasn't supposed to hear them. “You’ll be okay around him on your own? I can call in sick to work and-”

 

“He's fine, Jack” Mark assured. “He’s doing much better now. He's just going to have dinner and get some rest. We’ll discuss all of this tomorrow with the others.”

 

Felix frowned. What others?

 

“You should probably ask him about it first”

 

“I will” Mark agreed. “More importantly. Didn’t you forget something?”

 

Jack took a long deep breath and exhaled with a little nod. Felix panicked as he watched him turn towards the living room and walk his way  to the couch he was occupying. He had to pretend to be too engrossed by the show to notice his arrival. 

 

Jack didn't utter a single word initially. He stiffly stood himself at the side of the couch with his palms frequently rubbing against the fabric of his jeans. He glimpsed towards Mark twice before he decided to open his mouth at last.

 

“ _I'm sorry_ ” He said. The anger from earlier had dissipated from his tone, now leaving room to a layer of guilt. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. You didn’t do anything wrong to begin with. You just wanted to leave us out of your problems and I get it now. It’s just that part of me couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to you. I panicked and- Anyway” He then shyly rose his blue eyes towards him. “We’re friends, Felix. I want you to remember that. And I don't know about you, but in my dictionary, friends are supposed to be there for each other through thick and thin. So please promise not to hide anything from us anymore."

 

Felix knew better than anyone that Jack did him no wrong. He deserved to be yelled at for not calling for help when he was supposed to. If anything, Felix was angry at himself.

 

"I promise, but" Felix started. He was noticing how Jack was rubbing his palms against his jeans even harder and he couldn't help it. “Your sweaty Irish hands are giving me anxiety."

 

Before he knew it, Jack was reaching out and ruffling his blond hair into a mess. When he stopped and Felix was allowed to look up again, Jack’s cheeks were painted with a heavy shade of red.

 

“Say that again about my hands, you Swedish meatball, I dare you!” He muttered under his breath, then he was turning around and bashfully fleeing the living room to stop at the door where Mark was waiting with crossed arms and a big grin on his face.

 

“Oh, fuck off, Mark”

 

“I didn’t say anything” Mark objected, eyebrows pushed up.

 

“You were thinking it. So fuck off.” Jack mumbled as he passed him by, twisting the doorknob open.

 

“You have a great evening, too, Jack”

 

The red-head joyfully waved his embarrassed friend goodbye and closed the door behind him. Felix heard the whirring of the van outside take off. As it drove away, the purring sound was replaced by the dead silence of a suburban night, and just like that Jack was gone.

 

 

...

 

 

 

An hour went by since. Mark returned from his shower to find Felix horizontally stretched on the couch with his legs perched up on the headboard. He thought he was asleep until his hand moved and he was popping what was left of his popcorn in his mouth.

 

“Fourth episode already?” Mark mentioned as he eased himself next to Felix’s feet, not minding them one bit. “I told you, you’re going to be binge-watching this ‘till the very end."

 

“It keeps getting better” Felix announced with expressive eyes. “I didn’t expect to get suddenly hooked after the third episode”

 

“The Christmas light bulbs scene, right? That one made me tear up" Mark admitted, sinking in his seat. 

 

“Same!” Felix glowed. "It really got me."

 

He still had bags under his eyes due to the constant stress and lack of sleep, and his body had unhealthily thinned out compared to when he last saw him, but Felix at least appeared happier than how they found him this morning. Mark's worry was subtly eased, yet not entirely erased.

 

“Don’t ever tell Jack" He pointed out, eyeing the TV "He’ll tease you about it until the end of your days. Speaking from experience.”

 

There was a delightful giggle coming from the man sitting by his side. Mark thought he should make him laugh more often.

 

“So, how about you pause this and watch the rest after your shower?” He suggested, reaching for the remote control lying on the coffee table. “Bathtub’s full and ready. I’ll make us dinner in the meantime.”

 

"Sounds great" Felix nodded in compliance, standing up. "Oh fuck."

 

Mark eyed him alarmingly.

 

“I forgot my bag in Jack’s car” He clarified with expanded crystal blue eyes. “My clothes were in there.”

 

“That’s fine. You can just borrow mine” Mark suggested with a relieved wave of a hand. “My room’s on the third floor. First one to the right. Feel free to pick whatever you like there."

 

Felix thanked him and rushed out of the living room, soon to be disappearing upstairs. Mark found himself smiling fondly at the Swede's new-born enthusiasm. He paused the episode he was in the middle of watching and walked to the kitchen.

 

Brushing a hand against the wall, he triggered a switch and the light was turned on. The kitchen was Mark's favorite place in the house. It was clean, organized and pleasantly aromatic. The dominance of the color white on the cabinets, cupboards and kitchen counter and bar enhanced the space in both brightness and width.

 

Mark loved cooking. It eased his mind and pleased his stomach. He found happiness in creating something new, the aroma and taste of which differs according to the ingredients used. To him, it could be compared to an adventure that needn't travelling to reach the desired fulfillment.

 

However, on this special day, Mark expressed a certain rush of excitement at the thought of sharing his meal with somebody else. Usually, when Jack and PJ are around, he's too busy practicing to find time to prepare dinner, and PJ never fails to bring alcohol and snacks along, calling it his favorite evening food. Mark eventually gave up on trying to talk his friends into a healthier life style, and just went along with their questionable habits. 

 

Mark approached the cupboard in the far left and opened it. There were several recipe books inside, and flipping through the pages of the last one he bought, he decided Felix deserved the best culinary experience, so he put it back down and opted for his favorite french recipe: The Pot-au-feu.  

 

He could hear Felix's lively footsteps descend to the second floor where his bath awaited him. Mark made a mental note of the time in hand before the Swede would be finished. If anything, he would hate making him wait.

 

The meal's recipe in mind, his pineapple-printed apron around his waist, Mark was ready to start. In the next half an hour he managed to slice the vegetables into pieces, and boil the beef shanks in a large pot on middle heat until it turned tender. Felix took plenty of time in the shower, and only an hour later did Mark hear him make way downstairs. By then, the vegetables were boiling along with the rest of the ingredients inside the covered pot, left to simmer on a low fire. 

 

When he made appearance in the kitchen Mark was busy serving the plates on the table. He raised a pleasant glance towards him, and took his time dragging his stare over his clothing. He wore a red sweater that was too large on the sides yet somehow the perfect fit around the hem and sleeves. He also had Mark's favorite pair of black and white sweatpants on, and Mark didn't expect himself to enjoy its sight on somebody else's body as much as he did right now. With his slender figure and attractive features, Mark thought Felix could pull off anything he throws on himself.

 

“Dinner's almost ready" Mark welcomed him back with a smile, his hands returning to the task in hand. “How was your bath? Water was not too cold I hope.”

 

“It was so huge I nearly drowned, but totally worth it.” He announced in a light mood. Returning with glasses and a bottle of water, Mark watched him sit around the table and jump on the glass of water he had just poured him. "Thanks. I was dying!"

 

Felix's hair was still damp and smelled of Mark's flowery shampoo, his cheeks and lips were a darker shade of pink than usual, and he looked so relaxed his eyelids heavily fell with each slow blink he took. Attractive? That he was, Mark mentally affirmed one more time.

 

"By the way, how do you not get lost around here? This place’s huge.” Felix wondered. He was more talkative than earlier, which was definitely a good sign.

 

“Force of habit” Mark replied, returning to the kitchen counter to put his apron away and pick up the casserole. He turned the stove off and returned to the table to carefully serve the hot stew on each of their plates. “I lived here since I was fourteen.”

 

“God, this looks amazing” Felix's eyes widened at the sight of his serve. “Right, so, what about before that? Where did you live?”

 

“Eat up, I made a large amount." He encouraged, expressing joy in both bringing a smile to the Swede's face and having his meal praised by him. "I was born in Hawaii. I lived there all the way until middle school" Mark continued, seating himself across the table. “Then Dad got a new job and we had to move here. I have to admit it was a disappointment at first. You know, to force a fourteen year-old city boy to downgrade to a small town can be the equivalent of a messy teenage rebellious phase. I couldn’t fit in at all. I hated everyone and everyone hated me. I was so angry and stubborn, and had no friends until I got into high school and met Jack and PJ. The two changed the anger I expressed towards the town entirely. My parents had yet again to move overseas for work, but I decided to stay here. I told them I was starting a band and as expected, they didn’t take me seriously. They're the sort of parents who expect their child to finish college, get a degree, get married and have kids, you know, the whole package.”

 

“You don’t want to have that?” Felix curiously asked and Mark lifted up his eyes towards him. His mouth was full yet he was eagerly stuffing more potatoes in. Is it acceptable for a man his age to still be considered adorable? Because Mark thought he was.

 

“I already do” He easily revealed, stretching a smirk at the surprised Swede. “I’m married to Rock music, and we have a new baby album on the way. And let me tell you, I’m the proudest Papa.”

 

“Jesus” Felix let out a muffled laugh. “You’re a nerd.”

 

Mark chuckled. Getting called a nerd by this man was like a compliment. Reminding himself of their plans, he pointed at Felix’s plate with his fork.

 

“Come on, eat up. I want to show you something.”

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

After their dinner, or _exquisite meal_ , as Felix called it after he had finished two servings and hesitated on a third due to his stomach slightly bloating, Felix insisted on helping Mark clear up the table and start the dishwasher. During that time, Felix was opening up and issuing more details about his life in Sweden. They talked about cooking, and Felix told Mark stories about the three times he nearly burned the house down and the fourth his mom banned him out of the kitchen. It was refreshing to hear him talk about something as personal as his memories, Mark was curious about his past, but he would never force him to disclose any details he wasn't comfortable with.

 

Felix followed him to the back veranda afterwards, where Mark configured the lighting system of the pool to have it shimmer with sparkling nuances of red, green and blue, one hue switching after the other every five minutes. Felix didn't get to see this on his last visit, and Mark thought it was a good change.

 

“This is amazing!” The Swede declared with wide eyes. Mark sat himself down on the couch and rested his legs over the coffee table. He picked the acoustic guitar he leaves nearby and started plucking its strings.

 

“Now name a song” Mark asked, head tilting suggestively. “Any song. I’ll play it for you.”

 

Felix stood still for a second. Mark couldn't read his expression, but he seemed to have understood what this was all about.

 

“Mark” He called his name softly, then seated himself right beside him, melancholic baby blue eyes falling on him, accompanied by the tiniest smile and words that came out in a relaxed sigh. “I’m fine.”

 

Mark's eyebrows furrowed. Felix went on.

 

“I appreciate you doing this, all of it” Felix carried on, waving his hands around and pointing at the pool water that reflected a deeper blue by now. “But I’m fine. I really am. I won’t be doing anything stupid any time soon. I promise _._ ”

 

Felix looked far from sure of his own words, but he wasn't fooling anyone. Mark understood him by now. The way he isolated his hurting self in the dark cell of his mind and only allowed his happy persona out there, proving to those around him what he couldn't prove to himself. Felix was far from fine and Mark knew that.

 

With a grip of the guitar neck and a pick between the tip of his fingertips, Mark started playing the first chords of the song. He wasn't entirely sure he remembered the lyrics, but as soon as his lips parted the words figured themselves out on their own. 

 

“ _I, I can’t deny, I’m paralyzed from the inside_ ” Mark’s voice smoothly sang along as his fingers moved to play the guitar chords accordingly. “ _Every day I wake to feel the same_.”

 

Felix developed a frown, and Mark knew he wasn't fond of being ignored. 

 

“ _And every time you ask me how I’m feeling_ ” He purred, his brown eyes catching Felix’s. “ _I just smile and tell you that I’m fine_ ”

 

Felix fell silent, and so did his stare. He looked guilty, but Mark couldn't stop just yet.

 

“ _I, I don’t know why, I’m terrified of everything_ ” He continued, holding the same voice range, his glance piercing right through his listener just like the words he was singing. “ _Just to call the doctor seems daunting. For most of my life I felt a sharp uncertainty, now it’s just become a part of me_.”

 

“Mark, can you not?” Felix suddenly muttered. He was squeezing the hem of his sweater so tight his knuckles turned pale.

 

“What, you don’t like it? Thought it was your choice” Mark halted at last, facing a confused Swede. “I said give me a song name. You said I'm fine. That’s the only _I’m fine_ song I know.”

 

Felix was muted. He didn’t know how to respond. He was probably searching for a way to flee this conversation altogether, looking to wear back that false smile he was forcing earlier. Mark's frown was prominent now. He didn't hesitate to move his palm and rest it on top of the Swede's shaky hand.

 

“I care about you, Felix” Mark finally admitted. He leaned over his guitar, his demeanor turning earnest with every word that left him. “I won’t sit here and pretend everything is fine just because you smiled and said that you were. I know you’re hurting, and I know it takes time to heal. But that won’t happen unless _you_ let yourself heal.”

 

Mark felt his hand relax underneath his own. Felix's eyes were still fixing his lap, and Mark realized he was staring at their joined hands. 

 

“Mystery Girl” He quietly suggested, raising his head back up. “That’s the first song I heard from The Rock Killers. I want you to sing that for me.”

 

Mark’s lips stretched into a bright smile.

 

“Right away, chief” He eagerly nodded, retrieving his hand and returning back to his guitar chords.

 

They spent the majority of their evening out on the back porch with Mark singing a variety of radio hits while Felix was curled under a blanket with his head resting against the couch’s headboard, resisting the sweet urge of being lulled to sleep. Mark didn't want to keep him up this late, but each time he mentioned the time, Felix suggested a new song, and he was beginning to question the fact that he could be avoiding it on purpose. 

 

“It’s almost midnight” Mark conveyed, eyeing the displayed time on his phone. Jack had texted him quite a few times in between, asking how Felix was doing, which he accordingly replied to. “Quick swim before bed? What do you say?”

 

Seemingly tired, Felix shook his head, but Mark was already putting his guitar aside, so he couldn't just suggest something else for him to sing. Mark watched him rub his eyes and abandon his blanket on the couch to lazily stretch before standing up.

 

“I’ll watch” He said.

 

“Are you sure?” Mark asked, standing up along. “I mean that's all right too, so suit yourself.”

 

Right after he kicked off his pants Mark jumped in and swam to the other side of the pool and back again. The comforting water was doing him good, and moving around helped with his blood flow. Looking back at the veranda, Felix had his sweatpants rolled up to his knees, and he was now sitting by the poolside, dangling his feet in the water.

 

Watching him from afar stroke a lingering loneliness in him, one that sent his mind racing in thoughts and speculations. So far he had managed to keep himself away from imagining what Felix could've possibly gone through. Both in Sweden and here, the past he never shared with neither him nor Jack. The part of Felix's life he probably spent on his own, trapped in his own mind, trying to save himself. 

 

Jack wasn't the only one who thought about killing Dustin, Mark fantasized about it as well earlier in the day when Jack showed him Dustin's threats. He wanted to erase him just like he erased those messages off the Swede's phone, but Mark was the wisest of the two, and he knew better. What Felix needed right now wasn't more pain and blood. What he needed right now was someone to care for him and protect him, someone to make him feel like he's worth more than he believes he does, and Mark was ready, from their very first meeting, to give all of that to him.

 

One second he was swimming laps from one side of the pool to the other, the next Mark was resurfacing right in front of the Swede. The water around him rose to Felix's level, and some of it soaked the edge of his pants, sending him to jump in his seat.

 

“Jesus christ Mark!” Felix cried out, startled. “You scared the crap out of me”

 

“You’re not watching and I’m offended” Mark complained, a soft frown displayed over his forehead. When really, he just wanted his attention more than anything.

 

He was at reach, his blond hair contrasting beautifully with the red shade the pool lights were slowly fading into. His chest heaved with dragged air as the water droplets spiraled down his neck skin, finding trajectory down under the sweater where Mark couldn't see further. Felix was calm, and he was looking at him with those stunning eyes that had his breath hitch in mysterious ways.

 

“My bad” Felix protested with a shrug. “Is that why you gave me a heart attack for? To make me watch you?"

 

“I invited your friends over tomorrow” Mark suddenly changed the course of their conversation, carrying on before Felix could say a word. “Before you get angry at me, hear me out first. We visited Amy at the shop yesterday and she seemed to be sick worried about you, and so are the others. You need all the help you can get right now, Felix, and these people are ready to offer it.”

 

Felix's lips hesitated to part, but then words flowed easily past them.

 

“I’m not angry at you, Mark” Felix consoled with a short sigh.

 

"You're not?" Mark echoed with blatant surprise. The scene played out entirely different in his mind.

 

"I overheard you talking to Jack earlier, and I figured it out myself" He revealed, leaning back on his hands and tilting his head slightly to the side. “You and Jack were right. I should learn to trust my friends more. I grew up being afraid of asking for help, and I got used to keeping walls around myself. Jack had all the right to get angry at me earlier. I should’ve trusted you guys and asked for your help instead of locking myself up in that apartment. So yes, I think you're right. I think the others deserve to know. Amy will definitely kick my ass for not telling her earlier, but she won't hesitate to be there for me, I'm sure of it."

 

Mark's smile was widening with every word he was hearing.

 

“You’re finally letting yourself heal. I’m such a proud Mama.”

 

“Oh jeez, can you be any cheesier?” Felix shook his head in disbelief, his cheeks tinting a soft shade of red, and it wasn't the color of the pool light this time. “We should go to bed, it’s getting pretty late.”

 

"Yeah, we should." He agreed, and then the two returned back inside the house.

 

As Mark anticipated, Felix suffered from dreadful nightmares. He showed up at Mark's door in the middle of the night and Mark invited him in. He didn't mind sharing his bed, and he has done so on numerous occasions, but there was a lingering feeling he particularly expressed towards Felix at that moment, the silent desire of wanting to reach out and lace his arms around his frail body, to keep him warm, close and safe.

As his soft features relaxed and Felix faded to sleep, Mark understood that the feeling he has been expressing all along was none other than love. 

 

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hazel English - I'm Fine 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N10ExiFYsG0


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for this very late (yet long) chapter.
> 
> The start of 2018 is a roller coaster of responsibilities for me. I am juggling between a brand new job, deadlines, close exams, and planning a move out. So do forgive me for the slow updates! 
> 
> Good news: Starting next month I'm free to enjoy my semester holidays, which means more time in hand to spend writing. I'm looking forward to it, as I have a long-awaited plot around the corner that I'm finally going to be able to focus on writing down.
> 
> That aside, enjoy the read.

 

 

He was an affectionate person by nature. Subtle physical contact around friends and family was his main mean to communicate the love and care he expressed towards them. It was part of his personality even, of who he was. Over the past year, and with Dustin’s passage in his life, he developed the habit of associating physical intimacy with physical and emotional abuse, and therefore ever since, he revoked all that involved the breach of personal space.

 

That particular morning, however, as Felix awakened in the warm hold of Mark’s arms, that bit began to change.

 

Head nestled in the crook of the sleeping man’s neck, their bodies pressed warmly under their shared blanket, Felix was half-awake, his eyelids barely open, and his respiration slow and steady. Breathing in, he inhaled the scent of the one he was sharing the bed with; A flowery fragrance mixed with rich bodily musk. There was a soothing and nostalgic comfort to the current setting, and Felix’s desire to maintain that proximity was persistent.

 

With a tired mind, he tried remembering the details of yesterday night. How so much had happened in the course of the day he fell in the guestroom bed in exhaustion, yet with Dustin haunting his mind, sleep was impossible to achieve. Although physically safe, those dark thoughts that had accompanied him throughout the course of the past week weren't about to simply fade away, and Felix suffered from restlessness for hours long, until he couldn’t take it a second longer. 

 

He was utterly desperate when he stood at Mark’s bedroom door. His mind ached with anguish and his body craved a piece of comfort and ease, which was exactly what Mark provided after inviting him in. There was a singular intimacy in the act of sharing a bed with someone he was slowly growing to trust. And in that moment those dark thoughts crawled back to where they came from, and before he knew, Felix had fallen asleep.

 

What Felix couldn't remember now, however, was how he winded up moving all the way from his side of the bed to Mark's, and how the man so eagerly welcomed him in his embrace.

 

The man in question slowly shifted. His head lazily moved to bury his nose in Felix’s bed hair. Felix heard him drag in a deep breath, taking in his scent the same way he did his a moment earlier. The hand around his waist carefully pulled back, leaving a cold loneliness on the spot where it previously laid. With a tired glance, Felix met the familiar pair of half-lid brown hues glancing down at him. Somewhere within floated a hint of fondness he was now noticing for the first time.

 

"Morning, Felix" Mark murmured quietly. His morning voice an octave lower than usual. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up” 

 

As bright as he was, it took Felix a second to adjust to the sight of him. His hair was covering the entirety of his forehead, a messy bundle of red and subtle black roots that were only visible from up close. His scruffy beard had slightly thickened overnight and his parted lips and cheeks maintained their natural coral tint. Felix’s eyes lingered a tad longer than intended, searching for something; Something that was making Mark shine brighter than usual.

 

“Morning” Felix finally replied, his vocal chords scratchy and raw. “Sorry too”

 

Mark raised a questioning eyebrow. His lips maintained their smile, and he appeared to be scrutinizing every bit of Felix’s face.

 

“God knows how many beds are in this house and I’m here almost kicking you out of yours” Felix shamelessly conveyed. Mark was, in fact, at the edge of the bed, and Felix was to blame.

 

“You’re always welcome to kick me out of my bed” Mark assured with ease. “Haven’t had the chance to share it in a while"

 

Tired ocean blue irises suddenly sparkled at that revelation.

 

“What about whoever you’re dating?” He blatantly asked, his morning mind too lazy to filter most of his probing thoughts.

 

“I’m not dating anyone at the moment” Mark answered with honesty.

 

“Seriously?” Felix nearly shouted. He lifted up his body and sank his elbows into the bed to watch Mark with wide eyes.

 

“Is it that surprising?” Mark chuckled, amused by Felix's reaction.

 

“Yes it is! Have you seen how many fans you have?” Felix replied with a tone of utter disbelief. Were Mark’s standards unbelievably high or was he just not interested in a relationship? Because Felix cannot imagine anyone turning him down. I mean, this is _fucking_ Mark, after all.

 

“I guess I’m too invested in the band to notice. Besides, I already have someone in sight” He informed, filling a chunk of Felix’s curiosity, but reopening an entirely bigger slot.

 

“Who is it?” Felix asked without hesitance. Some guts he had in the morning.

 

“Curious, huh?” Mark teased, lips stretching into a thin smile. There was a lingering yearning that appeared in his gaze for a second, and in his eyes Felix saw the reflection of his own face, clear in those expanding irises.

 

Who could it be?

 

 

A fan?

  
  
A friend?

 

Felix wanted to know.

 

A loud ringtone echoed and Mark’s attention was disrupted. He reached for the nightstand and brought his phone to his ear, then excused himself briefly before leaving the bed.

 

“Hi, Jack. You’re early. What chorus? Don’t tell me you lost the papers again. Jesus Christ, hold on” He exasperatedly sighed as he slid his feet into the slippers and distanced himself from the bed. “Get a pen and paper and thank me later”

 

Felix followed his figure as it strolled past the wind-caressed white curtains to disappear in the balcony, where his voice was reduced to unintelligible chatter. Laying on the bed still, Felix caught glimpses in between each blow of the wind that carried the curtain’s weight along with it, unraveling the well-shaped body of the man standing behind, his back facing him, and his last words replayed in his head.

 

_Besides, I already have someone in sight._

 

His head rested upon the side of the pillow Mark was occupying. It was still warm, and as he went through possible answers to his own question, Felix dazed back into sleep.

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

He woke up to a closed balcony and no sign of Mark around the bedroom. He lazily stretched for minutes long, then lifted the blanket off at last. He rested his feet on the floor and pushed his weight up. Strange how this exact motion deemed impossible to achieve a day ago.

 

In comparison to the one on the second floor, Mark’s personal bathroom was smaller in size and lacked a bathtub, but it had most of Mark’s personal products. Curious as he was, Felix jumped under the shower and tried the set of different shower gels that varied from strong masculine odors to sweet and flowery fragrances. He hoped Mark wouldn’t mind him going through his belongings, especially the cabinet where his deodorants and perfumes were neatly arranged, among which were expensive brand names Felix easily recognized.

 

His mind refocused on their earlier conversation. With Mark not giving him a name, Felix’s curiosity was left insatiable. He wondered what kind of person it was Mark was interested in. Knowing how locally famous he was and with his stunning looks and gentle personality, anyone would be smitten in seconds. They must be a lucky person, Felix admitted at last, while fiddling with the content of the cabinet above the sink. He accidentally knocked a bottle of pills down on the floor, then clumsily picked it up and lifted it to eye-level. Scrutinizing the label, he read _Anxiety Medication_ written at the bottom. Of course he knew Mark had anxiety, as he mentioned it since their very first meeting, but Felix knew nothing about the symptoms’ severity.

 

He placed the bottle back where it belonged and closed the cabinet to carry on drying his hair in front of the mirror in thought. He wondered if Mark ever experienced anxiety attacks on stage. Did the medication work for him? Do Jack and PJ know about it? Come to think of it, with his composed features, it was impossible to notice the slightest of irregularities in his general mood. Or perhaps Felix just didn’t known him that well. That last thought had him strangely bitter.

 

After hastily rummaging through the wardrobe racks for pieces of clothing to fit into, Felix rushed down to the first floor. By the time he set foot at the living room entrance, an echoing guitar reached his ear, discontinuously interrupted. Looking around, he saw Mark sitting on the couch, back arched while he bent over the coffee table with his guitar squeezed between his chest and legs, one hand holding the guitar neck while the other scribbled down on the paper sheet.

 

"Hi" Felix shyly announced.

 

“Look who’s finally awake” Mark replied, cheerful. “Time for a third nap?”

 

“Shut up” Felix moaned harmlessly. He walked across the living room and let his body fall on the armchair across from the couch where Mark was sitting. “What are you doing?”

 

“Working on some lyrics” Mark explained, stopping briefly to address him. “Are you hungry? Breakfast’s on the kitchen table"

 

“I’m fine” Felix said, “I’m not really a breakfast person”

 

“You haven’t been feeding yourself properly for the past few weeks, Felix. You’ve lost a lot of weight and that’s not healthy” Mark started “You _need_ to eat.”

 

“Why do I feel like I’m sitting down with my grandma all of a sudden?” Felix snorted.

 

“I’m a concerned and caring friend” He pointed out. “But I guess those are things I have in common with mother figures”

 

“Are you like this with everyone?” Felix wondered, finding pure joy in successfully driving the conversation away from breakfast. 

 

Mark blinked twice before answering.

 

“You could say so” He insufficiently disclosed, returning back to his paper sheet. 

 

“What about you?” Felix probed.

 

“What about me?” Mark half-heartedly echoed.

 

“Who gets to take care of you?” Felix asked with crossed arms. “Your parents aren’t around, and I’m pretty sure you take care of Jack and PJ and not the other way around"

 

Mark’s eyebrows arched upwards, and he couldn’t help but allow an amused chuckle to escape him.

 

“What is it, Felix?” He finally decided to drop his pen on the table, put his guitar aside and give the Swede his full attention. “What are you trying to ask me, exactly?”

 

“You’re way too caring and kind to me” Felix stated, fixing his gaze on him. “I want to be there for you, too”

 

Mark's eyes seemed to expand in size for a second there, before his expression softened again, and his lips stretched into the warmest smile.

 

“As much as I appreciate the thought, Felix, you really don’t have to” Mark communicated, voice tender and kind. “If anything, taking care of you brings me joy on its own. So why don't you just let me continue doing so?”

 

Felix’s lips parted but his mind was void of arguments. He simply sighed, and decided to not drag this any further.

 

“Breakfast?” 

 

The distraction battle lost, Felix gave up and nodded.

 

 

...

 

 

For the rest of the afternoon, Felix did his best trying to bring up either the subject of Mark’s anxiety or love interest, but the man would always find a way to make it all about Felix. By the time Jack and PJ came knocking at the door for the start of their practice session, it was already five p.m., and the screams of excitement that resonated through the house immediately reminded him that Amy, Emma, Michael and Brad were supposed to be there as well.

 

“Felix!” screamed a happy Amy.

 

Standing up from the couch, Felix received his friend in his arms for a welcoming hug.

 

“How have you been?” She hurriedly asked, her firm hands squeezing each of Felix’s arms as she examined his body. “Did you lose weight? Are you okay? You’re no longer sick, are you?”

 

“I’m fine” He reassured, patting her arms back. “I'm sorry I took a break from the job for this long. You and Dave must be struggling with just the two of you”

 

“Hey, you shush it!” She interrupted, furrowing her eyebrows and pointing her finger at Felix. “The shop is doing just fine, so all you have to worry about is _you_. Was it a flu or a virus? Did you got to see adoctor? You know it could still come back, right? Promise you'll go see a doctor!"

 

 _We’ll bring it up after practice_ , Mark told him earlier. Remembering that, Felix swallowed the truth and nodded. They were moments away from sitting down and hearing about the story from the beginning, and he was at the edge of his seat from the mere thought of it. His eyes escaped towards the living room entrance where Emma, Brad and Michael stood with their eyes wide open, expanding in size the longer they stared at the exotic environment. 

 

“Would you look at that!” Brad exclaimed with his finger pointing towards the TV in the middle of the room, rather large in size. “Now _that_ I want in my future house"

 

“Future house?” Emma scoffed. “What kind of drugs are you on, Brad?”

 

“Damn it, Emma. Can't a man dream?”

 

“Hi Felix!” waved a happy Michael behind the two. Emma and Brad's bickering died as their focus rested on the Swede who was waving back at them.

 

“Felix, hey!” greeted Emma, her hands swinging in the air. “Someone looks healthy! Hey, hey, did you like the card?”

 

“You bet he did” Brad noted. “It was a beautiful, artistic masterpiece. Handpicked by yours truly”

 

“Sorry about the glitter” Michael apologetically mumbled. He followed Brad and Emma to the sitting area. Felix was squeezed in between the girls and the other two sat across from them.

 

“The glitter _was_ the best part!” Emma insisted “Right, Felix?”

 

“I loved it” Felix disclosed, promising to cherish that letter for as long as he can. “I'm sorry you guys had to come by. You probably had better plans for a Saturday night”

 

“Better than visiting Mark Fischbach’s _freaking_ gigantic house? I think not” Brad stated, unable to stop his hand from touching the soft cushion behind him. “Fuck, my ass has never felt this good before- And don’t quote me on that, Emma. Do you think there's a sauna? I bet there's a sauna! Man, it must be great being rich. Are the parents away?”

 

"Yeah, most of the time” 

 

“Dream house!"

 

Felix understood Brad's perspective, but he was almost certain Mark didn't feel that way about his situation.

 

“Whatever” Amy interrupted. “Don’t listen to him, Felix, we’re not here because of the house, we’re here because of you. Yes, of course we were super surprised getting an invitation from The Rock Killers’ lead singer himself, but you’re the main reason we're here, to see how you're doing. Right, guys?”

 

Amy stared at the other three. Emma and Michael approved with a nod on a heartbeat, but Brad just rolled his eyes sarcastically. 

 

“Says the one who almost had a heart attack when Mark showed up at the shop” Brad coughed jokingly. “I mean, yes, of course Felix. What did you think?”

 

“One day, I’m going to murder this man in cold blood, and you all shall be my witnesses” Amy muttered in a whisper.

 

Felix couldn’t help but laugh at their interaction. God, he missed these people.

 

“Did you come here by bus?” Amy brought up, turning her attention back towards Felix.

 

“Actually, I’ve been here since yesterday afternoon” Felix explained. 

 

“Of course you have” She giggled, teasingly elbowing his side. “You and Mark are best buddies now, aren’t you?”

 

It was more complicated than that. With Dustin out there, his flat was unsafe and Felix had nowhere to go. He was simply glad Mark offered letting him stay here until they came up with a solution.

 

“Is it true that you and Jack are together?” Brad suddenly brought up.

 

Startled by the question, Felix gazed at Amy.

 

“Jesus, Brad!” Amy shouted, peeling her shoe off and throwing it at him. Brad dodged it, and watched it land on the couch beside him. He quickly picked it up and brushed his hand against the surface where it landed.

 

“Jesus, yourself, Amy. Don’t go throwing your shoes on furniture that costs twice the amount of your college loans!”

 

“Oh please. You have more loans than I do.”

 

“Yeah, ‘cause I’m almost done, smart-ass” Brad snorted, then pointed at her. "Meanwhile in the land of newbies"

 

“Emma!” Amy spat, turning back towards her friend. “Can I kill him now?”

 

“You’re all noisy as hell” Emma cut the conversation short. “Behave yourselves, they’re coming back!”

 

Felix saw Mark, PJ and Jack reappear at the door with the instruments. Mark and PJ helped Jack unload the drum set on the floor so he could start building it. Eyes on the Irish, Felix noticed something different. Scrutinizing his appearance for a couple seconds, he came to the conclusion that his hair had changed. It was still green, with his side cuts shaved clean which made his facial features stand out handsomely. That, and was that a new piercing Felix was spotting on his lip? Jack must really love getting those.

 

“Need help setting that?” Brad asked, peering at him from his seat. Out of the four, he seemed the most collected one in the room. Amy and Emma were blushing and nudging each other behind Felix’s back, and Michael was just being his usual shy self.

 

“You know how to set up a drum set?” Jack asked with surprise, dropping one of the tom-tom drums by accident. "Fuck!"

 

“I played drums back in high school” Brad stood up and quickly reached out to pick it up. "And you look like you could use a hand"

 

"Thanks!" Jack appreciatively grinned.

 

“Sorry it’s a bit of a mess around here” Mark apologized, approaching the four with his hands resting on his waist. He looked beat, and they have barely started. “I hope you guys don't mind loud singing and blasting music indoors. With the practice session things get pretty intense”

 

“Not one bit!” Amy reassured. “We’re huge fans, so you don’t have to worry about us. We're just super happy to be able to see you guys play!"

 

“That’s reassuring” Mark responded with a warm smile “My house is yours, so make yourself comfortable. And by that, I do mean use every corner of this place as you please, the kitchen included"

 

“That’s so nice of you, thanks!” Emma said, lifting up two heavy backpacks and putting them on top of the coffee table. “I'll put some of the beer in the fridge. We also brought snacks for later. I hope it's cool"

 

“Go right ahead"  

 

“Did someone say beer?” PJ interrupted, his tall figure peeking over Mark’s shoulder. “'Cause there’s more in the fridge in case anyone would like a cold one”

 

“Me!" Amy raised a hand excitedly. "Felix, Michael, you too, come on"

 

"T-Then me too" Michael added.

 

"Sure" Felix shrugged. He might do with a drink.

 

“And me of course. Mind giving me a hand, PJ?” Emma stood up, holding one of the bags over to the blue-haired male.

 

“Of course, give me that” He walked Mark by and reached the offered backpack. "Damn, this is heavy!"

 

"That's twenty liter of beer for you" Emma proudly stated.

 

“You’re Emma, right? I have a feeling we're going to get along real well” PJ said as the two of them distanced themselves towards the kitchen. Once inside, their voices were barely audible.

 

“Felix?” Mark’s call had Felix immediately turn his head back in his direction. “Do you mind handing me my guitar? It’s right behind you”

 

Glancing over his shoulder, the guitar Mark was plucking on earlier was still standing in the corner where he left it. Felix circled his fingers around the neck and gently removed it from its spot, handing it over to Mark.

 

“Thank you” Mark said in gratitude. He put the guitar strap around his neck and proceeded to set up the microphone.

 

"He's so dreamy, look at him" Amy contently sighed, her gaze tailing the man in question. 

 

Felix's gaze followed hers. Mark plugged the mic on then gave it subtle tapping with his fingertips to test it. He searched for a guitar pick in his pocket and started plucking on the instrument for the following minutes. They were both caught by surprise when the red-head raised his eyes and flashed a perfect smile at them.

 

Amy smiled back and Felix unthinkingly lowered his stare, a whispered chuckle reaching his ear.

 

"Oh my god, Felix, are you blushing?" Amy laughed. Felix's reaction was to cup his own cheeks in embarrassment.

 

Thankfully, Emma and PJ's quick return with a six-pack was enough distraction, and everyone sat down with a drink in their hand. PJ parted with his half-finished bottle at Mark's call. Brad regained his seat next to Michael, then the band practice began.

 

The tracks the band performed were all well-known to Felix, and he felt pride in recognizing them. There was also the peculiar thrill of watching the bewilderment in the expression of each one of his friends. Amy was on the verge of tears, so immensely moved by Mark’s guitar solo she was close to weeping in happiness. Emma had her eyes closed blissfully half-way through, and Brad and Michael nodded their heads to the rhythm of the music.

 

The session was interrupted an hour later. Deciding on a short break, PJ regained his seat on the couch and nestled the half-finished beer. Mark excused himself and left upstairs, and after one quick drink, Jack followed him. Felix wondered what was going on between the two. Since they've arrived, they barely addressed each other, and Mark's general attitude towards him was odd. 

 

"So why are you staying here, anyway?" Amy suddenly questioned . "Are you having money issues?"

 

"Not really, it's uh..." Felix stuttered, fingers fiddling with the hem of his sleeves. Now was the right moment to have this conversation, but where does he begin?

 

"Wait don't tell me-" Amy gasped, "You and _Mark_?!"

 

The room fell into a sudden silence with Amy's loud claim, and in the split of a second, every set of eyes was on him.

 

"Jesus, Amy, that's- that's not it" Felix stammered, reminded of this morning's setting in Mark's bedroom and quickly shoving that thought back in his mind to reflect upon later. He dropped his glance, unwilling to see the look on her eyes as he uttered the next words. "I might have lied to you all about being sick"

 

“What, Why?” Amy echoed, confused. 

 

"Truth is, I'm being stalked" He admitted, feeling his chest relax from the build-up tension. Compared to yesterday, the words were finding their way easier out of his mouth, and the overwhelming emotional burden that came along with it was less severe the second time. "I was scared. I couldn't leave the house knowing that person is out there and that's why I faked being sick. I'm sorry I lied to you."

 

"You what?!" Amy broke out in a sudden shout, bringing herself up to her feet. Emma, PJ, Michael and Brad exchanged shocked stares. “Why didn’t you tell us? Felix, this is fucking serious!"

 

“I- I didn’t want to drag any of you into it and-” 

 

"Who the fuck is stalking you?" Amy's gaze fell upon him, and Felix felt himself tremble in fear. He had never seen the woman this angry before.

 

"Dustin" He complied, voice small. "He's someone I used to date back in Sweden. But hey, I’m fine now. Mark’s letting me stay here ‘till things clear up out there, so I'm fine.”

 

“Wait, is this for real?” Brad voiced with a forming frown. “Are we talking the criminal kind of stalking? Is he onto you?”

 

“Uh, sort of” Felix gave in, sighing in the process. “Dustin is mentally instable. He had a rough childhood and was raised by an abusive father. Of course I didn’t know any of this back when I used to be with him. Overtime, he sort of got unhealthily attached to me, and ... And things began to get _weird_. I had to move out of Sweden because of it. I thought I'd be safe here but then..."

 

Felix couldn't finish his sentence without panic starting to rise in his chest once again. Reminding himself of the danger he was in was certainly not a good idea when he was finally doing a bit better.

 

“Jesus, Felix” Emma gasped, her mouth wide open.

 

"I'm so sorry I lied to all of you" Felix continued with a steady tone, "I just didn't want any of you to get dragged into my mess"

 

Amy quickly sat herself back down and wrapped her hand around his.

 

"Felix, sweetie, you're not dragging us into any mess" Amy stated in a calm yet assertive voice. "You're our friend, and we're not letting you go through this alone. We're going to help you, okay? Now I need you to trust us"

 

Felix peeked into her eyes, seeing pure honesty in there. He could feel his breathing regulate and his panic slowly begin to dissipate. 

 

"Now, did you try calling the police?" 

 

Felix shook his head. “No. I don’t think I can”

 

“Why not?” Michael asked. “This is serious, isn't it?"

 

Felix gazed at him with a nod of agreement.

 

“I tried that once in Sweden. It didn’t work” He admitted, fingertips rubbing his forehead exasperatedly. “I have mental illnesses too, you see. When I filed a complaint about the stalking, the police did some digging and found out I was seeing a therapist. And since my parents didn't believe me either, they decided to drop the case"

 

“What the fuck?” Brad bitterly cursed. “Give me the fucker's description, I’ll find his ass and drag him to hell myself."

 

“That’s not safe, Brad” Michael interrupted.

 

“He’s right” PJ confirmed. “If this guy’s as bad as Felix claims he is, then he might send you to jail instead. You should be careful."

 

“Then what?” Brad stubbornly huffed. “We can’t just let this asshole pester our friend. I don't give a crap about spending a night or two behind bars as long as I get to beat the crap out of that stalking piece of garbage. You call the shot, Felix.”

 

“Jesus, just shut up, Brad” Emma interrupted, tone calm yet earnest. She seemed to have gathered her thoughts by now. “First of all, and before we jump into any sort of conclusions, we need to hear the entire story from Felix. Don't you think?"

 

Amy, PJ and Michael nodded in approval.

 

"Felix, sweetie" Amy called, "I know how unpleasant it is for you to remember what this awful guy did, but we need to hear every detail in order to know who we're dealing with first. Is that all right with you? Can you do it?"

 

With a resolved mind, Felix nodded his head, took a deep breath and started from the beginning.

 

 

...

 

 

Pushing the door to Mark's bedroom open, Jack suppressed a sudden chill. The balcony doors were parted open and a cold wind blew inside. Mark was standing outside, eyes taking in the vast sky above and its infinite amount of stars while blasting cigarette smoke into the air. His features came to view when Jack rested his back against the balcony railing and examined his face. Exhausted eyes and furrowed brows, It's been a long time since he last saw that expression on him.

 

“Bad day?” He guessed.

 

“Sort of” Mark uttered without sparing him a glance. His eyes vaguely focused at the backyard scenery. The sight of the wind ruffling the dark trees surrounding the property and the moon reflecting beautifully against the water of the pool.

 

“Shouldn’t you be downstairs?” Jack asked.

 

“Felix’s stronger than he looks. He can do this on his own” Mark answered, taking a drag out of his cigarette and watching the piece get taken away from his hold. 

 

"You're not wrong" Jack agreed. He put the stolen cigarette tip between his lips and inhaled in, then threw his head back to exhale a line of smoke into the air. Lowering his gaze, he was met by an ice cold glare. “What?”

 

Mark shuffled a hand into his pocket and brought a brand new cigarette to life.

 

“Felix might be fine with it, but I still haven't forgiven what you did to him last time" Mark disclosed. "I know you better than anyone, Jack. How impulsive you can be, how bad you are at managing your anger, and how you excel at screwing up beautiful things."

 

“The hell?” Jack flinched, stinging himself with the dying cigarette bit and dropping it on the ground. “You weren’t there, all right? So don't just assume shit. You don’t know anything about what happened in that room, Mark. Felix and I were enjoying each other's company. I didn't just jump on him, I first asked if I could kiss him, and only when he agreed, I-"

 

“Spare me the details” Mark cut him short, “I don’t care about your making out sessions.”

 

“Fuck you” Jack cursed, irritated. “So what d'you care about? Yourself? Tell me something new."

 

“Go back downstairs, Jack” Mark urged with an unsettling sigh. “I don’t wanna do this right now."

 

"You fucking started it!" He yelled.

 

"Anger management" Mark reminded, "You have to work on that"

 

With those last words spoken, and Mark's nonchalant attitude, Jack felt the anger in him ignite faster than the fire of the cigarette in his mouth. He felt himself lose control, and shoved Mark against the railing, curling his fists around the collar of his shirt and glaring into his annoyingly composed eyes.

 

“You wanna know who the _real_ asshole is?” Jack yelled. “ _You_ , Mark. 'Cause I know you have a thing for Felix. And all this time you didn't have the fucking guts to be honest about it. You think you can hide shit from me? I've been around you for ages. I know when you're head over heels for someone. Yeah, it's a dick move for not telling me, and yes I'm fucking pissed at you because of it. Oh and right, _he should be spending the night over at my place and not yours because it’s safer_ , my ass. I know what you're after. I bet you fucking tried something yesterday even.”

 

“I’m not you, Jack,” Mark arrogantly muttered, a threatening smirk tracing the side of his lips. “If I want someone, I don’t throw myself at them. Every sane man knows that's not how love works."

 

“I didn’t fucking throw-“ Jack started, his fists trembling with anger, and his head beginning to develop a headache. With every muscle in his body burning and aching he reminded himself that his anger was once again clouding his judgement. 

 

"Fuck!"

 

Jack pushed himself away from Mark to tend to his unsteady breathing. Mark adjusted the neck of his shirt and picked up the cigarette that slipped his fingers during the collision.

 

“Now what?” Jack's voice hoarsely uttered in the back.

 

“Now nothing” Mark said, returning to his previous sight-seeing against the balcony railing as if nothing had happened. “It’s Felix’s call, not ours. So maybe you should start by going back downstairs and showing him how much you care. I'll have you know I already did my part.”

 

“While you stay up here and feed off cancer?" Jack scoffed, voice steady. "Get your ass down there with me."

 

Mark turned his head back while wearing his most sarcastic smirk.

 

“You’re cuter when you give a crap about people," He said, "If you use that to your advantage, maybe Felix’s like you more.”

 

“You’re cuter when you keep your mouth shut" Jack reciprocated, "If you use that to your advantage, I bet Felix’ll love you for it.”

 

There was a moment of silence settling between the two of them, followed by a sudden burst of heartfelt laughter. The cigarette was soon put off and disposed of, an Mark and Jack were returning back inside with childish hands in each others' messy hair. 

 

 

**TBC**

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After hectic months of business, I'm proud to announce the story is still ongoing.
> 
> Enjoy!

The ice cold wind whistled through the night and the silvery moon guided their road. It was warm inside the car, and the slow song playing on the radio settled an air of relaxation and comfort.

 

In the back, Felix was lulled to sleep by the monotonous roaring and whirring of the car engine. A couple moments ago, they dropped Amy, Emma and Michael off at Brad’s place. After it has been decided that Felix was to prolong his stay at Mark’s until further notice, everyone’s worry was marginally soothed, and they were finally able to call it a night. Now the three men remaining in the car were headed out of the city, back to Mark’s mansion.

 

Playing on the radio was an old classical tune featuring a piano symphony that was soon to be interrupted by the press of a button, replaced by an eighties rock n roll hit which fully blasted on stereo. Bobbing his head to the beat, Jack sang along to the lyrics with perfect coordination, and next to him, Mark shook his head in an air of disapproval.

 

“Nothing better than rock n roll, baby!” Jack announced in the front seat, shaking his limbs in excited motions to the rhythm of the song.

 

“Other genres aren’t bad if you actually give them a chance. Some can be entertaining, actually.”

 

“Who the hell are you?” Jack exclaimed. “And what have you done to the _real_ Mark?”

 

“Have you been listening to the radio recently? Some hits are catchy. And I’m not just talking classical.” Mark admitted with a little smile, hands on the wheel and eyes on the road.

 

“Jesus Christ, can we pretend we never had this talk?” Jack bashfully gasped, turning in his seat to peer over his shoulder towards where Felix was seated. “I need a drink. Got anything left back there?”

 

Felix inspected the beer case tucked beside him. They were down to three bottles, most of which were depleted by the group of friends during the ride. Felix limited himself to two bottles for the night, although now that Jack was receiving his sixth, he thought to himself another wouldn’t hurt.

 

“To the _real_ Mark because I honestly have no idea who this guy is.” Jack said with the rise of his bottle.

 

“Cheers!” Felix chuckled.

 

“Now you listen up you two,” Mark began with a scoff, readjusting the radio back on the previous channel. “Basic ground rules. I drive? I choose the music.”

 

“No way!”

 

Whilst the Irish abruptly interrupted his drinking, the radio station was already switched, and the eighties Rock n Roll track was replaced with a monotonous announcement.

 

“…Next is the best of local Rock n Roll. We are ready to shed a light on the rising talents in our neighborhoods, and tonight…”

 

“Dude, my jam-“

 

“Wait. Leave it.” Mark shushed Jack’s groaning and brushed his hand off the radio. The announcer’s speech continued.

 

“…We are pumped to announce the unexpected return of one of our best local bands. After a long hiatus, these three skilled musicians are rising back stronger than ever with a brand new album. This evening, we are live from the Black Bull Bar and witnessing their first track - _Before the Sun*._ Ladies and gentlemen, _The Lowkey Addicts!”_

 

At the announcement of the band name an unusual stillness fell upon the car. Mark’s hand froze against the radio and Jack’s bottle fell abruptly between his thighs. Felix sat up correctly, a tad confused by the sudden switch in the mood, and his ears eased to the sound of the track playing. The singer’s voice resonated with a soothing power and the background instruments blended perfectly with his echoing tone. The perfect mixture of simple and mind-blowing. The song reminded Felix of one of those radio hits he was lulled by during his working hours, except this one was a live record, and the band wasn’t internationally known, making it all the more impressive.

 

“They’re good.” Felix commented between two sips.

 

“They are.” Mark admitted, the grip of his palms tightening around the wheel.

 

“You mean the live recording,” Jack muttered, scoffing. “It’s not bad. The singing could’ve been better. For a three year break, this isn’t impressing anyone.”

 

“Are you all right?”

 

“Why the hell wouldn't I be?”

 

“Jack.”

 

Felix realized he should have simply kept his mouth shut. Now not only the mood has drifted from awkward to broadly tense, but Jack, who was anxiously scratching the beer label, was chugging on the content without as much as to breathe in between.

 

“Sorry.” Felix voiced, almost certain this was his fault.

 

“Hey, don’t apologize. You didn’t say anything wrong.” Mark calmly assured from the front seat. The silence that followed was a cry for clarification, and thankfully Mark picked on the signal, except that instead of voicing an actual answer, his eyes met Felix’s through the rear view mirror, and he simply nodded. Felix understood, that this was not to be spoken of right now.

 

Jack finished his bottle and rested his head against the window, his facial expression indiscernible from Felix’s perspective. There was a short break on the radio with the announcer interviewing a couple fans.

 

“Good god, I’m so glad they’re back! I’m crying of happiness!” Said a young female with a tone of utter excitement. “I’ve been waiting. We’ve all been waiting. They’re the best of what Rock n Roll could give. I’m so happy to be alive tonight!”

 

“Do you believe their surprising come-back would go viral? Perhaps even international?” The interviewer asked with interest.

 

“They did once!” Replied the girl with determination. “And they will again, I’m sure of it!”

 

“These guys are good.” Answered an old interviewed man. “I know jack shit about why they went on hiatus in the first place, and to be honest, I don’t care. I like Rock. I come to the Black Bull every week, and to find good ol’ music in here makes me feel home again.”

 

“Apparently the return of these young talented artists to the Rock scene is bringing life back along with it. If you’re out there tonight, drop by the Black Bull Bar to join us live with _The Lowkey Addicts_. The night’s magical! You won’t regret it!”

 

“Turn it off.” Jack muttered at the beginning of the second track.

 

“Their music has gotten better.”

 

“I said turn that shit off or I’m doing it myself.” Jack aggressively hissed.

 

“Admit they got better and I’ll turn it off.” Mark plainly argued.

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“Dan’s voice got more resonance to it,” Mark continued, ignoring Jack’s irritation. “Phil is doing great with the bass, as usual. He’s been practicing, one could tell. I wonder who they’ve recruited for the drums. They know their rhythm, that’s for one.”

 

Jack went still once again. Felix began forming speculations. He thought of rivalry at first, which is only natural in the music world. However, this seems to have more to it than plain contest, especially on Jack’s part.

 

“Can we go?” Felix asked. Mark and Jack’s eyes widened to the suggestion. “I mean, if you guys don’t mind. I have been sitting between four walls for over a week, so I think moving my limbs around a bit might be a good idea.”

 

“And we could check the band out while at it.” Mark completed with a forming smile. “Great idea, Felix. What do you say Jack? Wanna come with us or do you want me to drop you off?”

 

The question staggered Jack. He was caught impulsive, tipsy and uncontrolled. And as Mark slowed down the car and prepared to take a turn, the answer was forced out of his lips.

 

“Fine!” He groaned. “Whatever, just move!”

 

Mark didn’t hesitate to do so, and as he carefully turned the wheel the car took a curve, driving back the main street leading to the city center.

 

Felix has never seen the Black Bull Bar that crowded before. Even upon his visit during that evening a week ago, when he was introduced to The Rock Killers live for the very first time, tonight was, as the radio reporter described, _magical_. The line at the front door stretched all the way to the main street, and Mark, utilizing his social connections with the Black Bull’s owner, opted to enter via the back door along with Jack and Felix.

 

“Thanks, Paul. I appreciate it.” Mark patted the security guy’s back in a friendly manner before stepping inside. The man was twice Felix’s size, and the hidden gaze behind his sunglasses had Felix imagine all sorts of frightening glares he could potentially be throwing his way. Warily, Felix passed him by, catching up to Mark and Jack who, by barely making appearance inside, had already attracted half of the bar's attention.

 

“It’s The Rock Killers!” Screamed a young girl in the middle of the mass of fans, whose attention was instantly directed towards the popular band members.

 

Mark’s muscles tensed, and for the very first time Felix noticed his discomfort which was seemingly due to his social anxiety. His shoulders slightly lifted, and his hands formed fists. His face displayed a smug smile, yet his body language screamed of repulsion. 

 

Felix wasn’t apparently the only one to notice his friend’s hardship; Jack, who has regained his full senses and appeared to have sobered up almost entirely, was holding onto Mark’s forearm and dragging him away from the crowd and into the VIP lounge. Felix, bewildered, stumbled and followed.

 

“Do you have your pills?” Jack inquired, forcing Mark into one of the luxurious velvet couches. “Get the damn pills.”

 

“I’m fine.” Mark insisted, taking the seat nonetheless. He seemed to have sweated buckets, and they have barely spent ten minutes inside.

 

“The fuck you’re thinking, dragging us here when you’re having one of your fits?” Jack aggressively uttered. He was filling up a glass of water and handing it over to Mark, who was forced to chug it down. Felix was still by the door, eyeing the room they set foot into. There were two other security men inside, but they seemed to recognize the two visitors, hence their lack of intervention.

 

“Sorry, I just-“Mark halted to sigh, then drank some more out of his glass of water. “I’ll be fine in a second. You two could go ahead and enjoy the rest of the tracks. I’ll join you in a bit.”

 

“Like hell you would,” Jack scoffed. “We’re not going anywhere. It was yours and Felix’s stupid idea to get here, now sit down and drink. And once you’re done, we’re heading back.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Felix muttered, still standing by the door.

 

“No, it was my decision,” Mark confessed, resting his back against the couch and sighing. “I was curious. It’s been three years. Their fame didn’t lose a single spark.”

 

“They’re good, all right.” Jack admittedly sighed, his glance falling back to the empty glass in Mark’s hand. “It’s a girl. A pretty one.”

 

Mark grimaced at Jack’s words, but the Irish was soon finishing his sentence.

 

“The new drummer.” He disclosed, then startled Felix by swiftly eyeing him. “Remember the asshole ex I told you about?”

 

Confused by the sudden question, Felix candidly nodded.

 

“He was this band’s first drummer.”

 

“Jack, you don’t have to-“ Mark started.

 

“No, it’s fine.” Jack insisted. “I’m over it. And Felix is our friend now. He deserves to know.”

 

An inexplicable warmth enveloped Felix’s chest at those last words. The desire to know about Jack and Mark, to learn every single detail about their lives, and to be there for them is all he ever wished for. These two were his friends, and he couldn’t be happier realizing they saw him under the same light.

 

“He got caught dealing drugs around town,” Jack continued, his blue orbs now fixing Felix’s with intent. “It happened three years ago, months after we started dating. He was an abusive asshole, an alcoholic, yada yada, and everyone knew it. But when he got caught in action, police threw him in jail for a good ten years. Dan and Phil, his friends, didn’t know a single thing about this. They were under the same old spell I once was under, thought the guy was rainbows and sunshine when they started the band together. Once the news broke out, they were devastated, decided to disband, couldn’t do it, then went on hiatus instead- You all right there?”

 

Jack halted for a moment, deciding to check on Mark shortly. With a nod and a faint smirk, Jack assumed he was well, and resumed his story-telling.

 

“So, yeah, long story short, their band was the best there was, we were second. You could tell the heated rivalry between us, it was hardcore, but fuck it was good. We both loved it, and we knew that. But fucking stupid-ass Rob ruined it for all of us. Even Dan and Phil stopped talking to us ever since. They probably thought we were his accomplice or whatever.”

 

“No, Jack. They’re ashamed.” Mark corrected, eyeing Felix with more ease. His body seemed to have returned to its initial relaxed state. “They’re afraid we might treat them the same way the public has. They were blamed of hiding Rob’s drug dealing tendencies, and were even dragged to court more than once because of false accusations. They were even close to getting sentenced. Thankfully that didn’t happen since there wasn’t enough evidence.”

 

After that point, Jack went silent. Outside, the roaring and cheering of the public burst into resonance, reaching their ears along with the thundering beats of drums, announcing the start of a new track. Mark and Jack stood up with newly found energy, and flashed their widest grin to each other while Felix's expression was that of utter confusion.

 

“They’re playing it!” Mark exclaimed, holding the plastic bottle of water and already exiting towards the door. “Let’s go, guys. Come on!”

 

Felix wasn’t given the split second of a choice. With an even larger grin on his face, Jack was pushing the Swede towards the exit, following up to Mark excitedly.

 

This might have been, Felix thought, the very first time he’s seen them this enthusiastic about anything. Back inside the bar, Felix watched Jack and Mark’s silhouettes slither between the mass of cheerful fans, who, with the current dimness of the space, and everyone’s focus being towards the stage, failed to take notice of their presence.

 

Felix was pushed and pulled, and to the playing of _The World Is Spinning**_ blasting on full stereo, he made way past the sea of music-driven screams to regain sight of his friends. He curiously eyed the stage, where two males, a singer and a bassist, and a female, the drummer, presented themselves to Felix for the very first time.

 

The singer, a handsome black-haired man in his early twenties, stood tall and proud behind his mic, clothed in an entirely white outfit that emphasized his pale skin. The bassist stood to his side. He wore, in contrast to his band member, all black. His charming features might have blinded many, but Felix could spy with the corner of his eyes a lingering shyness, or rather a hint of it. In the background sat the drummer, whose pastel pink hair stood out entirely from the rest, having her outshine them, yet not entirely mask them appearance-wise.

 

Felix’s first impression of this band was ‘decent’, and ‘fairly shy’. But that, to his surprise, only enhanced their down-to-earthness, and their likability among the public. Their music, on the other hand, was what brought it to skyrocket. There was depth, there was resonance, and there were emotions. The singer’s voice was strong, deep yet gentle, caressing every spoken word. Along with the drummer’ skills and the bassist’s playfulness, it all worked into a perfect mixture, and Felix, listening to their track as it reached its inevitable end, felt his heart tremble. These people were truly skilled.

 

Entranced, Felix’s eyes fell back into the crowd to the sight of Jack’s green shade and Mark’s bright red one a couple steps ahead of him. The two were standing in the fourth row, the first three being far too crowded to squeeze past. Pushing past the tall group of fans screaming and cheering in front of him, Felix’s smile withered and his feet halted. His gaze fell upon Jack and Mark’s hands, which were fastened into each other, and he couldn’t help but notice the intensity of the glance they shared at that moment.

 

The song was soon fading into stillness, and the room regained its loud cheering and shouting. In the blink of an eye, the joined hands were freed and the glance was broken, and upon approach, Felix heard Mark mumbling ‘Thank you’ to the Irish, and ‘I’m feeling better now’.

 

“Are you okay?” Felix asked out of curiosity, his voice high, making sure it was heard in the midst of the loud screaming.

 

“Yeah, I’m great. This was definitely worth it.” Mark loudly admitted with a grin. “Let’s head out. I think they’re done.”

 

In the cold breeze roaming in the backstreet, the three regained warmth behind the closed doors of the car parked in a corner, with the subtle difference of Jack claiming the driver seat.

 

“I’m truly sorry guys.” Mark stated inside. “I didn’t expect to get an anxiety attack out of nowhere. Haven’t had it this bad in a while.”

 

“Do me a favor and stick your meds to your ass next time, would you?” Jack huffed, almost scolding him. “You really scared the shit out of me back there.”

 

“Jack’s right,” Felix agreed. “You should keep your medication on you at all time.”

 

“Yeah, my mistake.” Mark nodded approvingly, quietly beating himself down. It was the first time Felix had seen under this light, since he is most likely to be the one scolding his friends and not vice-versa. “Thanks again, buddy.”

 

“Don’t mention it.” Jack hummed with a handsome smirk. “Buckle up. It’s time to go back, boys.”

 

While debating between either nursing or ignoring the last beer bottle in the case, the car engine roared and Jack prepared for departure. At the last minute, Paul, the backdoor security approached the car window, knocking on it softly. Mark’s window glass rolled down, and Paul’s scary face peered from behind, catching a swift glance of Felix in the back with the bottle to his mouth.

 

“Everything all right, Paul?” Mark asked quietly. He seemed not the least bit bothered by the man’s demeanor.

 

“Sorry for interrupting, but someone is asking for you guys in the VIP lounge.” Paul informed. “Thought I’d let you know.”

 

The three exchanged a confused stare, then Jack turned the key a second time, quietening the engine’s whirring.

 

“All three of us?” Jack asked behind the wheel. “Dan and Phil?” He then asked, surprised, eyeing Mark.

 

Paul nodded, and Mark’s lips stretched into a large smile.

 

“Thanks, Paul,” said Mark. “We’ll be coming inside in a second.”

 

The bodyguard nodded politely a second time then turned over and returned to the door where his co-worker was keeping watch on his behalf. Inside the car, Mark and Jack were silently lost in their thoughts for seconds, before Felix’s question broke the stillness.

 

“Should we go?” He wondered. “They’re probably waiting.”

 

“Y-Yeah, we should.” Mark nodded hesitantly. “Holy shit, this is happening.”

 

“Three fucking years, man” Jack snorted in disbelief. “You think they’re finally over it?”

 

“One way to find out.” Mark hinted, then threw an arm over his seat, turning around towards the third passenger. “Sorry for dragging you around, Felix. Is this all right with you? I can still drive you back, if you’re tired.”

 

“No, I’m fine!” Felix nodded, squeezing his bottle in hand. “I want to meet them, this Dan and Phil guys.”

 

At that answer , Jack and Mark shared a humored grin.

 

“All right, then. Let’s go.”

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Before the Sun - Celladoor   
> ( https://celladoor.bandcamp.com/track/before-the-sun )
> 
> **The World is Spinning - Yeghikian   
> ( https://yeghikian.bandcamp.com/track/the-world-is-spinning )


	12. Just Close Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Track of the chapter: 
> 
> Close your eyes - Troika ( https://troikaband.bandcamp.com/track/close-your-eyes )
> 
> Author's note:  
> Apologies for the delayed chapter. I had taken a short break from writing and a long break from this story. I rewrote this chapter twice, and the reason behind it is, the first draft was not bringing out the emotions I desired, and it's thanks to this beautiful enchanting track from Troika that I was able to confront those emotions and have them rise to the surface through my writing. 
> 
> TRIGGER: Chapter's short, but it is a breaking point. This is the bridge between the soft passage of the story and the heavy dark and emotionally charged one. The EUPHORIA. After this point, and as I had it planned from the beginning, the story line will take a drastic turn. It took me a while to be emotionally prepared to write this, and now I am glad I can finally deliver. I hope my warning did not wave you off and that you will still be enjoying the read!

 

The acoustic vibration of the bass awoke him. He found himself lying down on the couch in the VIP lounge with a headache splitting his head in half. Free cocktails are as dangerous as they come, and Felix had consumed far more than his body could tolerate.

 

There was an unusual stillness surrounding him. Every present person was either asleep or too drunk to function. Marzia had left early. Dan disappeared behind the VIP bar half an hour ago. After rummaging the place for some good liquor and drinking four shots each, Mark and Phil ended up sitting on the other side of the counter tiredly giggling to silly Youtube videos. Jack’s green head glistening under the disco ball lights was nestled in between two bottles of beer, each in one hand and neither of which he was able to finish.

 

Glasses lied here and about atop the chaotic table, one of which was full to the brim with transparent liquor that might or might not be water. Felix tried his luck with the tip of his tongue and spit it instantly out. It was Vodka.

 

He dragged his legs to the ground, and leaned closer to nudge Jack on the side but in vain. The man was as good as dead. He even began to loudly snore, a trail of drool tracing its way down his mouth and on the table. Condolences to whomever had to clean that up.

 

With a terrible acute headache Felix managed to get up on his feet, nausea speedily picked up where it left earlier while he was drinking himself to death, and he made a run for it to the closest bathroom. False alarm. It also turned out to be the Ladies' room he barged into. Thankfully nobody else was in the VIP area tonight.

 

The bass resumed its humming, distant yet audible enough to the ear. Felix took a liking to the reverberation and decided to follow the sound. Outside, Paul the security guy gazed suspiciously at Felix. He asked him if he was all right, and whether alcohol rendered him confident or stupid or both, Felix found himself spreading the widest, most eager smile while patting the guard’s shoulder and spouting “I’m tops. Thanks Paul!”

 

Paul cautiously nodded, and Felix felt so prideful he almost stumbled in his walk. He laughed it off like a drunk man would and headed to the front where the band was playing their last track.

 

The atmosphere in the bar was relaxed. The soft humming of the guitar and the bass, the gentleness of the drums and the soothing vocal lulled him into some sort of trance.

 

“…Just close your eyes…”

 

The line stood out among others. It repeated itself, echoed, and sent Felix’s heavy mind floating over a wave of tranquillity. It carried him elsewhere, away from his worries and fears for seconds few, long enough to feel them everlasting, yet all too brief to be soon thrust back into reality. Then drums, then guitar, then bass, then nothing.

 

The band were whispering their goodbyes under a snoozy applause. The bartender was announcing the last round, the bar was growing quieter and quieter, and Felix was being shaken away from the scene, violently yanked backward by a strong grip to the back of his collar.

 

…

 

 

Jack’s head jerked off the table, accidentally launching one of the beer bottles to the ground. Cursing under his breath, he watched the rest of its content spill over the carpet and his brand new boots. His throat was dry and his head throbbed with the power of gunshots. He took a look around the VIP lounge, the dim colourful disco lights had been turned off, replaced by a bright standard light bulb dangling down from the middle of the ceiling. Paul walked in to announce closing time. Mark and Phil were dragging Dan back from behind the bar counter, asleep.

 

“Time to pack it up, boys.”

 

“Got it, Paul” Mark said. “We’ll get going as soon as this one cooperates.”

 

“Bad news” Phil mumbled, “He won’t be waking up for at least a couple hours. Care to help me drag him to the van?”

 

“Of course,” Mark agreed. “Jack? You good?”

 

From behind the table Jack was rubbing his forehead, shielding his eyes from the brightness of the room. He nodded at Mark’s call.

 

“Good. I’ll help Phil with Dan and then we can hit the road” he informed, walking to the door and halting. “BTW, where’s Felix?”

 

“Don’t know” Jack growled with knitted eyebrows. “Saw him running to the ladies’ bathroom earlier.”

 

“Go get him and meet me outside.” Mark arranged, and after receiving half a nod from the hangover Irish, he and Phil made way out of the backdoor with Dan squeezed in between them. Paul saw them safely out.

 

Jack took a swig out of the glass of dry Vodka hoping more alcohol in his system would help ease his migraine. With an irritated grunt, he forced himself to his feet and paced to the ladies’ room. There was vomit all over the sink. Jack scrunched up his nose and walked out.

 

He ran a swift hand through his locks before heading out of the front door, picking out a handful of confetti and a lonely piece of gum that luckily did not sit there long enough to fuse with one of his strands. Outside, the party had died. The lights were on and the last band were dismantling the stage with the help of the security guards who had already kicked the last customers out and locked up front. 

 

Jack rubbed his forehead, approaching the two men in the back of the half-built stage.

 

“Sorry, Jack” announced one of them, a big bulky guy with shoulder-long brown hair. “Rules are rules. Exit’s only permitted from the backdoor at this hour.”

 

“Yeah I know Luke. Say, have ye’ seen an average-sized, good-looking, thin Swedish dude walking out about half an hour ago?” He asked with vague hand signs referring to what should be an approximation of Felix’s height. “Names’ Felix.”

 

“Trust me, if there was a good-looking European walking out of my door I would be first to take notice. Friend o’ yours?”

 

“Yeah. Maybe he's still hanging around?"

 

"Hell no. Closing time is closing time. Everyone's been booted out. Didn't see your guy anywhere."

 

"Shit, If he’s not here then where the hell could he be?” Jack bit his bottom lip, his frown growing prominent.

 

“I’d put my guess on Home sweet home.” Luke said, handing the screwdriver over to his co-worker. “If the guy was shitfaced I doubt he made it, but it’s not uncommon to find drunk sleepy jocks around the city at this hour. Don’t sweat it. Your buddy’s safe and sound in this cosy little town.”

 

“Safe? You fucking kidding me?” Jack snapped. Luke’s upbeat attitude died out, and he seemed to be trying to find fault in what he just said.

 

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Jack spat, loudly shoving his hard boot against the pile of chairs, sending multiple ones to the ground.

 

“FUCK!”

 

Luke and his co-worker eyed Jack with clear concern. The Irish was stepping back, spitting out rapid curses with his hands tugging on his hair. There wasn’t one single scenario related to Felix that could be considered ‘safe and sound’ with his psychopath of an ex on a manhunt after him.

 

He had to find Mark, he had to let Mark know.

 

The fresh early-morning air outside was suffocating. The sky was a soft shade of blue ink and the stars were all out. Jack trotted to catch Mark chatting up Phil outside the Lowkey Addict’s van. He made it there heavily panting, to which Mark and Phil responded with an uneasy frown.

 

“Jack, what’s wrong?” Mark ambushed, facing the Irish with a heavy air of concern. “Where’s Felix?”

 

Words were caught in Jack’s throat. He felt himself choking. With all the air around him he couldn't bring himself to breathe. The thought of where Felix could be right now turned into a horrifying, discorporate monstrosity that ate on him with every passing second. He was experiencing an Anxiety so intense he would call it a first.

 

“Where the fuck is Felix, Jack?!” Mark inquired loudly, nails digging into each of Jack’s shoulders.

 

“I-I don’t know! I don’t fucking know!” Jack cried out, shoving his hands back into his hair and tugging on it. “I can’t fucking find him- I looked everywhere! What should I do? Mark! Fucking tell me what should I do?! -Right, shit, call. We can call, right?”

 

Mark went silent. Having realized how strong of a grip he had on Jack, he let him go, and shoved a quick hand inside his pocket.

 

“He doesn’t have it.”

 

“What?”

 

“He doesn’t have his phone on him because he left it back in his flat.” Mark stated with a faint shudder of his vocal chords, and a hopeless hand came rubbing at his temple. “And I left mine home.”

 

“Everything okay, guys?” Phil asked from behind the wheel.

 

“Phil, do you have your phone on you?” Mark quietly turned towards him.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I need you to call the police.”

 

 

 

 

**TBC**


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On December the 13th this story will officially be one year old! What a thing to celebrate. I have been absent for a good amount of time, but I never failed to return, and no matter how far life drags me, this story never leaves my mind. I have resolved to write it to its end, regardless of how long that shall be, because the meaning behind it grew with time, and the characters grew on me, and I feel bonded and connected to it, mentally and emotionally. I'm so passionate about it, who would've known! 
> 
> Thank you for still being here and for accompanying me in this passionate journey. And I surely hope I will never disappoint.

The rusty caged clock hanging in the reception room showed half past seven. Thirty more minutes and Felix will be officially missing for eight hours. The authorities have been informed, an official search had begun, and rumors were fast to circulate. 

 

Amy, Emma, Michael and Brad surfaced when the clock achieved a round of its circle, ambushing Mark and Jack who, sleep-deprived and emotionally encumbered, were told to leave until further leads in the investigation. They were walking in circles in front of the police station in desperate hope to see Felix emerge out of the corner of a street and put their worries to rest.

 

Amy was first to charge towards them. As she did, her voice bore anger, and she was quickly followed by the other three who managed to catch up on time, with Emma and Brad holding her back before she shoved Mark a third time. Mark’s strings of apologies grew weak and void, as if he had been muttering them far too long he stopped believing them altogether.

 

Jack stood there as it happened. He watched Mark take the fall, just like he had done a couple minutes ago in the interrogation room. He blamed himself for Felix’s disappearance, confessed to having let him out of his sight, consequently rendering the situation Mark's fault, and not Jack's. 

 

The scenario of him standing aside while Mark took the blame happened so many times Jack had grown tired of it. Yet the will to act was not enough, because Jack’s body refused to obey him, to interrupt the scene, to step in between Mark and Amy and confess that this was all his fault, no one else’s. Soon the four disappeared inside the station, and Mark and Jack were abandoned outside, guilt eating Jack up.

 

Back at the flat, Mark claimed the couch for a short nap, Jack did not manage to get a word out of him, and by now he has grown accustomed to the sight of the orange medication bottle in his hold.

 

PJ came home at ten after working the night shift at the drug store. Jack ambushed the tired man at the door and demanded to talk to him urgently. They sat in the kitchen, warm coffee mugs in their hands while Jack spilled the entirety of their night’s mishappening.

 

“It’s Mark’s defense mechanism,” PJ’s response followed once he had taken a final sip out of his mug. Jack had barely touched his. “You know him, once it’s out of his hand he panics, unless he gets to seize control over some other aspect of the situation. It gives him back that sense of certainty. Right now, the other aspect is you, so I’m guessing he’s trying to cope with Felix’s disappearance by protecting you or something like this.”

 

Jack’s eyes widened, a frown drawn upon them. He might have not thought of it that way, but he still despised the idea of Mark shielding him when he’s the one to blame.  

 

Yes, he was to blame. Jack was well aware of it. He was drunk but he remembers that night clearly. He remembers Mark approaching him when the night got to its heated point, with everyone crossing the secure number of four drinks, with Felix laughing out loudly at his side and with Dan pulling Phil to the bar for more drinks and calling out for Mark to join them. He had refused if it weren’t for Jack inciting him to go, for he had the selfish desire to spend some time alone with Felix.

 

Jack remembers his words clearly.

 

_“Are you sure you can do it, Jack? Are you sure you can watch out for him? You’ve drunk quite a lot this evening.”_

 

To which a half-drunk Jack responded positively.

 

_“Sure I can. I can handle my liquor, too. Now stop insulting my Irish ancestors and get going. Don’t keep them waiting.”_

 

And so he did. With Mark gone, Jack watched over Felix until the Swede was lulled to sleep, comfortably snoozing on his lap. He was blinded at that moment, by the tormenting mixture of emotions rising in him, the ones he evoked towards Felix, towards Mark, and towards the relationship the two have come to share. Where did he stand in all of this, now? He wanted to know.

 

His exhausting self-reflection demanded alcohol, and so he did what he did best: Blur his thoughts and intoxicate his liver. He went as far as to order a full glass of vodka, which the bartender strongly disrecommended, but his stubbornness availed and after one sip, his heavy forehead met the surface of the table.

 

“It’s my fault,” Jack insisted, head bent, watching the heat evaporate away from his now cold, stale coffee.

 

“Do they have a lead?” PJ wondered, raising Jack’s head with his question. “The police. What’d they say?”

 

“Nothing. They said we should keep looking, report if we come across anything concerning Felix,” Jack bit his lip at the bitterness the name left in his mouth. “They didn’t believe us at first, the assholes. Thought we were just drunk when we reported the kidnapping last night. Took them fucking forever to hear us out and decide after eight hours that this shit is serious. I’m so done with authorities. Never trusted them to begin with.”

 

“Yeah I get you,” PJ nodded, pouring himself a second cup and offering Jack a refill. Jack refused, abandoning his drink and rushing to get on his feet. “What now?”

 

“Now? Now I finally got Mark to sleep” Jack gave away, reaching for the rack by the door and fitting into his black jacket. “I’m gonna skim downtown. Haven’t looked there yet.”

 

“I can tag along-“

 

“No, man. You’re tired and I need you to watch over Mark while I’m gone. If he asks about me say I’m out grabbing lunch or something. Make up a story, anything to keep him waiting indoors.”

 

“Jack, I can’t lie to Mark and you know that. He always finds out-“

 

“Then figure out something, smartass!” He shouted bluntly before slamming the door behind him.

 

He was terrible at managing his anger, but he trusted PJ would understand. As soon as he walked outside, Jack’s long hasty steps led towards the unknown. He mentioned going downtown, but was Felix even there? He didn’t know. Nobody knew. But he was running out of options, and so he walked wherever his feet took him, swearing to turn the city upside down if it meant he would find Felix’s trail at some point.

 

He checked downtown, the market place, the park, the university, the outskirts, narrow, abandoned alleyways, streets big and small, nothing. Three hours later he decided to drop by the game shop. Dave was working the morning shift.

 

“Welcome!” came the warm voice of the older man standing behind the counter. “Oh, I remember you. You’re that good friend of Felix’s, aren't you?” Dave noticed, index finger pushing up his thick glasses.

 

Jack eyed the shop briefly. It was empty.

 

He noticed the new security system at the entrance and the thick brand new door replacing the old see-through one. He noticed the entirely newly-built shelves hanging behind Dave, full of magazines, newspaper and crosswords sheets. He could easily imagine it now. That night’s events taking place right where Dave stood with his large dimply smile and shiny bald head. Felix, curled behind the counter, helpless and scared while on the phone with Jack, with his psychopath of an ex outside. The moment a loud collision was heard in the background, the moment he lied -which Jack still couldn’t fathom - and the moment he ended the call to be faced by his aggressor, suffering on his own the consequences, just like he always has.

 

A nerve began tracing its way down Jack’s temple, then the entrance door opened.

 

“Sorry, Dave, I’m a bit late, I dropped by the police station-“ Amy’s voice veered off the second her eyes met Jack’s. “What’re _you_ doing here? Get out!”

 

Her voice, rough and unfriendly, frightened him. Her spiteful frown and clenched fists were signal enough that he was not welcome here. Jack noticed the paleness of her face and the redness of her eyes – it looked like she has been crying for a while.

 

“There now, Amy, that’s not how we treat our customers. Apologies, kid. Is there anything I could get for you? Perhaps a drink?”

 

Jack nodded. “Uh, a monster please.”

 

Amy walked him by, dragging her weight around with such stiffness, the anger on her face never to leave. She soon disappeared into the personnel room.

 

“Here you go. That’ll be it?” Dave placed the bottle of the original Monster Energy right in front of the Irish’s eyes.

 

Ultra. He forgot to mention the Ultra.

 

“Yeah, thanks.” He mumbled with a little voice.

 

Discouraged, Jack paid for his Monster Energy and trotted out of the shop like a criminal found guilty.

 

 

 

He looked around for Felix for another six hours.

 

By nightfall, he had crossed every street and looked into every corner. All in vain. There was no sign of him. The anxiety that had crept into him yesterday night has returned. There was hope in seeking, but now that he had fruitlessly sought, with no avail, he was faced with a harsh reality, that of having to return home empty-handed, Felix-less.

 

He couldn’t bring himself to do it, so he wandered around some more.

 

The loud sound of a car engine reverberated down the street and a black van steered over, Jack peeled his eyes off his feet and watched his reflection on the familiar window. His expression was pained, lips desperately seeking the string of words none of which dared to come out. The black van’s door opened and Jack climbed into the passenger seat. It drove off.

 

They didn’t talk to each other for the rest of the road. The song _Rings of Saturn*_ played on the radio at a low volume. Behind the wheel, Mark’s glasses reflected the street lights in silence. He wore a black sweater, PJ’s, and his crimson locks were still damp from a recent shower. He was calm and composed. Directing his focus outside the window, Jack came to notice that they were driving out of town. He didn’t question it. 

 

Mark was soon venturing off the main road, parking the van in the middle of nowhere. The woods in the horizon, half a moon swimming up in the sky, Jack watched Mark climb out, take four steps to the front, search his pockets and light up a cigarette. The line of smoke he exhaled left a mark in the air around him, soon to disappear into nothingness, forgotten, like it never existed to begin with.

 

Jack climbed out and joined him. He offered him a cigarette, Jack took it. And for the next couple minutes the two smoked in silence.

 

The night sky was clear, the stars all out, the wind whistled in their ears and the moon shone bright, and it felt cruel. Cruel that such a beautiful spring night was happening without him, cruel that life was going on without him.

 

He exhaled loudly, and when he attempted to drag air back in, he struggled. Was it always this hard to breathe? Was it always this hard to do anything? Tears began strolling down his cheeks, his body shuddered, his heart palpitated and he couldn’t control any of it. Then the feeling of Mark’s warmth surrounded him, and his wailing intensified.

 

“We’ll find him,” His voice reassured, his embrace tightening.

 

“Y-Yeah,” Jack struggled to utter between his loud sobs. “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault…“

 

“No, it’s mine.”

 

Jack suddenly frowned, pushed his head upwards, showing eyes and nose still half-running.

 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“Jack, listen-“

 

“No, you listen!” Jack shouted, forcibly breaking the embrace to pierce his friend with a horrible glare. “You’re gonna have to stop treating me like I’m made out of thin glass, like I’m about to break or some shit. You think I don’t get it? Think I don’t recognize this attitude of yours? It’s the drugs, isn’t it? Think I’ll get back to using. Think I’m fucking stupid or some shit.”

 

With every word he spat, Jack’s chest heaved with anger.

 

“It’s all in the past, Mark. You get it? I’m done! I’m done with it. And I’m definitely done with standing aside and pretending this is all your fault whenever I majorly fuck up. This is my responsibility this time. We’ll just have to face it, it’s all on me. This is the least I can do for Felix. And until we find him, I’m gonna at least be honest with myself. So you better start working on being honest with your ass too!”

 

His shaky yet loud voice resonated in the air, the woods reciprocating its echoes, while Mark stood before him, lips parted and body motionless. In his pocket, he could see him fiddling with the medication dose.

 

Then Jack broke out laughing and Mark’s nervous fingers froze.

 

“Look at us,” He sighed, defeated, thin lips stretched into a lifeless smile. “Two conceited, selfish, broken-beyond-mending men clinging onto the only thing that promises to save them from themselves. We don’t deserve him. Never did. Felix is nothing like us. He’s not self-centered or childish. He’s good through and through. And to be honest? He could do better than either of us.”

 

“Jack…” Mark muttered at last.

 

“What?” Jack mocked. “You beg to disagree? Go right ahead.”

 

“No,” Mark took a breath, his stare vaguely lost among the grey and green bushes infecting the area. “You’re not wrong, but you’re not right either.”

 

Jack made fists inside his pockets, frowning at Mark’s response.

 

“Felix needs us as much as we need him,” Mark continued. “He was happy with us, he felt safe, he felt like he belonged. The way he smiled when we addressed him, the way he got overjoyed at the mention of an invitation, those are but brief moments that represented Felix’s way of communicating his need of closeness. He fled his past to start over a new life. We are part of it, Jack. We’re part of that new life. But in order to start over properly, one needs to close the preceding book once and for all. And we’re the only people able to do that. You and I, Jack.”

 

As he finished his monologue, Mark’s stare grew more and more intense and Jack felt his fists loosen.

 

“Are you with me?”

 

With a firm, almost instant nod, Jack responded:

 

“Let’s end it.”

 

 

 

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dozer - Rings of Saturn 
> 
> ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v64uQSY_rkc )


	14. How About You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took me ages, but here it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My inspiration, as well as the reason why I was able to write this chapter:
> 
> Wet Bandits - How About You? - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vue59lJqS3c
> 
> Wet Bandits - Vacate - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcZeO9GS4c4

It began with a song.

 

The kind that once you hear playing softly in the car radio your heart clenches and your senses soften. And you believe that’s it, this is the one. It begins speaking to you in many a tongue, many a meaning, urging you to replay it over and over again, seeking that brief moment of peace, that subtle high it grants, like a drug kicking in strongly, yet fading the second to follow. That one song you mistakenly attach to a memory, then its beauty turns corrupt, and it instantly loses all spark. Now it’s dull, now it’s depressing, now it's void.

 

The knot in the pit of his stomach painfully twisted. There was slight discomfort, slight dizziness and the beginning of an acute headache. The world was vaguely existing around him, or he was vaguely existing within it. He was alone, and he felt alone gazing ahead through the space dense with strangers, in the far middle of which, two beings he was able to recognize. Two whom he gave his trust to, and two proved worthy of it, treated it with pure grace and gentle care. In their company he felt whole, complete and he lacked of nothing.

 

Yet his heart clenched painfully under his chest, tighter and tighter, his sharp headache and alarming dizziness disconnecting the mind from the body, and he watched these two beings hold onto one another, their hands fastening, their eyes deep: a lingering process of mutual approval, of concern and care, the nonverbal  _'I am here for you'_ and _'I am not letting you go'_.

The shared intimacy exclusive to two beings, excluding the rest of the world around them. Excluding _him_.

 

The memory of that night engraved itself in the back of his head, vivid and clear. Jack and Mark, hand in hand, exchanging a stare while the Lowkey Addicts’ song ‘ _How About You’_ * resonated through every fiber of his being.

 

Jealousy, it was his first experience.

 

 

 

 

The pain in his guts woke him up from a deep slumber. He was starving and his throat was dry, clenching with thirst. His ears rang. His headache was physically agonizing, and the trickling of blood trailing down his temple had him remember the blow received to the head.The ringing persisted. 

 

His hands were fastened by a thick rope, tying him up to the iron bar of the square shaped window above his head, barren from the outside. His wrists hurt, his entire body was sore, and he couldn’t tell where he was nor what happened since the party. 

 

Before him was blackness, he couldn't make a thing of his surroundings. Creaking sounds echoed from above, heavy steps on wooden floor. 

 

Was he locked up in a basement? Was it night time? How long was he asleep?

 

Unintelligible utterances were exchanged upstairs, followed by silence, then the famous melody of “Hallelujah” started playing on the radio, nearly lulling him back into sleep. He hardly remembered the lyrics, but it brought him back to Sweden and his early middle school years when he first was introduced to the world of music by his mother.

 

She was a pianist. She composed symphonies in her free time and performed them in family reunions. She was a brilliant woman who mysteriously excelled at all she did, except carrying on her legacy. Felix was a stubborn child, refused her forceful attempts in teaching him, hating to subdue to her authoritative personality. After numerous attempts, she gave up, and Felix felt proud. Now that he thinks about it, now that years have passed by, he had come to realize the pride he once felt had dissolved, leaving place to both regret and shame. If only he had submitted to his mother’s teaching, if only he had learned, he would have fit better in this community, fit better among his friends, among Jack and Mark, among Amy and the others.

 

Reminiscing on his failures, part of him grew to hate that song, and he hoped strongly it would stop. It didn't.

 

Why wouldn’t it stop? Why?

 

Tears began clouding his sight. His head pounded, yet physical pain stood no chance to his inner suffering.

 

The answer to being disappointed lies in one’s hands, leaving one the judge, but to disappoint is uncertain, to disappoint can both scratch the surface of the painting and damage the canvas beyond repair. What if that is bound to be the faith of his friendships? What if this was the breaking point, the end of the road, the grand finale?

 

He deserves to be abandoned.

 

He was jerked back from his thoughts when light broke out behind the door. He could see it slither through the thin gaps surrounding the heavy wooden frame. They were coming for him.

 

“Is he awake?” The muffled voice asked.

 

“Yeah, looks like it. Heard some noise downstairs.” The second one answered. Then the door parted open.

 

Two men walked down. The first he did not recognized, the second lingered behind, then with a hint of a proud grin he proceeded to the foreground. It was Dustin.

 

“Hello, sweetheart. Missed me?”

 

Felix’s sight was gradually adjusting to the dim lighting that shone into the cramped moldy basement through the door. He hardly had time to scrutinize the man in the back when Dustin’s face approached him, his gaze penetrating him like a beast’s eyes penetrated its prey. Felix curled himself against the wall in fear. Dustin's large palm controlled the rope he was tied to, and with his smoke-filled alcohol-smeared breath invading Felix’s nostrils, he spoke loud and clear.

 

“Are you crying?” he hummed in attempt to sound gentle, but all that came out was the rusty growl of a vile brute. One of his hands moved towards his face, and Felix jerked back in his spot. Dustin’s tenacious hand took hold of his jaw, and traced a rough thumb over one of the tears that had reached down his cheek.

 

“Don’t you cry, baby. I won’t hurt you, I promise.” He said, his palm resting on Felix’s thigh, his smile twisted and ugly. “I didn’t get you here to hurt you. I just want to talk, you know?”

 

Felix’s lips trembled. Every bit of his being was repulsing, rejecting Dustin. His stomach clenched around itself and he felt the sudden urge to vomit.  

 

Upstairs, someone knocked on the door.

 

“I’ll get that,” said the big guy standing in the back, turning on his heels.

 

“Thanks, Billy.”

 

The named Billy closed the door behind him, and Felix was left alone with Dustin in the dark.

 

“It’s just the two of us again,” said Dustin, his foul breath getting closer and his palm fiddling with Felix’s belt. “Just like the good ol’ days, am I right, Felix?”

 

Tears went down Felix’s face at once. He couldn’t wish for anything right now, anything but death.

 

 

****

 

 

“I’m going to quit smoking.” He said.

 

“Yeah, sure,” chuckled a voice far-off.

 

“I won't touch cigarettes no more.”

 

He breathed out those words to himself this time, a hint of both despair and frustration coating his tone. His fingers fidgeted to scribble them down onto the half-filled notebook page while his left hand held onto the almost burned-out cigarette which promised another drag or two. It was going to be his last.

 

There was frustration but there was also relief. He felt himself free. He could almost taste the freedom at the tip of his tongue.

 

One drag left. 

 

The rush embraced him, yet quickly dissipated. He gazed up ahead, he was sitting in the veranda, and as soon as he took in the sight of the clear night sky, the lonely far-off horizon, the trees which embraced his property, and the lonely green-haired figure seated by the pool side who laughed at his comment earlier, he immediately closed his eyes. 

 

There before him was nothing. The void. And how frightening yet exhilarating it was, to empty one's mind, to vacate.

 

“Vacate.”

 

His breath barely touched his lips this time. It was less than a murmur, it was a silent, mouthed thought. His eyes broke open, escaping the exciting subjective into the plain objective. Back to his notebook, back to his scribbled lines. Up above he wrote down neatly “Vacate“, and felt his chest clench in a mysterious way.

 

He felt the need to escape, the desire to break free. Yet whether inwards or outwards, into his mind or out of it, he didn't known. He lost the thread which promised to lead him where no thought equals pain. He lost it a long time ago. 

 

His lips parted and a hiss jolted out of him. His fingers parted loose and what was left of his cigarette dropped onto the ground, its light extinguished, its smoke faded. The last drag. Gone. 

 

A faint chuckle resonated once more. Mark’s eyes rose to find a completely naked Jack drying himself in front of him.

 

“Last drag always gets you wanting more,” he commented. “The more you say you’re gonna quit, the more you wanna feed the craving.”

 

Mark didn’t answer, so Jack redressed himself in haste and walked around the couch he was occupying, prying over his shoulder for attention more than curiosity.

 

“Vacate? Sounds catchy.” He read, skeptical. “What’s it about? House eviction?”

 

Their eyes met and Jack gave a smug smirk. Mark’s laugh resonated.

 

How ironic, he thought.

 

He had craved the cigarette like he craved Felix. He breathed him in, every bit of him, as deep as he could, he inhaled, sucked, and consumed him. Until there was nearly nothing left. Then he dropped him to the ground. He let him down.

 

Then he craved Jack.

 

 

_How fucking ironic._

 

 

Mark immediately rose to his feet.

 

“It’s late, you should go.”

 

“The hell?” Jack snorted. “Since when do you get to tell me when I have to go?”

 

“Since now.” Mark frowned, earnest. He was already picking up the rest of Jack’s clothes from the floor.

 

“Wait, you’re not joking?”

 

“Just get your ass out of here!”

 

Mark's anger rose and he thrust the clothes in Jack's arms, pushing him towards the door.

 

“Dude, the hell’s wrong with you?!”

 

Before he could protest, Mark shoved him out into the front porch and slammed the door shut behind him.

 

“Fucking hell, Mark!” He growled loudly, his voice echoing through the woods.

 

Jack shivered at the cold wind that came caressing his fresh-out-of-water skin. He squeezed the rest of his clothing closer to his chest and nimbly stepped towards the van parked up front. He sat behind the wheel for a minute, trying to get himself to drive any second now. A minute turned to an hour, and he gave up on the idea.

 

He was slightly frightened. He never saw Mark this angry before, not since his parents drove out of the U.S without as much as telling him, and even then, Mark kept it all inside and never let it out on him nor anyone else.

 

He spent the rest of the night thinking it through, and when the light of dawn broke out, he received a message from an unknown number.

 

_“Had fun”_ The message read.

Underneath was a photo attached. At the sight of its content, Jack’s stomach turned.

 

**TBC**


End file.
